- Karen: It's not your baby.
- Larry: I don't understand.
- Woman at Cowboy Frank's: It means she's got a bun in her oven that ain't your recipe. Now, is the salad bar still free though?
- Larry: Why would you care? Doesn't look like you've had a salad all your life.
- Sgt. Kilgore: Get your candy-asses on the plane!
- [Everette stands there as the others get on the plane]
- Sgt. Kilgore: You deaf! Did you hear me boy?
- Everette: Yes, Sir, but I'm a mongoloid.
- Sgt. Kilgore: Get on the plane!
- Victor: [to Everett] Oh, and keep your eyes open. Some drunk has been exposing himself to the waitresses at the Denny's across the street. The last time the crazy bastard was carrying a samurai sword.
- Sgt. Kilgore: Now, Larry, I'm appointing you as acting Squad Leader. Don't get too excited. You beat out a mongoloid and a candy-ass.
- Everette: [to Bill] He called you a candy-ass.
- Carlos Santana: I'm the real Carlos Santana! Man of courage, honor. The leader of men! That other guy, he is just a guitar player.
- Rufus: Yeah, well, I think you both suck.
- Carlos Santana: [shoots Rufus in the nose]
- Amazing Ken: You shot Rufus!
- Carlos Santana: I was aiming for the Amazing Ken.
- Larry: [seeing Bill and Everette sleeping together] What in the name of Siegfried and Roy are you fellas doing?
- Bill Little: Don't ask.
- Everette: Don't tell.
- Carlos Santana: I think Ruben likes you
- Bill Little: It just seems odd that a man of your stature would embrace alternative lifestyles amongst his men.
- Carlos Santana: You can"t fire someone because they"re gay!
- Carlos Santana: That"s discrimination!
- Carlos Santana: You can get sued for that, eh?
- Carlos Santana: Besides, he"s my nephew.
- Carlos Santana: You can"t choose your familia.
- Carlos Santana: So, he"s here, he"s queer. Get used to it.
- Bill Little: One man's international incident is another man's preemptive strike in the war on terror.
- [from trailer]
- Larry: [seeing Bill and Everette sleeping together] What in the name of Siegfried and Roy are you fellas doing?
- Bill Little: Don't ask
- Everette: Don't tell
- Bill Little: Forget it, I've got a wife and kids to think about.
- Larry: And if Connie and the boys were living in a place like this, would you leave them?
- Larry: Man, look at the size of that son of a bitch. He would of ripped you a...
- Sgt. Kilgore: Get me loose! I hate Sonny and Cher.