Nude Nuns with Big Guns

The Mexican cartel have stooped to a new low. They are now resorting to kidnapping people and forcing them into b grade soft porn flicks.

Please give generously to stop this form of human trafficking.

On the lighter side of things, it is a difficult movie to watch. At least everyone had a turn at speaking some lines which would be a plus for any actor. The downside would be the level of flesh you would have to reveal in order to get those lines. You'd be working pretty hard to keep your clothes on in this flick. Sympathy goes out to the pizza boy who had the unfortunate luck to make a delivery to the set and forced to work as evil Hench men number 6 for the extra tip.

It's been a while since I could forgo the details of a film's plot and just reiterate the title for reference. But that is exactly the shortcut I could take with Nude Nuns with Big Guns. The film, as directed by Joseph Guzman is about, well, nude nuns with big guns. More specifically, it follows Sister Sarah (Asun Ortega) who after becoming a nun is drugged and forced into a world of crime by the corrupt priests and padres of the clergy.

But after a near fatal encounter, Sister Sarah receives a message from God, one that tells her to kill every last one of those that exploit drugs, the church or any of the innocent workers of the clergy. Lucky for us, a chance encounter leaves Sister Sarah with a big gun, one big enough to help her do God's work in the most violent and exploitive ways possible. As Sarah sets off to religiously 'off' anyone that looks at her funny, the church hires a bike gang called 'Los Muertos' to track down Sister Sarah and stop her before she brings down the entire drug running operation.

Nude Nuns with Big Guns is undeniably 70's sexploitation brought to us with 2010 orchestrated violence. There are equal parts nudity and violence and there is plenty of each to keep audiences grinning from ear to ear with each new character introduction. Just about every female character but one bares her breasts for the film and I, for one, am a better man because of it. Sister Sarah in particular has no qualms about doing scenes involving full nudity between all her gunslinging and brain blasting. Priests, nuns, bikers, lesbians…no one is safe once this sister straps herself with a sizeable firearm.

There is a semblance of a story in Nude Nuns with Big Guns, but the plot goes in usual directions ensuring that what it lacks in originality as a revenge flick it makes back up in sheer audacious and gratuitous nudity and violence.

Asun Ortega is competent (and evidently confident) in the lead role and everyone involved in the production hams up their part with just enough cheese and lack of seriousness that the film actually works as a watchable piece of exploitation.

Director Joseph Guzman takes a major step forward from his 2009 debut in Run! Bitch Run! While both Run and Nuns are of the same genre that Robert Rodriguez tried to capture with 2010's Machete, Guzman has shown a maturity with both the camera and with the promotion of lurid subject matters.

Nude Nuns with Big Guns isn't for everyone, but it is for everyone that reads the title of the film before putting it into the DVD player or downloading through VOD. It is guaranteed to entertain while titillating and it proves that exploitation films are alive and can work given the right exposure and attention.

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I wanted to like this one a lot more. But there are some glaring problems that keep it from scoring any higher for me.

First the only people I felt were doing anything with their characters were the leads. Which isn't completely bad, at least they cast people who could act some in the leads.

Lighting and sound really have some horrifically bad moments in the film. Characters talking and you couldn't hear them. And the night scenes with a very nice Chevelle SS 396 where you could only see headlights.

A lot of scenes where you could almost hear the director thinking "yeah, I guess that's okay, but you know what, I think we really need all the girls to be naked and rubbing their boobies over everyone on the set." Don't get me wrong, I like naked girls, but there is a point of diminishing returns when almost Every... Single... Scene... in the film is accessorized by boobies.

There are some very good decisions made that were definite pluses to the film. The love story, while expected, did add to the story and was not completely gratuitous. David Castro's villain has most of the best lines, and several times comes dangerously close to being sympathetic. Asun Ortega does crazy very well, and the 'dress whites' as seen in the poster for the film really added to the moment.

This is not a date movie, shoot it's not a mixed company movie in any manner. But for a guilty pleasure movie to watch when you are home alone, you could do worse.

Well personally I am not a fan of the sexploitation movies, not the ones back from the day in the 60s-70s, not the ones from today. But still, being a movie enthusiast, I do try to spread out and watch a multitude of movies.

The story in "Nude Nuns with Big Guns" is about Sister Sarah who is abused by the clergy and subjected to drugs. Recovering from the drug abuse, Sister Sarah is visited by God, who gives her a sacred mission to purge all those who oppose him. Armed with God's will and some big guns, Sister Sarah sets out on a holy mission.

I will say that the story was entertaining enough, but at the same time it was so cheesy and full of plot holes that anything even resembling a coherent storyline fell through and scattered before the wind. This movie is not the type of movie you watch because it has a riveting story.

And it should be said that there is a great amount of nudity and lesbian scenes in this movie, after all it is a sexploitation movie. And there is also a lot of what could best be described as religious sacrilegious stuff (as regarding to Christianity) going on throughout the entire movie. There was something Tarantino and Rodriguez-like over this movie, but then at the same time it never really fully rose up to even reach those directors to the knees. But it was a great enough attempt to imitate their styles. Oddly enough, the movie here did pull that off well enough at its own pace and level. There was that old 70s feel to the movie, gritty and dirty.

As for the acting in the movie, well don't get your hopes up, as most of the people in the movie just put on average performances. However, it should be noted that David Castro (playing Chavo) actually did most of the lifting in the movie, carrying the movie a great way with his performance. The cast is not to blame though, as the script didn't allow the characters to be explored and fleshed out in any type of depth, making them appear as shallow characters, with only Chavo and Sister Sarah showing any kind of character development. The rest of the characters were like generic drones just standing in as fillers.

One thing that was great about the movie was the music, even though they had one particular song that was either used in a previous movie or just a blatant almost note by note copy of that particular song. I just can't remember where I heard it before, though I am partial to say either "Planet Terror" or "Machete". It was something from either a Tarantino or Rodriguez movie, of that I am almost certain.

As a plus, this movie had the most hilarious choking scene I have seen so far in a movie (where Sister Sarah is choking someone with rosary beads).

I am pretty sure that if you are fan of this particular genre of movies, sexploitation, then you might find "Nude Nuns with Big Guns" to be an interesting movie. Personally, I didn't find this movie to be overly interesting, as I am not a fan of this particular genre, but I stuck with it and watched it through to the end.

B) If you are hoping the same level of entertainment as a Rodriguez/Tarantino film, than this is not it. A) It's not the worst film I've seen, but big screen no-go.

It's some amount of crazy, but not enough to be entertaining. Crazy enough to be "Ewwww... and?", but not enough to go "Ewwww... Ohh!?!?!?!". In essence the film lacks the irony in the story.

This film is of the same genre as Kill Bill, Sin City, Gringhouse and Machete. However, this is one of the worst representatives of that genre. It's most comparable to Machete, but the storyline is not augmented by the irony and there is nothing to hook you onto in the story. The script is dragged out. The story could be presented in a 30 minute film. It's a good story for a depressing documentary, not a action, violence, blood and gore film.

This is not about some clergy members being represented corrupt. This is not about drugs. This is not about violence. It's just a shooter with a lot of vengeance, poor action scenes and a too thin layer of the story sprinkled around.