H.P. Lovecraft's Monster Portal

This movie is slower than watching oil paint dry. The sound is off. The actors seem like they didn't even want to be there. This goes by 2 other names which you just know it gonna suck.

How did this ultra-dull movie get financed? How did the director manage to make one hour and eighteen minutes seem to drag on...and on...and on? Did the several actors appearing in this stupid "Lovecraftian" tale drink codine cough syrup before every take? Everything moves in slow motion, the cult members are wearing cheap hooded taffeta costumes from Party City, and there are about 20 seconds of creature effects which you can see in the trailer. Avoid, this stinks like Cthulhu farts. One star, which is being generous.

Good reviews on this one (for a change). Yes, it's a total snoozefest for 45 minutes. The only it has going for it in that time is a super creepy old lady. Then it switches from a grieving daughter returning to her family home yawn into a demonic cult story involving mindbending concepts. It does finally take on some atmospheric flavor at that point, as well as a horror story. And it's pretty good from that point forward. It's just brief, & hard to forgive the first 45 minutes. Script still wasn't great, but I liked the effects. I wish the whole movie had been that last 25 minutes & they had done more with that instead of rushing it.

Hey, I've got nothing against horror 'B-movies' - in fact, they make up a significant proportion of my DVD collection. You don't have to have major actors, great special effects, or even a particularly original story to make a movie enjoyable - as long as it entertains then it usually fits the bill. However...

If you make a film with the word 'monster' in the title, it does tend to set an audience's expectations. If you sat down to watch 'Snakes on a Plane' you'd probably not be expecting Shakespeare, but you'd be looking for something that's just a bit of harmless fun. If you got one sickly-looking adder ten minutes before then end, then you might feel just a little bit 'short-changed' from what the title promised.

'Monster Portal' is an adaptation of an HP Lovecraft story, which is fair enough, but it does relay on giant creatures as part of its central theme. Sadly, the movie doesn't have the budget to really pull it off. Yes, there are a couple of monsters sprinkled here and there, but not only is it not enough to justify the title, but they're rendered about as well as your average Playstation 2 cut scene.

Now, I'm happy enough to ignore the special effects if the story is overall engaging and fun (or in a horror movie's case 'scary' would suffice), but here the acting is bad. Yes, I've seen enough horror movies to know I'm never going to get 'Oscar-worthy' performances, but in this case it basically feels like the actors are reading their lines off a cue card which is just out of shot. I guess I shouldn't really put all the blame on the actors, this script is pretty basic and they're probably doing their best with the awfully generic lines they're given, plus you'd think the director might be able to coax something out of one or two of them.

It's not the main characters who are the (total) problem. They don't turn in very good performances, but I can just about excuse them. It's more the secondary cast-members who might as well be your average passers by who were roped in to read a line or two here and there.

As I say, B-movies can be fun, but this one just tries to bite off way more than it's capable of. With a higher budget, better actors and script it might have worked, but, ultimately, it couldn't make anything of its lofty goals.

Plot

A cult is about to waken H. P. Lovecraft's most feared creature.

Cast

Unfamiliar with those involved

Verdict

When you go into any ITN movie you should naturally assume the worst, whatever you think it's going to be it'll almost certainly be worse. Then the Lovecraft element, nobody seems to be able to do his work or anything even vaguely resembling it justice and therefore also going in you have to assume it'll be bad. Therefore a ITN Lovecraft title? Never really stood a chance did it?

To its credit it starts well enough, the production values feel higher and the cast aren't your usual suspects and that's for the most part a good thing. Sadly it doesn't last, ITN's ability to tell a coherent story rears its head at around the 1/3 mark and the film falls into illogical chaos.

It's easy enough to follow, but it's all over the place. It's unoriginal, not engaging and screams yet another movie cashing in on the good name of H. P Lovecraft.

Building to a messy predictable finale Monster Portal is as poor as the title suggests it would be. There are plenty of passable Lovecraftian tales, choose one of those after this travesty.

Rants

Without Danielle Scott, Chrissie Wunna, May Kelly etc is it really an ITN film? It feels weird at this stage. Same cast, every film, when none of them are present it feels.......wrong! And yet probably the best decisions considering movies they're in are consistently terrible.

The Good

Based on the works of a horror genius

The Bad

Most of the CGI is of a very poor standard Story is a mess This is far from Lovecraftian.