Idas e Vindas do Amor

I was the classic husband dragged to see this on Valentine's Day weekend as a goodwill gesture. It was every bit as bad as could be possibly imagined. Half of Hollywood's A List star as vacuous stereotypes, moronically obsessed with the holiday in question. This despite the fact they are all living millionaire lifestyles, with perfect tans and the whitest of teeth. It's Love Actually, without a sense of humour or any depth whatsoever. No- one and nothing is remotely realistic - every storyline has a trite and convenient resolution and none is convincing or interesting. There is a perfect and unlikely ratio of ethnicities and sexualities. The sex trade is entirely trivialised and sanitised. No-one stays upset about relationship breakdowns for more than one scene. People break into spontaneous dance sequences in which everyone knows the pre-rehearsed moves but the film doesn't have the conviction to show it for more than 3 seconds... Just utter pointless and patronising bilge...

You don't know what awful is until you've seen this film. I wasn't looking for a profound commentary on the human experience - I watched "Valentine's Day" expecting 100 minutes worth of harmless and fun escapism. To say that I was disappointed is a bit of an understatement.

To begin with, the film is WAY too long - or perhaps it just seems like an eternity. Minute after minute, it is sickeningly sappy and sweet, without any depth of character or plot to justify its duration. The acting is for the most part atrocious - or, at best, mediocre. Taylor Swift, in a nightmarish "comic relief" role, and the annoying little boy, in particular, stand out as paragons of annoying incompetence. However, the writing is so awful, even the greatest of thespians could not make this movie bearable. I honestly felt rather embarrassed for the actors, most of whom I'm sure are quite capable if given a half-decent script. Perhaps worst of all, "Valentine's Day" acts like it is an eye-opening and touching study of human relationships, while it's really drivel.

If there's anything I'd like the reader to learn from this review it's to avoid this film at all costs. It isn't good, it isn't even so-bad-it's-good - it's just plain dreadful.

In the Los Angeles area, a multitude of people (all played by big names) have their lives intersect on Valentine's Day. A soldier, a football player, high school kids, a teacher, a florist and a doctor... among others. From daybreak to sundown, we follow each of them on their misadventures.

This film is getting trashed in the reviews with critics taking a collective dump on this film's face. But, you know what, I loved it. A film from the director of "Beaches" and "Pretty Woman" (Garry Marshall), with Julia Roberts and Ashton Kutcher... it should be crap. Especially since it's a romantic comedy. But this one is legitimately funny, and both Kutcher and Roberts give great performances. Even Topher Grace gives his best job yet.

You have to understand that this film is a romantic comedy, and as such isn't going to be as deep as other films. But it's very sweet, and well-written. It has been compared (rightly) to "Love Actually", but this is a strong film on its own. The way all the plots criss-cross and end up paying off so perfectly, it recalls the glory years of the 1980s, where so much could happen in one day. And there's a dance sequence towards the end! Taylor Swift has received a lot of criticism for her acting in this one. And I'm not a fan of Swift, but I have to defend her. She was playing a dumb blond and came across as a dumb blond. Some of her scenes were the funniest in the picture. If people missed that, they missed a lot. Is she a bad actress? Maybe. I don't know... but I do know she worked out well here and left a memorable impression.

Ebert, among others, slammed this film, and went so far as to say if your date likes this film, don't continue dating them. Boy, do I strongly disagree. The theater seemed to enjoy this on, and I cannot blame any girl (or guy) for thinking this a fun film. Sure, it's not high art... but it's fun and fluffy in the best way.

I wasn't sure what to expect from this film, but I watched it anyway, because I like a lot of the people in the cast. My overall thoughts on Valentine's Day was that it wasn't terrible but it was very uneven and I do have to agree with anyone who says Love Actually did it better, it did.

Starting off with Valentine's Day, it does have a great cast. Jennifer Garner and Anne Hathaway especially are very charming, and I liked the little boy who had a crush on Garner. It was also really nice to see Hector Elizondo and Shirley McLaine again, same with Patrick Dempsey and I also thought Taylor Swift was delightfully ditzy in her debut. I didn't mind Julia Roberts either, however the only ones I didn't like so much were Jessica Alba, who doesn't have that much to do and Taylor Lautner who was rather bland, and it seemed ironic that his character didn't want to take his shirt off, when in New Moon(horrible film by the way) Lautner spends most of the time with it off. Asides from the cast, Valentine's Day was nicely filmed and had a lovely soundtrack. And I thought several of the stories worked, especially Garner's.

However, I wasn't completely sure about the phone sex idea and Eric Dane's story is painfully underdeveloped. The script also has its weak spots with nothing really sticking out in the mind, in fact there were only a few amusing moments as the film is more bittersweet than funny, particularly the one in the restaurant with the conversation about the pig's meal. The film also drags badly, while the direction isn't quite as focused as it would have liked.

Overall, it isn't terrible, but it is very uneven. Worth seeing once or twice, but it isn't a movie for me that is to watch every day of the week. 6/10 Bethany Cox

Did you read that cast list? Gives the term 'star-studded' a new meaning. Imagine what kind of film you could make with all that talent. Well, Valentine's Day is not that film. Far from it in fact. This who's who of a cast hampers any chance of real emotion due to the need to share screen time among them all. When you start getting interested in a character you'll most likely not see them again for another 45 minutes, pretty annoying when there are so few likable characters in the first place.

What is perhaps the scariest is that despite a plethora of plots, subplots and sub-subplots – all intertwining somehow – there isn't a shred of originality. Sure, you might be surprised who Bradley Cooper hooks up with at the end, but one small unforeseen twist barely counts. Bulge and fluff replace characterization and narrative development whilst the corny dialogue comes off as cutesy more than cute. It all goes back to the bloated cast: with over 20 stars that need their quota of jokes, sobs and happy endings filled, it's majorly difficult to dedicate any real time to exploring the unique intricacies of love and loss. See the far superior Love Actually for how it's done.

Saving it from complete dreadfulness is a handful of these big names – probably not the ones you would suspect – who manage to squeeze a laugh from their one-dimensional roles. The two Taylor's, Lautner and Swift, play their love-struck high school couple with a cheerful amount of tongue-in-cheek; Kutcher proves his charisma can go a long way as a heartbroken florist; and Cooper and Roberts (Julia, that is) are intriguing as plane passengers who don't know each other. Biel should hang her head in shame though, her standout woeful performance surely an early front runner for this year's Razzies.

Save your money and revisit its British counterpart on DVD instead.

1.5 out of 5 (1 - Rubbish, 2 - Ordinary, 3 - Good, 4 - Excellent, 5 - Classic)