- Scrooge: [singing to the tune of "Silent Night"] Violent night. Gory night. All is calm. If all doesn't want to get shot in the fucking head.
- Trudy: Are you going to help us, Santa?
- Santa Claus: Yeah. Of course. I'm going to help you. I'm going to get you out of there. Take all these bad guys on my naughty list. I'm going to take a lump of coal, each and every one of them, and shove it straight up...
- Trudy: The ass.
- Santa Claus: Well, I mean, come on, sweetie. We want to keep it on the nice list, you know.
- Trudy: Sorry. Can I say butthole then?
- Santa Claus: I mean, it's borderline.
- Trudy: How about anus?
- Scrooge: Alright, who the hell are you really, huh? Some security guard who's watched too many action flicks? Some loser ex-cop stuck in a mall playing dress-up with fat kids pissing on your lap? Stop me when I get it right.
- Santa Claus: It's a little more complicated than that.
- Scrooge: Not to me, it's not. Because I want to make it my personal mission, my holiday to-do list, to find you, and to end you, and to wipe my ass with you, and this whole fucking holiday. That's what I want for Christmas, Santa.
- Santa Claus: That is a terrible thing to want for Christmas. But maybe you and I should discuss that in person. Santa Claus is coming to town.
- [last lines]
- Santa Claus: [riding his sleigh with his reindeer into the night sky] Merry Christmas! Hyah! Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen! Come on, you beautiful bastards! We've got some work to do! Hyah! Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
- Scrooge: [after finally learning that Santa Claus is real] You're real? You're... him. You're you.
- Santa Claus: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
- Scrooge: The real goddamn Santa Claus.
- Santa Claus: This is not your night, pal.
- Scrooge: Oh, I don't know. I think you're wrong. I think my whole shitty life's built up to this moment. Because when I kill you, this whole goddamn holiday finally ends. Whatever it takes...
- [pulls out his weapons]
- Scrooge: Christmas dies tonight.
- [mid-credit scene]
- Bert: [recording himself for a viral video with Commander Thorp's dead body] Hey, yo! What's Gucci, squad fam? It's the Bert Locker, living the dream. You know what? See this guy? Dead as hell. Santa's real, all right? Don't end up on the naughty list. Do better. Bert Lightstone out.
- UK Barkeeper: You ain't driving, are you?
- Santa Claus: I steer a little bit, but the reindeer do most of the work.
- Commander Thorp: You all know the plan, and I like my operations like I like to fuck. Hard and fast with minimal cleanup. Now, some idiot gets in your way, what do you do?
- Killer Squad: Fuck their shit up right!
- Commander Thorp: Damn right. Time to lube up.
- Trudy: Did you ever have a mommy and daddy?
- Santa Claus: [grunts and chuckles] Yeah, of course I had a mommy and daddy. I wasn't... I wasn't always Santa Claus. I had a life before this. A long, long, long time ago. They used to call me, uh... Nicomund.
- [flashback begins with flames rumbling and Nicomund panting]
- Santa Claus: Nicomund the Red.
- Trudy: You had a different job then?
- Santa Claus: Yeah, you could say that. I was a warrior. A raider. A thief. And if somebody got in my way, me and Skullcrusher would...
- Trudy: Who's Skullcrusher?
- Santa Claus: Skullcrusher's my, uh... my hammer. My favorite hammer. I was a surgeon with that thing. Used to be able to take three heads, line 'em up...
- [makes thudding sound]
- Trudy: But why?
- Santa Claus: What?
- Trudy: Why'd you do those things?
- Santa Claus: Because I was mean. And I was greedy. And I wanted gold, jewels. Yeah, I mean, if there was a naughty list back then, I'd be top dog.
- Trudy: Well, maybe...
- Santa Claus: What?
- Trudy: Maybe all those bad things you used to do... maybe you can use them to do good things instead. To help.
- Santa Claus: What do you mean?
- Trudy: Mr. Bunny, he wasn't just a toy. That night, you gave me what I wished for. A best friend. 'Cause you're good and kind. And you mean more than just the presents you bring. That's why I believe in you, Santa. That's why I believe.
- Santa Claus: [exhaling sharply] Thank you. You stay hidden, Trudy, till I come get you. Stay safe.
- Gertrude: [to Jason about his plan to steal and run away with her money] It's part of the Lightstone legacy. We're horrible people. So I get why you did what you did. When your grandfather told me I'd never run the company because a girl doesn't have what it takes, I had to snatch the reins away from him. But the point is, a Lightstone takes what's theirs. I'm proud of you, son.
- UK Mall Santa: It's the look on the kiddies faces, ain't it? That's what does it for me.
- Santa Claus: That look. Yeah, that look. Lasts about two seconds. As soon as they're finished unwrapping, they want the next present, they want the next cool thing. That's how the world works. And kids, what kids have become. They're just little junkies. They're little shits. They just demand. They don't believe. They just want, crave, consume. Maybe this is my last year. The last Christmas.
- [from the trailer - Santa steps in poo before, furiously, turning his attention to the reindeer]
- Santa Claus: Which one of you did that? Prancer?
- [Prancer bows his head in guilt]
- Santa Claus: So... unprofessional!
- [after capturing Santa Claus and tying him up with Christmas lights]
- Scrooge: Now, how did this tired, old, fat piece of shit get the drop on us?
- Gingerbread: I don't know.
- Candy Cane: He's not even armed. This bag is the only thing he had on him.
- Scrooge: What's in there?
- Gingerbread: [digs into the bag] Can't see anything.
- [pulls out a present]
- Scrooge: Here, give it to me.
- Gingerbread: [tosses Scrooge the present and pulls out another one]
- Scrooge: [opens the present] What kind of moron... carries a chess set with him?
- Gingerbread: [pulls out a present shaped like a ukulele]
- Scrooge: What the fuck?
- Gingerbread: Doesn't make any sense. Look at all this shit.
- [tosses the ukulele present]
- Santa Claus: [wakes up chuckling]
- Scrooge: So, you're gonna tell us what's the gimmick with the bag?
- Santa Claus: It's magic. You put your hand in, out comes a present. I don't really understand how it works, either. So, you're Mr. Scrooge.
- Scrooge: That's right. But who are you?
- Santa Claus: Weihnachtsmann. Julenissen. Shèngdàn Laorén. Babbo Natale, Père Noel, Kris Kringle. Jolly old Saint Nick. People call me a lot of things.
- Scrooge: Ha, ha, ha. Very funny. Or should I say, "Ho, ho, ho"?
- Gingerbread: If you're Santa, where's your reindeer?
- Santa Claus: They were on the roof until that guy I turned into an ice kebab just...
- [imitates rapid gunfire]
- Santa Claus: You don't believe me? Go check. Prancer left a tasty log up there.
- Scrooge: This fucking guy.
- Candy Cane: You don't think...
- Scrooge: Now, I know you're an idiot, but don't be an idiot out loud. Come on, he's just in Santy Claus with a fucking trick bag.
- [tosses the bag into the fireplace]
- Santa Claus: Oh, no! That bag was full of kids' dreams!
- Scrooge: Oh, come on. Everybody knows that Christmas dreams are bullshit. My father used to make a big deal out of it every Christmas. Every freaking Christmas with the presents and the candy and the decorations and the Christmas caroling and all that bullshit. And then when I was... I don't know, ten, 11, he got laid off, and that Christmas, couldn't even afford a tree. No Christmas dinner, no gifts. Nothing, nada, culo, dick. But our neighbors... our neighbors, oh, they had it all. I could see all that yuletide cheer through their window mocking me. So Christmas Eve rolls around, and... I waited for everybody to go to bed. And then I snuck in there to take it all. Only problem was that the gramps got up to take a piss and the two of us scared the shit out of each other. And, um, he fell down the stairs and-and broke his neck, and he died in the hospital. Everybody thought that I did it, and every time I tried to tell them, I tried to tell them that... Anyway, maybe I did do it. Maybe I did push him. Poor old fucker. So, you see, Christmas ruined my life. Okay? But you know what? It set me on the path and made me the great man that I am today.
- Scrooge: I'm sorry, Jimmy. I really am. But I do gifts. I do Christmas cheer. I don't get involved in people's lives.
- Scrooge: Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, maybe you fucking should!
- Gingerbread: Um, how did he know your name?
- Santa Claus: [to Gingerbread] Oh, Bjorn. What's your excuse? Huh? Didn't I get you that Huffy bike you wanted back in '82? One you wrote me 50 times about!
- [to Candy Cane]
- Santa Claus: What about you, Kira? Well, you made your brother eat worms. That's naughty!
- Gingerbread: Okay, how does he know about my bike?
- Scrooge: It's a lucky guess, like: "Hey, do you like big tits?". Come on, every kid wants a fucking bike.
- Santa Claus: [as Scrooge is threatening him] Oh, Christ. No.
- Scrooge: [pulls out his gun] You're gonna tell me who you work for... then you've got five seconds to tell me who you really are.
- [aims his gun at Santa Claus]
- Scrooge: Five, four, three, two...
- Santa Claus: I'm Santa Claus!
- Scrooge: Well, not anymore.
- [clocks his gun and is about to shoot until the fake snow appears and music plays in the background]
- Scrooge: [from the trailer] You have 300 million dollars in your personal vault. That's what I want for Christmas.