Missão Quase Impossível

I'm not about to contradict anyone who says that 'The Spy Next Door' is a bad movie but I cannot say that I didn't enjoy it. From the moment that Bob and Gillian wake up with those serene smiles on their faces (Gillian had been woken up by a squealing pig and screeching kids) you know what you're in for and the movie certainly doesn't disappoint, in that it does exactly what you expect and follows every cliché there is religiously. For me this is what actually allowed me to enjoy it, the movie seemed to tell me, 'I am a bad movie, don't try to take me seriously just laugh at every possible opportunity! I promise you I'm not harmful and I will be over before the stupidity gets the better of your suspended disbelief.'

The film rests on Jackie Chan's shoulders and there's no denying that he is a very charismatic man, very good with physical comedy and at 55 and after all those injuries, still impressively fit. I can't say the same for the kids, the youngest one (Alina Foley) is cute but the other two were a bit annoying although this may be the script's fault. What can I say about the villains; Creel wore red lipstick and black from head to toe and just in case we missed she was the villain she also wore a frozen sardonic smile too, the Russian guys wore heavy overcoats and beards and all of them spoke in this hilarious accent...I enjoyed every bit of it. In fact I think the parts with the villains were my favourite.

I think the movie did what it set out to do and entertained me, I actually burst out laughing many times. One of which was when Billy Ray Cyrus's faced popped onto the screen, don't judge me I didn't know he was in the movie and the image took me by surprise!

Before taking the kids to see this, I read through some quick reviews online (such as RogerEbert.com, etc.), and groaned thinking about the 90 minutes or so I'd have to sit watching this...not to mention the annoying ads stuffed down your throat before the trailers even start.

You know, I'm not going to spend time trying to justify why I liked it, laughed at the corny scenes and dialog, slapstick, etc. - but the bottom line is I/we enjoyed it - despite it being a Chan film which usually I'll pass on. How refreshing not to get any propaganda thrown in your face, political innuendos/viewpoints - whatever, which unfortunately you have to bear in even many kids & 'family' films being pumped out these days ... just a basic family comedy which accomplishes its purpose - to simply entertain and nothing else. What's wrong with that, Mr. Ebert? I think you need to stay away from kids' films. Anyone?

So if you decide to see it, make your own judgment. The negative reviews I read before seeing it prepared me to expect the worst....which in turn actually helped it to be a quite a pleasant surprise. Go figure. So far I find it amusing how some of the reviewers on here spent so much time writing in detail how awful the film is, spending the time, space, and effort into dissecting & critiquing it as though it were the latest Coppola or Scorsese project. Who are they writing to? Those expecting a modern cinematic classic (via Jackie Chan) bringing them to standing applause ... or to parents like myself taking their kids out to have a little fun? Right! LOL.

Bob Ho (Jackie Chan), a very successful CIA spy, is retiring from the business. Although he likes his co-workers, including Colton (Billy Ray Cyrus) and his boss (George Lopez), he want a "normal" life. Cornering a Russian gangster will be his final "hurrah". In truth, Bob has fallen in love with a beautiful divorcée, Gillian (Amber Valletta) and wants to marry her. Trouble is, she has three cantankerous kids, Fallan (Madeleine Carroll), Ian and Nora. Whenever he arrives at their house, they find ways to humiliate him. So, when Gillian has to leave town to attend to a sick father, Bob sees an opportunity for him to "get closer" to the children. He'll babysit for them! After all, as Bob says, he has brought down dictators so he can certainly deal with three kids. Ha! Things go wrong almost immediately. Bob can't cook breakfasts the kids will eat, he has trouble stopping squabbles and he finds bedtime rules are difficult to enforce. Most seriously, Ian downloaded a secret file from Bob's computer and now the Russian badguys are after them! Can Bob manage to dodge bullets as he carpools the kiddies to school? This is a cute family film that should please almost everyone. It has a fine story, a zippy direction, a lot of action, and a nice cast. Chan is, as always, a wonderfully comic performer whose smile can light up the world. His inventive martial arts movements are mirthful, too. The rest of the cast, including Carroll, Cyrus, Lopez, and the others, are great, too. As for the settings, costumes, and production values, they are of the top-shelf variety. Especially beautiful is the suburban home where Gillian's family lives. All in all, everyone in the family will spy a winner here, during a showing, and be pleased as punch when the credits roll at film's end.

This is a very silly movie, but I quite enjoyed it. Jackie Chan doesn't do the crazy dangerous stunts he used to, but his brand of comedic martial arts is still entertaining. The kids are reasonably realistic, with only one being somewhat annoying precocious. There are some nice bits, like a running joke involving a criminal's wardrobe. The story doesn't make a lot of sense, especially since the McGuffin of the film would probably be far more lucrative in cleaning up the environment than for the impractical purpose the bad guys have in mind, but this movie isn't supposed to be anything more than a cute silly movie, and I thought it succeeded in that admirably.

There is something strange and irrational about the human psyche that draws us to films that we know are absurd and bad, but in spite of the glaring flaws of such films we get drawn in anyway because the experience is pleasurable. One of those films is "The Spy Next Door." It was obvious to me that "The Spy Next Door" had almost nothing to offer its audience in terms of a plot or even characters that could transcend their stereotypes. These stereotypes include (1) All Russians are evil; (2) the female love interest always finds an implausible reason for dumping Bob Ho (Jackie Chan)before she later reconciles with him; (3) If you want to gain the respect of bullies, you have to beat someone up - preferably an evil Russian who is storming throughout your house looking for a secret formula; (4) If you have Jackie Chan in your film, give him lots of choreographed karate or agile tricks to do; and (5) If you want to win over kids who are not your own, you better be a great action hero. I also realized that this film was trying to get by on Jackie Chan's personality and the characters of the kids.

Yet I did not care because up to a point reliance on the Jackie Chan persona, which this film was clearly doing, actually worked. The reason is that Jackie Chan is a good natured guy, very modest and very nice. It is to an extent amusing watching Chan perform his tricks as he copes with babysitting and then takes on the bad guys. The action scenes were, in my mind, not like the ordinary, overly violent action scenes where the good guy shoots up a bunch of bad guys. They are dance routines, some of them plain silly and others that are pretty good - and you get the impression that even if you are a bad guy you are unlikely to get badly hurt. Jackie Chan himself has often said that he abhors violence and his Bob Ho character is not a violent man. He gets involved in action scenes reluctantly and, even as he wins his little battles, one gets the impression that they were all a lot of fun. Now this is not to say that I can guarantee that you, my readers, are going to like this film. You may dislike it for many sound reasons, but for me "The Spy Next Door" is one of my guilty favorites.