Court of Lonely Royals

You know what's more annoying than sparkly vampires? Mopey killers, as this film so amply proves.

Undiscernably set in the near future, the film follows a pair of disaffected, twentyish emo contract killers who work for a cop that hangs out in a food court. In between unbearably long periods of staring off into space, our apathetic assassins kill people using their lethal powers of ennui. Well, that and a number of ridiculously staged coincidences.

But even after the miserable murderers find girlfriends (as improbably as that sounds) the film still can't find a pulse and we're treated to another eternity of anguished aimlessness before the final non-conclusion puts us out of *our* misery. Stay away from this one unless your an emo teen. Or comatose. Or both.

This was one of eight Australian made and produced films I saw during last year's Adelaide Film Festival. It was easily my favorite, and I have been waiting (apparently in vain) for director/writer Rohan to release his second film ever since.

I thought the way the film was cut together was both highly creative and original and the plot line was as dynamic as its characters/actors. Seeing works like these makes me feel proud to call myself Australian. The fact that Rohan Michael Hoole received such little attention either then or later on for his debut feature leaves me wanting to defect.

I consider myself a discerning viewer and as a consequence have never owned a television. I was introduced to SBS and foreign films via my German-born father at an early age and I have attended the opening of almost every Australian-made film since 2001. My favorite director/writer/camera man team is Bergman/Nykvist.

Why am I telling you this? Because I think that: a) if you haven't seen this film you need to and, b) if you see it and don't like it, you're suffering a case of the green-eyed monster.

Teenage girls that have no perception of reality may find this movie to be cutting edge and awesome. The rest of us will just be thinking- gee this is a rather flashy way of not telling an interesting story and the action is very limp for the most part.

About every 15 minutes there is 30 seconds of decent footage so there's some potential for who shot this movie but no potential for who wrote or directed it.

The girls are pretty so this is OK to completely waste a Saturday afternoon with but just realize this is a stupid poorly written comic book timewaster and nothing else.

PLOT: Attempts at making assassination look stylish and cool are coupled with unrealistic plot twists and dialog- at no point will you care about any of the characters. This follows several assassins as their lives start to collide. Cosmo magazine would be proud. The rest of us will wish the mall rat whores that purchase this trash were not altering the market of movies so much.

This movie could have been saved by being directed by John Woo with American and Chinese actors and a whole lot more character development and believable plot twists.

Go see a hong kong cinema gangster flick instead- those are the real deal- this is a mall imitation jewelry version.

Interesting concept... kind of a Star Chamber, but here the Aussie police use a bunch of Gen X-ers to do their dirty work. Written, directed, produced by Rohan Hoole, and it looks like this is the only thing he has done so far. Lots of special effects going on -- liberal use of airbrushed, soft lighting, tricks with lighting, negative film, black and white photography. Also lots of prostitution, explicit sexual activity and drug use. And that's all within the first ten minutes! Two chicks meet up in a hotel, on different errands, and they become besties, going on special "assignments". We're not always sure what's going on, but that's part of the charm, I guess. Are they friends? Lovers? Co-workers? A whole lot of cussing. Weird lighting. Lots of killing. Kind of a "Week in the Life of...." diary. Pretty entertaining, but those who need a clean, straight forward plot probably won't like this one. There are some funny lines in here, but sadly, there are so many blanks in the IMDb character list, we're not sure who said which lines. Not a bad first project for Hoole. Script is a little weak, but the acting is pretty good. Probably didn't need all the special effects, but it's entertaining enough.