The Last Seven

The movie is pretty easy to work out, having said that if your attention span isn't that good you will soon be turning it off. I was hoping it would be better But it isn't.

Lets cut to the chase here, this is quite a bad film; in much the same way that Hitler was quite a naughty boy.

Its sole redeeming features are the initially interesting shots of London. After 10 minutes of nothing but however i found myself desperate for some actual drama and character interaction.

Not in this film you don't! Armed with a woefully clumpy and clichéd script, the actors manage the impressive task of actually worsening it in the delivery.

Philips chooses to adopt random unconvincing shouting as his tactic of choice, often cunningly contrasted with whispers, presumably to try and shake any remaining audience from the inevitable coma they will have slipped in to.

Meanwhile the usually dependable Hassan vainly tries to rough it and gritty up the tension a bit, only to realise he's inexplicably trapped in a film thats so soporific, it not only couldn't fight its way out of a paper bag, it would shatter every bone in its frail lifeless body upon the slightest hint of contact.

The only thing that actually piqued my interest (sadly for all the wrong reasons) was Mawson's turn as Henry. His ridiculous ham-fisted sloshing and bizarre facial extremes were only enhanced by his delivery of every line as if he were shortsighted and reading it off a cue card for the first (and hopefully last) time.

This is tripe that gives stomach lining a bad name. As a nation we supposedly produce the finest actors and writers in the world, so what are these gormless half-wits doing on the big screen gleefully kicking this festering equine corpse? Avoid this film, unless you are either related to someone associated with it, or suffering from insomnia.

Cynical maybe, but then so is a C- grade short stretched to a feature, with Danny Dyer hired to front it, whilst playing less of a prominent role than the girlfriend of its creator.

Lord have mercy.

I do not review as often as I should, but sometimes I feel like not doing so would mean a sleepless night. This is one of those nights.

The Last Seven is arguably the most poorly constructed, ill-fated, and hopeless attempt at making a movie I have ever seen outside those who recognize the feebleness of their movie and attempt to at least derive some kind of humor out of the film. It is so difficult for me to decide where to begin, because everything is wrong.

If that does not satisfy your curiosity, then let me hit the big three as I see them.

Number 1: Character development. Throughout the entire film, I was never given any reason to care about any of the characters outside of a boo-hoo flashback for someones missed birthday. I didn't care if they lived, if they died, or if they were forced to sit through their own horrible acting. I just didn't care about anything that was happening to them in the slightest, and it destroyed what little bit of plot development there was. And when I say little, I mean LITTLE.

Number 2: Wannabe artistic filming and editing. Out of place flashbacks, requiem-for-a-dream shortcut film sequences, long, drawn out scenes flip-flopping with super short, shaky camera snapshot progressions, third grade special effects, the "hitchcock" scare (attempt) and the list goes on, and on, and on, and on, and on. And. On.

Number 3: Worse than a M. Night Shyamalan twist ending. Nuff said.

The only thing decent about this movie was the scenery, abandoned cities always look awesome.

Don't waste your time, and don't make me tell you I told you so.

STAR RATING: ***** Saturday Night **** Friday Night *** Friday Morning ** Sunday Night * Monday Morning

I could go to great pains to write a long, in depth review of The Last Seven, but it's hard to write much more about it other than my summary above. Right from the opening sequence, with one of the lead characters wondering around a deserted London shouting out for 'anybody!', just like in the aforementioned film, it just feels like such a pale imitation of it that it hurts. In fact, it's almost as if the director knew he was practically copying it scene for scene and just gave up bothering to tell any sort of decent story of his own. As such, it just goes through the motions of the post apocalyptic thriller genre, with the usual stereo-typical set up and characters, without firmly establishing the back story behind the majority of humanity being wiped out and making no sense. Most baffling is Danny Dyer's role as some sort of blood crazed zombie type character, probably the most mysterious thing about the whole uninspired mess. *

I despair for the British horror film genre. I really do.

In the space of just a few weeks I've watched this and Dead Cert, two prime examples of films that had promising premises but totally ballsed it up with inept direction and editing, lousy dialogue and rounded off with some truly pathetic acting.

I grew up in the 60's and 70's watching delights such as The Abominable Dr Phibes, Dr Terror's House of Horrors, Asylum, From Beyond The Grave, Tales From The Crypt, Frightmare, House of Whipcord, Scream and Scream Again, Theatre of Blood and many more.

These films had real actors, decent scripts, filmmakers who knew and understood the genre, not fly-by-nights trying to make a quick buck by dolling out any old rubbish.

Apart from Severance I haven't seen a decent British horror film in ages, and if today's filmmakers keep serving up crap like The Last Seven then my despair looks set to continue.

The Last Seven is amateur night crap, avoid!