His Secret Marriage

'His Secret Marriage' (2019)

Boring and bad. And the title is stupid and misleading. And Karissa Lee Staples has the body of a 13-year-old, as usual, and never seems to look any older than 16 in all the LMN movies she's been in, fighting off psychos ad nauseam. But Lifetime just keeps right on putting her as the lead in their silly movies...sigh.

The movie strings you along for the first hour and a half, keeping you guessing as to whether or not they're really married or the guy is Iying to her, after their car accident at the beginning.

I need to stop expecting halfway-intelligent, halfway-decent movies from this network, just because there HAVE been a few good ones here and there over the past few years..

(And Matt Cohen looks nothing like John Stamos, btw - contrary to the statement of another reviewer here)

Grade D / 2 out of 10.

The majority of this movie is a typical Lifetime movie. It's terribly shot, poorly acted, cheesy and pretty bad. But it's cardinal sun is being boring. However, it makes up for it in the last half hour ish. When the 'action ' starts, that's when the movie goes from a 1, to a 10. We get fight scenes, musical stingers, and big twists. Its bad - but it is now entertaining bad.

I like to rate entertainingly bad movies and I normally solely give them a 1 or a 10. 1 for well, being terrible but not entertaining, and a 10 for being bad and entertaining. But if it does both, I don't know how to rate it. It's hard to legitimately rate this movie, but I think I'll give it a 6/10 for entertainment. Parts of this "movie" are genuinely unwatchable but the last half an hour is very watchable.

We kept watching this movie, hoping for something to happen, but it was uneventful and we couldn't wait for it to end. Everything looked fake and staged, Lifetime movies are usually better or, at least, not that bad. Not worth it at all.

I thoroughly enjoyed watching the young John Stamos look-a-like in this flick. Nice eye candy. But c'mon Lifetime! What women is going to run from his fine self? It's not realistic at all. The movie was interesting. Sure it wasn't great. It does drag on for majority of the movie then the truth is revealed at the end. Quite suspenseful but may get boring to some. Honestly, John Stamos look-a-like kept me watching. He's sexy.

I don't normally mi.d a lifetime hallmarky type movie in the afternoon when in the kitchen busy with other things. They are uncomplicated, easy watching and although they will never gain an Oscar for any actor, they pass the time. However this movie belittles the viewers intelligence and mocks our right to common sense TV.

So where do I start.

1. Dog walker sees two perfectly positioned peoe lying on the ground on the side of a hill with some tomato ketchup on their heads. What does she do. Rush to them to see if they are breathing and comfort them? Pull her mobile and call 911? No she runs off down the road shouting she's going to get help!!

2. Kelsey awakes from a 2 day coma. She remembers that she wasn't married, if that makes sense.

3. Kelsey's parents are asking for permission from the thunderbird lookalike husband to come and see their daughter who has been in a coma for two days?

4. No calls or messages or any visits from her friends. Where are they?

5. How wonderful that you can have alleged horrific accident and then wake from a two day coma with full perfect make up

6. I don't remember you blà blà blà . .where are the pictures he could present, text messages, calls etc etc

This has to be one of the stupidest films I have ever attempted to watch. I have to say attempted as I couldn't make it past twenty minutes.

I have some paint drying in another room and would rather watch that!!

I don't normally mi.d a lifetime hallmarky type movie in the afternoon when in the kitchen busy with other things. They are uncomplicated, easy watching and although they will never gain an Oscar for any actor, they pass the time. However this movie belittles the viewers intelligence and mocks our right to common sense TV.

So where do I start.

1. Dog walker sees two perfectly positioned peoe lying on the ground on the side of a hill with some tomato ketchup on their heads. What does she do. Rush to them to see if they are breathing and comfort them? Pull her mobile and call 911? No she runs off down the road shouting she's going to get help!!

2. Kelsey awakes from a 2 day coma. She remembers that she wasn't married, if that makes sense.

3. Kelsey's parents are asking for permission from the thunderbird lookalike husband to come and see their daughter who has been in a coma for two days?

4. No calls or messages or any visits from her friends. Where are they?

5. How wonderful that you can have alleged horrific accident and then wake from a two day coma with full perfect make up

6. I don't remember you blà blà blà . .where are the pictures he could present, text messages, calls etc etc

This has to be one of the stupidest films I have ever attempted to watch. I have to say attempted as I couldn't make it past twenty minutes.

I have some paint drying in another room and would rather watch that!!

I don't normally mi.d a lifetime hallmarky type movie in the afternoon when in the kitchen busy with other things. They are uncomplicated, easy watching and although they will never gain an Oscar for any actor, they pass the time. However this movie belittles the viewers intelligence and mocks our right to common sense TV.

So where do I start.

1. Dog walker sees two perfectly positioned peoe lying on the ground on the side of a hill with some tomato ketchup on their heads. What does she do. Rush to them to see if they are breathing and comfort them? Pull her mobile and call 911? No she runs off down the road shouting she's going to get help!!

2. Kelsey awakes from a 2 day coma. She remembers that she wasn't married, if that makes sense.

3. Kelsey's parents are asking for permission from the thunderbird lookalike husband to come and see their daughter who has been in a coma for two days?

4. No calls or messages or any visits from her friends. Where are they?

5. How wonderful that you can have alleged horrific accident and then wake from a two day coma with full perfect make up

6. I don't remember you blà blà blà . .where are the pictures he could present, text messages, calls etc etc

This has to be one of the stupidest films I have ever attempted to watch. I have to say attempted as I couldn't make it past twenty minutes.

I have some paint drying in another room and would rather watch that!!

I don't normally mi.d a lifetime hallmarky type movie in the afternoon when in the kitchen busy with other things. They are uncomplicated, easy watching and although they will never gain an Oscar for any actor, they pass the time. However this movie belittles the viewers intelligence and mocks our right to common sense TV.

So where do I start.

1. Dog walker sees two perfectly positioned peoe lying on the ground on the side of a hill with some tomato ketchup on their heads. What does she do. Rush to them to see if they are breathing and comfort them? Pull her mobile and call 911? No she runs off down the road shouting she's going to get help!!

2. Kelsey awakes from a 2 day coma. She remembers that she wasn't married, if that makes sense.

3. Kelsey's parents are asking for permission from the thunderbird lookalike husband to come and see their daughter who has been in a coma for two days?

4. No calls or messages or any visits from her friends. Where are they?

5. How wonderful that you can have alleged horrific accident and then wake from a two day coma with full perfect make up

6. I don't remember you blà blà blà . .where are the pictures he could present, text messages, calls etc etc

This has to be one of the stupidest films I have ever attempted to watch. I have to say attempted as I couldn't make it past twenty minutes.

I have some paint drying in another room and would rather watch that!!

I don't normally mi.d a lifetime hallmarky type movie in the afternoon when in the kitchen busy with other things. They are uncomplicated, easy watching and although they will never gain an Oscar for any actor, they pass the time. However this movie belittles the viewers intelligence and mocks our right to common sense TV.

So where do I start.

1. Dog walker sees two perfectly positioned peoe lying on the ground on the side of a hill with some tomato ketchup on their heads. What does she do. Rush to them to see if they are breathing and comfort them? Pull her mobile and call 911? No she runs off down the road shouting she's going to get help!!

2. Kelsey awakes from a 2 day coma. She remembers that she wasn't married, if that makes sense.

3. Kelsey's parents are asking for permission from the thunderbird lookalike husband to come and see their daughter who has been in a coma for two days?

4. No calls or messages or any visits from her friends. Where are they?

5. How wonderful that you can have alleged horrific accident and then wake from a two day coma with full perfect make up

6. I don't remember you blà blà blà . .where are the pictures he could present, text messages, calls etc etc

This has to be one of the stupidest films I have ever attempted to watch. I have to say attempted as I couldn't make it past twenty minutes.

I have some paint drying in another room and would rather watch that!!