- Snoop Dogg: When we get this reward, we gonna get ourselves a boat, some bitches and a shark
- Mac Miller: Why are we gonna need a shark?
- Snoop Dogg: We just gon' need one.
- Charlie Sheen: Do me a favor. Promise me you won't drive.
- Lindsay Lohan: That's sweet. You're worried about me driving.
- Charlie Sheen: I'm worried about me. I'm a pedestrian.
- [from trailer]
- Jody Campbell: So, a demon is the worse thing you can have?
- Priest: No, ma'am, an STD is the worse thing you can have.
- Christian Grey: How do you like my blue room?
- Jody Campbell: It's red.
- Christian Grey: Oh. I'm color blind, my decorator assured me... never mind.
- Pierre: Alright, attention! I do not wish to repeat myself. I repeat, I do not wish to repeat myself.
- Lindsay Lohan: I don't want to end up all over the Internet. I pride myself on keeping a low profile. My private life is private... wait, what are all these?
- Charlie Sheen: Oh, just some movies I rented.
- Lindsay Lohan: Me and Brandy, missionary?
- Charlie Sheen: A tale of two girls who become nuns.
- Lindsay Lohan: And what are all those?
- Charlie Sheen: Oh, it's just your standard home security setup, basic run of the mill.
- Lindsay Lohan: And why do you need security cameras pointing at your bed.
- Charlie Sheen: In case a burglar tries to steal my sex tapes.
- Lindsay Lohan: I don't wanna end up all over the internet. I pride myself in keeping a low profile. My private life is private.
- Dom Kolb: You need to clear your subconscious, and watch what you think about. Nothing crazy.
- Jody Campbell: Right. Like having your crotch burst into flames.
- [first lines]
- Lindsay Lohan: I just don't want to make one of these tapes if it's something you do with every girl.
- Charlie Sheen: Every girl? No, no. I am strictly a one-woman guy.
- Lindsay Lohan: Okay, what is that?
- Charlie Sheen: Just unraveling the old hose.
- Charlie Sheen: Save it for tomorrow, Raul!
- Raul - the Gardener: Si senor.