- Connor Mead: Someone once told me that the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less, and he was right. But power isn't happiness, and I think that maybe happiness comes from caring more about people rather than less...
- Connor Mead: I am begging you: don't run away. You and Paul have something so rare, so powerful! Don't chicken out now.
- Sandra: "Don't chicken out"? He cheated.
- Connor Mead: Get over it. It was years ago! With some slutty friend of yours! A friend, incidentally, that you're not even mad at. And you know why? Because you don't actually care. You love Paul so much you forgave him the second you heard, and that's what scares you.
- Sandra: You have no idea how I feel. No idea!
- Connor Mead: Yes, I do. I've been in your shoes. You know what? It scared the hell out of me too. What if she hurt me? What if she left me? What if she died? It would have been the end of me. So I cut it short, before she ever could. And you know what? It was the biggest mistake I ever made. And you're making the same mistake right now, and I'll be goddamned if I'm going to sit by and watch. You've got to risk love, Sandra! I didn't and look at me! I'm a lonely ghost of a man. It doesn't mean that you're never going to get hurt, but the pain you feel will never compare to the regret that comes from walking away from love. And from someone who's felt a lot of both, trust me, pain beats regret every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Don't run away. Don't do it.
- Sandra: I can't believe I'm saying this but, uh, I think you might be right.
- Connor Mead: So. Do you want to get married?
- Sandra: I do.
- Connor Mead: You do?
- Sandra: Yes!
- Uncle Wayne: So here's a couple of tips. When you first meet a girl you give her two compliments above the neck. Yeah, tell her she's got nice lips, nice eyes, nice hair... she's intelligent, her moral ethics, whatever crap comes to your mind. Then just when she begins to thinks that you're another - you know - vanilla nice guy that she can tool around with all night without getting naked...
- [hits his hand on bar]
- Uncle Wayne: you *insult* her! Flip the power dynamic and your let her know that you're here to play.
- Melanie: There's apple, bubble gum, and Tandoori. I know it sounds gross, but have two of them and you won't feel your face.
- Paul: Ok, he's not that bad.
- Connor Mead: Thank you, Paulie.
- Deena the Bridesmaid: Paul, he hit on your mother-in-law.
- Vonda Volkom: I've banged worse.
- Connor Mead: [All cheer] Thank you, Vonda!
- Paul: These are my groomsmen. Guys, this is my brother Connor.
- Groomsman #1: We've heard the stories, man.
- Connor Mead: Oh, ok.
- Groomsman #2: An *honor* to be serving with you.
- Connor Mead: And with you.
- Groomsman #3: It's mice to neat you. Damn it! I blew it.
- Sergeant Volkom: [making his FOTB wedding reception toast in full military dress uniform] It was cold and dark, and we'd been taking fire for hours. Took an incoming mortar hit. I opened up his jacket, and his insides fell out; and I had his bloody guts in my hand. They were warm and mushy and squishy. And I push them back right into his body cavity, and willed him to live with my tears. And THAT is what true love is... hoo-ah!
- Denice the Bridesmaid: [had a bit too much to drink] Hey, Connor.
- Connor Mead: Hey.
- Denice the Bridesmaid: How you been?
- Connor Mead: Well, I'm at a wedding. I'm seeing ghosts in the john. I've been better.
- Denice the Bridesmaid: What were you and Sandra's mom talking about so *intensely*?
- Connor Mead: Casual sex.
- [which causes her to splutter in her drink]
- Connor Mead: So what's your stance on casual sex, bridesmaid?
- Denice the Bridesmaid: On top! I mean, I'm... I'm for it.
- Connor Mead: Oh, speaking of which, I think I owe you an apology. I've enjoyed the company of all the other bridesmaids except you. I mean, you must feel terribly left out.
- Denice the Bridesmaid: [nods] I do.
- [goofy smile, chuckles]
- Connor Mead: I do hope that there's some way to rectify this injustice.
- Denice the Bridesmaid: Well, you know what I always say is, "To think globally, act locally."
- [chuckles]
- Connor Mead: [chuckles] Then, before I, uh, commence the launch code... Are you the one my brother slept with? I don't like to cross swords.
- Denice the Bridesmaid: Wait, what? Your brother slept with one of the bridesmaids?
- Connor Mead: Okay, I guess it wasn't you. Okay, from now on, I don't... cross swords. Listen, forget I even brought it up. Hey, why don't you scamper up to my room, boil some water, get the chicken claw out of my suitcase, do some light stretching, and I will be up in five?
- Denice the Bridesmaid: [whispers very softly] Chicken claw. Okay.
- Connor Mead: Chicken claw.
- Denice the Bridesmaid: Okay.
- [chuckles, goes on her mission, whispering to herself:]
- Denice the Bridesmaid: Suitcase. Stretching. Scamper. Five minutes.
- Connor Mead: [to the amazed bartender] And that's how it's done, son. That is how it's done.
- Foyer Bartender: Does it work on guys?
- Connor Mead: [only momentarily taken aback] Probably.
- Jenny Perotti: Is everything still okay here, guys? Because we're still, you know, rehearsing.
- Connor Mead: Jenny Perrotti.
- Jenny Perotti: [coolly] Connor Mead.
- Connor Mead: I'll be damned.
- Jenny Perotti: Uhm. That's probably true.
- Connor Mead: Well...
- Jenny Perotti: The bride's unsupervised.
- Paul: I'm on it.
- Connor Mead: Hey, we're not done talking about this, huh?
- Jenny Perotti: Done talking about what?
- Connor Mead: Options.
- Jenny Perotti: Options. Yeah, listen to me, Connor. This is the biggest weekend in Sandy'so life. If you do anything to detract from her wedding, I will sneak into your room in the middle of the night and cut off your favorite appendage.
- Connor Mead: That first part sounds nice.
- Jenny Perotti: I can make it look like an accident, honey. Don't push me. Try to be supportive. Normal. Not a train wreck... for once.
- Allison Vandermeersh: After Jenny, your relationships grew shorter and shorter. So short, in fact, it would be easier to do this in bulk.
- [long line of lovelies waiting]
- Allison Vandermeersh: Oh, you remember Amy, the stewardess?
- Amy the Stewardess: Hey, Connor. We had plane sex somewhere over Albany. And Rochester. And South Bend, Indiana.
- [chuckles]
- Allison Vandermeersh: [pretends to be impressed] Triple whammy!
- Bar Twin, Bar Twin: You slept with my sister!
- Bar Man "Shawna": I was Shawna back then. A waitress at the Palm. We had coatroom sex on my smoke break.
- Connor Mead: That was you?
- Chinese Bar Woman: [translated from Chinese] You have brought great dishonor to my family. Eat shit Mead Connor!
- "Two Days" Bar Woman: We dated for two days.
- "For An Hour" Bar Woman: For an hour.
- "48 Seconds" Bar Woman: For forty-eight seconds.
- Melanie: [to the three women who Connor broke up with on a conference call] Don't be sad, you whiny bitches.
- Uncle Wayne: Took her into the coat-check only to find she's got ten pin under her dress.
- Connor Mead: No! Wait... what?
- Sergeant Volkom: It's not complicated. Our guests are represented by the Allies. Paul, you and your guests are Nazis.
- Paul: I'll try not to read into that, sir.
- Sergeant Volkom: Blue frogmen are non-requisite support personnel. Waiters, photographers, caterers, band members and so forth.
- Jenny Perotti: Oh, Donna, look. You got a grenade launcher.
- Donna the Bridesmaid: Oh, my God, I love grenade launchers.
- [Jenny looks at Donna and smiles]
- Sandra: Daddy, you're not showing off your seating chart, are you?
- Connor Mead: I want to ask you something, when did casual sex become a crime?
- Vonda Volkom: [laughs]
- Connor Mead: Really? I mean, now a days being a single means, what? You've lost your way? That something is missing? Never mind that every night I swim in a lake of sex, and they fall asleep in each others arms, spooning.
- Vonda Volkom: Connor, spooning is nice.
- Connor Mead: Yeah, not as nice as forking.
- Deena the Bridesmaid: [to Connor] Need we remind you that as the man-whore in residence, you have certain duties to the single ladies here tonight?
- Jenny Perotti: [some years ago, to long-haired Connor after he settled on taking her to dinner] All right. On one condition. We gotta button you up. You look like a gay pirate.
- Nadja: Tell me you're not breaking up with me on a conference call.
- Kiki: But I thought things were going great.
- Nadja: You are a womens hater. Connor Mead hates womens.
- Connor Mead: No, no, no, I love womens. I mean, "women." I love *all* women. That's the problem here.
- Kiki: No. The problem is you date a girl for two weeks, get her to fall in love with you...
- Nadja: [sobbing] He takes the love, and he hoard it... like a miser!
- Connor Mead: [looking back at current romantic interest Kalia] Jesus, doesn't anyone just wanna have fun anymore?
- Kalia: [after he dumped three girlfriends simultaneously] You really are as bad as they say.
- Connor Mead: Ah, oh, no, dear, I am just a little bit worse.
- Deena the Bridesmaid: [deleted scene] Okay, girls, listen up. I did not spend two hours waxing my lady business to not get me a little loving this weekend.
- Denice the Bridesmaid: Okay, girl, I drove all the way from Philly on a Friday. I got a water bra. We all deserve some loving.