Pânico a Bordo

The movie starts in Mexico where a girl has been cursed, she spits on snakes thru green jello and her friend tries all these crazy spells to lift the curse. He does nothing but chant horrible language that does nothing, so they decide to cross the border get on the train to make their way to L.A. to see his uncle to lift the curse. Comic hilarity ensues. This movie has the same snakes over and over! It has garden snakes and pythons that will never bite. They all make the sound of rattlesnakes which makes no sense. The whole movie has some funny lines, some weak effects, but most important a great ending that leaves you like WHAM BAM WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED!!!!! The whole movie is about a 1, but the ending is a 10, so by my crazy math it gets a 3 overall. When blockbuster has nothing else you want, grab this for mindless entertainment!

The cover illustration isn't a lie, in fact. In case you've never witnessed a movie in which an entire train (and not a small one, I may add) gets eaten by a preposterously humongous and pathetic looking CGI snake, here's your chance! Before you experience this, however, you'll have to struggle yourself through one of the most miserable and embarrassing pieces of trash ever made. There honestly aren't any words to describe how awful "Snakes on a Train" actually is. The script doesn't contain any coherence or logical development, the characters (as well as the actors and actresses depicting them) are pitiable morons and the special effects & action sequences are amateurish beyond comprehension. A female Mexican refugee and her lover illegally board a train from El Paso to Los Angeles. The woman has been cursed by her family, however, and she constantly barfs up thick green pea soup with little serpents in it. She needs to keep the serpents with her in order to survive, but some of them nevertheless slither away to the next carriages. Then, for some inexplicable reason, the little black snakes mutate into various species of enormous colorful snakes and begin to feast on the rest of the passengers. This is embarrassing, bottom-of-the-barrel stuff, quickly made to cash in on the unexpected huge success of "Snakes on a Plane", and I'm pretty sure the Mallachi Brothers improvised the script as they went along filming this nonsense. The handful of characters (100 passengers, my ass… More like 12 to 15) don't have a clue what they're doing or saying and one of them even mistakes a giant snake for an iguana. And it's boring. Don't ask me how a shoestring-budgeted film revolving on snakes in an isolated setting manages to be boring, but it is. The last couple of minutes are fun, but only if you're severely intoxicated.

Truly, truly awful. I don't even know where to begin. This is a perfect example of a movie that doesn't know what to do with itself. I'm not sure I could even assign a category myself, except that I'm quite sure it's a slap in the face of everyone, every where. Even the unborn.

At times, I thought I was watching a parody, or some kind of farce. At times, just a bad B movie. But I kept holding out for the porno, which, I fear, is almost(but not entirely), non existent.

Some one advised skipping to the ending. I would definitely second that emotion. The last five minutes are intense, and certainly contain some of the best film making/cgi you will ever see, ever.

Ed Wood would be proud.

Let's get one thing straight, this gets an 7 out of 10 not on a normal scale, but out of the bad movie scale. this is the kind of movie you rent on purpose, where you intentionally walk in knowing that it is a horrendous knockoff and shun'd by everyone else.

I went in with one promise from the movie, that there will be snakes on a train, and it Delivers!

The gore itself is really good, and the characters have awesome roles. Come on, it has everything from stoned train pilots to teenage girls trafficking drugs, even a Electrical Engineer getting his pimp on! You get to see some topless nudity, explosions, snakes, gore, and a Mexican main lead running around curing his girlfriend by hitting his crack pipe and blowing the smoke in her face!! As I mentioned and many others have, the movie pacing is a bit off, but respectable nonetheless.

Movies like this keep our group tradition of banding together and all chipping in a buck or two to watch masterpieces such as this. There can be no better time spent then coming together to enjoy a good bad movie.

It could learn a thing or two from the likes of other such fine flicks as Alien Lock-down or Boa vs Python, but those are some big shoes to fill.

A solid 7 out of 10.

While I was watching SNAKES ON A TRAIN I found myself thinking on more than one occasion that this was seriously lame, the only other film I felt that way about was MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE and that was lame, and when it came to the halfway mark I reckoned this is really getting annoying with this Mexican chic puking green goo and also a snake here and there and with her boyfriend reciting an incantation like "Walla Bella green buns, ditty bitty fish sticks and add some garlic." but when it reached the end I found myself sporting the people's eyebrow and going what the hell just happened here?.

I think I was less confused with PARANORMAL ACTIVITY than with this film, I've often wondered what was so scary about PA but now I find myself wondering who would green light something like this to go into production? I wonder if I send these people my own script if they'd turn it into a movie, if they reject it I could always sue them for discriminating between smart people and village idiots.

Overall, consider this this film a passer by, if you see it at your local DVD retail or rental shop feel free to pass it by.