Um Jogo de Mestres

St. Georges Day is a debut effort written and directed by eloquent and softly spoken Shakespearean thespian Frank Harper, famous for his roles in The Football Factory and Lock. Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (Guy Ritchie, 2008), and let us not forget his scene stealing performance as the bank robber in Kevin and Perry Go Large (Ed Bye, 2000). I thoroughly enjoyed Dexter Fletcher's (who is, of course, briefly in this) directorial debut Wild Bill last year, so maybe this could be another enjoyable treat. He seems to have persuaded all his mates to be in it, the only ones missing are Danny Dyer and Tamer Hassan; maybe they were performing Hamlet at the Old Vic during filming? Well...

I will come back to term 'enjoyable' later if I may? First, a quick review:

It seems Frank Harper has certainly learnt a few things while starring in all these geezer films, in basically that he has cut and pasted all the clichéd plots from these and stuck them all together in what is an absolute narrative mess. This film received consistently horrific reviews, and I have to admit that they are all deserved. St. Georges Day is the most possibly generic and clichéd 'cockeney gangster' film you could imagine. Every cliché in terms of plot and characters is there to see in full clunky and embarrassing glory. I am not going to list them here, but anyone who watches this will be ticking them off in their head almost involuntarily. As for the dialogue, co-written by Frank himself, when there are lines such as "The Price is Right? This isn't the game show you c**t!" or "Two words: Angry Russians", it is basically Eastenders with swearing.

There is a also a very insular and quite racist approach to this film, such as the typical evil Russian gangsters and double crossing Dutch drug dealers. However, what becomes really embarrassing is Frank Harper's deluded sense of patriotism that comes out within the script, there are many occasions where he compares their drugs operation and how they are going to sort out the mess they created to strategies deployed by Churchill and the British armies in both of the world wars. This is both insulting and rather embarrassing to watch; as we have to remember that these men are criminals despite whatever 'moral code' they follow. There are many voice-over scenes, usually with Frank Harper looking pensive on some riverside where he tries to justify to us why he is essentially a criminal. He often mentions things like 'loyalty' and tells us that he never killed anyone that "didn't deserve it or would have done the same thing to him". No Frank, you are criminals, you are not the good guys. Even the police are portrayed as bad guys for simply doing their job; does Frank really think we are that stupid? Also, it is worth saying that Keeley Hazell stars in her debut film role and is shocking, though let us face it, she is not there for her acting is she? She also plays Mickey's girlfriend and there are many scenes where Frank Harper gets to kiss her. Hang on! Isn't Frank Harper writer, actor, director and producer? Indeed he is. Oh, Frank, you dirty old man! However, her character as 'Peckham Princess' (No, me neither) is beyond caricature, as with all the women here who are simply portrayed in a shamefully misogynistic way. However, this just adds to the list of generic narrow minded stereotyping like evil Russians, drugged up crazy Dutch people, angry Scottish people etc.

Now, I will return to the phrase 'enjoyable', and though I may well be contradicting what I have previously just said, but I must confess that I found St. Georges Day extremely enjoyable. This does come with a proviso though: If you take St. Georges Day with a pinch of salt, and when you see a cast list like that (maybe with the exception of Charles Dance – maybe a marketing ploy?) how on earth can you take this film seriously? I went into this film expecting ridiculous nonsense and was not disappointed; I must confess that it frequently made me laugh. It is obvious that Frank Harper thinks he is making the Citizen Kane of British gangster films. St. Georges Day takes itself so ridiculously seriously; this almost makes it even funnier to watch. You never laugh with it, but frequently at it and because of this I will confess that I actually really enjoyed it, though certainly not for any of the reasons dear old (now officially an auteur) Frank Harper would want.

In summary: Predictable, clichéd, crap. This is the definitive British gangster film in that every cliché and caricature is there to see, all put together by the chunkiest script imaginable. However, this may well be (unintentionally) one of the funniest British films of recent years.

You probably know Frank Harper from pretty much every British gangster film (he was 'Dog' in Lock Stock). Now, he's taken to writing and directing one of his own. St George's Day tells the story of two London gangsters who lose a shipment of drugs that belong to the Russian Mafia and have to pull off a heist to get the money to pay it back.

Yes, it's hardly an inspired plot, but, when you watch it, you'll soon realise that that's the least of its problems. Frank Harper narrates pretty much the whole way through, giving his 'patriotic' thoughts and opinions on the story, plus introducing every character along the way. And there are many. Every other scene has a new gangster who gets his own intro from Frank, most of which are hardly seen again in the film.

Unfortunately, St George's Day utilises every cliché in the book. Every line sounds like someone doing a bad impression of what they think a cockney would say. After a while, you start to wonder how quite a talented bunch of actors were ever roped into this film to begin with. I say 'talented actors' as most of them are. However, this doesn't apply to former Page 3 girl turned 'actress' Keeley Hazell. She is truly wooden beyond belief.

St George's Day brings nothing new to the genre of gangster films. It's clichéd, boring, overly-long and just bad. One to avoid. Stick with Lock Stock and Snatch.

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I thought this was an all good Brit Gangster flick, Frank Harper did a great job of his first time directorial debut, and some of the camera shots were great, I also like some of the analogies used such as when Craig Fairbrass says "I got 25 good summers left" I like things like that, and thought there were a few thought out well. Craig Fairbrass shinned in this, this was one of his better roles that fitted him. All in all, I would give it a 7/10, only miscast I thought was Jamie Foreman just due to him being in Eastenders and nothing personal.

I think Frank Harper could defo direct some more good things, and look forward to them! The Business was one of my favourite brit flicks, but I think that is a touch of the sun that makes it!

This movie came out of nowhere and completely blew me away. It's gritty and raw, but it's also got so much heart. It pulls you in from the start and keeps you hooked until the very end. The characters feel like people you can relate to, and their struggles hit hard.

The action is intense, but the story is what really stands out. You actually care about what's happening, and that makes every scene hit harder. It's not polished or fancy, but that's part of what makes it so good. Even the slower moments work because they make you more invested. If you're looking for something with action, emotion, and real stakes, this is it.

Do you remember the good old days, when an Englishman's home was his castle? When you could leave your front door unlocked? Every other person down your street was a Pearly King? and every night was spent having a sing-song around the old Joanna at the rub-a- dub, before doing the Lambeth walk all the way home? Well the makers of this film do….Every character in this formulaic tosh is either a cheeky, chirpy, annoying Cock-ernee or is a hulking, growling Jason Statham-a-like who'll screw your head off your shoulders for looking sideways at his pint. St Georges day seems to be aimed at a typical 15- 22 year old lads mag audience and fair enough, but there isn't enough meat on the bones here for even the most easily pleased "Nuts" magazine reader. The sex isn't sexy enough, the comic bits aren't funny and you'll see better orchestrated violence in any town centre Kebab shop on a Saturday night. The plot is paper thin (The Russian Mafia …How very 80's….Missing Cocaine….How original "2 out of 10. See me at the end of class")

The acting is as wooden as a crate of light ale. And middle aged men ruminating on World war 2 and what being an Englishman is all about, still yearning for the good old days, just smacks of lazy writing & casual racism. At times this almost plays out as a recruiting film for the English Defence League. No doubt a few knuckle draggers will get something out of the casual violence, drug taking and football thuggery but everyone else please steer well clear of this load of old Pony*

* Cockney rhyming slang….Pony & Trap = CRAP