Rock Monster

I reserve that dishonour to the likes of Titanic II, Alien vs Predator, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, Super Tanker, 2010: Moby Dick and Quantum Apocalypse. But that is not saying Rock Monster is good, it is not, at least not to me. It gets plus points for some okay, if not great, acting, especially from the lead and Jon Polito, though David Figlioni overdoes it pretty badly, and a few moments of good-natured goofy charm. However, this is really one of those movies where the title itself tells you all you need to know. The story is incredibly basic and predictable, not much difficult from other creature movies of the SyFy channel, with some ridiculous suspend-disbelief moments, like the ending, and some of it feels rushed through. The final act completely falls apart, compared to some of the film's good nature this part feels like a completely different movie and in all honesty I lost interest. The script had a few quirks that I liked, but overall it was cheesy and all over the place, and the characters are stereotypical and not always easy to engage with. As for the effects, I have no better news, the Rock Monster/Creature of the title looks cheap and has no menace whatsoever. All in all, not one of SyFy's worst, but ridiculous and not much different from other SyFy movies of this genre. 3/10 Bethany Cox

The bad guy, who has a megalomania problem, looks like a refugee from an Uwe Bolle movie, complete with the lousy accent, shaved bald head, phony make-up, and ridiculous black leather jacket costuming. Most of the time he's making "I will take over the world and here's how I'll do it!" speeches.

But the rock creature is even more pathetic. CGI animation that looks like it was done by Mickey Mouse, and the thing is less scary than Mickey is. It hobbles around, looking like it's going to crumble into a pile of fake-looking pebbles any moment. Meanwhile, Uwe Bolle, or whatever his name is, screams dumb comments to and about the thing any chance he gets to shoot his mouth off. The hero: some guy in an orange down jacket that he never takes off. At least this guy made an effort to act, as did his love interest and the guy playing the Major. But with a script this sloppy, they end up looking silly too.

Somebody smash this rocky horror with a sledge hammer.

The story is not predictable, because you can describe it in a short paragraph. The rest of it was simply filler - a guy trying to walk to another town after failing to do so in a car and seeing it destroying two vehicles; the rock monster being blown to the ground after hitting a car with its fist and making it explode, but not at the least bit affected by a grenade; the monster throwing trees and cars around at attackers, but does nothing except getting stabbed by a guy coming at it with a sword. that sort of thing.

I don't want to call anyone names, but I think the only people that calls this movie good is either involved in the production, or, well, let's not go there.

There's really only one reason to watch this awful movie, so let's get it out of the way as fast as possible: Jon Polito's bit part is awesome. I don't think Polito knew "Rock Monster" wasn't a parody, but it all worked out fine. Most semi-established actors that take jobs in low-budget garbage totally phone it in, but Polito does the exact opposite and chews the scenery like there's no tomorrow. Damn it, why isn't he the lead? Unfortunately the Polito-free bits are much harder to sit through, mainly because everything just moves at a snail's pace. Take for instance the whole sequence after they "kill" the monster for a first time: you know the movie's only halfway done, you know it's not really dead yet. Why do they show the villagers celebrating for what feels like eight hours? Get to the damn point. Furthermore, why do they put so much effort into killing the indestructible supercreature when they know for a fact that it's controlled by a mortal guy who can barely take a punch? Damn it, just kill that guy! I guess these Russian villagers just really enjoy challenges, that's probably why they speak English with one another as well. Overall there's just nothing about "Rock Monster" that kept my attention. Everything about it is terrible, but at the same time not terrible enough to really laugh at. So basically, it's one of the most frustrating B-movies you can encounter. Steer clear.

Please spare yourself from watching this. It has to be one of the worst movies I have ever seen, even for SciFi Channel.

Basically it's about four college students (one of them looks 40 years old) who pull a sword out of a stone (how original).

This unleashes a cheesy c.g.i. looking "rock monster" (hence the original title).

This Movie Contains: *The worst acting I've ever seen. *Cheesy effects *Boring plot line & a slow moving pace

Please Avoid At All Costs.

P.S. The next time your bus breaks down, and you decide to take a detour through a spooky forest in the middle or nowhere, rather than waiting for another bus, don't pull any swords out of any stones. =]