- Bruce Campbell: You know Jeff, I've gotten a lot of use out of chainsaws over the years. Killed a lot a zombies, saved a lot of lives, but at the end of the day when push comes to shove... they're just too damn heavy.
- Bruce Campbell: Jeff, I just have one request.
- Jeff: Anything Bruce.
- Bruce Campbell: Next time you unleash an ancient demon, call that Buffy chick.
- Jeff: Sure you're ready for this, Bruce?
- Bruce Campbell: Kid, I made a movie in Bulgaria. I'm ready for anything.
- Bruce Campbell: I'm not one of those shallow, sex machines like all those other Hollywood types.
- Kasey: [behind him] Hey mister, you still owe me 100 bucks! And we still have to have sex!
- Bruce Campbell: Consider yourself officially exempt from my wrath sweetcakes, and if you're lucky a little later I'll let you play with my boomstick.
- Bruce Campbell: Where in the heck did you find this Evil Dead shampoo?
- Jeff: Bruce, that's drain cleaner.
- Bruce Campbell: Well, I guess that would explain the burning sensation.
- Dirt Farmer: You know, they go to all the trouble to kidnap somebody, I'd have kidnapped that Jake character from Evil Dead 2.
- Frank: My money'd have been on that blacksmith from Army of Darkness. Now that's one stud.
- Dirt Farmer: Damn straight.
- Frank: I wish I could quit you.
- Cheryl: You wanna know the truth about us, Bruce? It wasn't the cheating, or the boozing, or even the endless whining that killed our marriage. You just couldn't commit. To your career, to our relationship, or really to much of anything.
- Bruce Campbell: [pause] So, the cheating, boozing and endless whining were ok? Ahahahahaha-AH!
- [falls off his chair]
- Bruce Campbell: I gotta make a phone call. I'll be right back, don't do anything quaint until I return.
- Bruce Campbell: God, I miss you and the kids.
- Cheryl: What kids?
- Bruce Campbell: The ones we would have had, if you'd have just hung on!
- Bruce Campbell: You want a disaster? Anyone here seen Assault on Dome 4?
- Jeff: That's probably my favorite movie of...
- Bruce Campbell: Don't answer that.
- Bruce Campbell: [Hearing, that Jeff is Kelly's son] Uuuuhhh, young mother.
- [laughs]
- Kelly Graham: It's a country thing.
- Bruce Campbell: Hey, a MILF is a MILF.
- Scientist 1: [a scene from the fake trailer for "Cavealien 2" in the DVD extras] This thing isn't human!
- Scientist 2: What is it?
- Scientist 1: It's... unhuman!
- Bruce Campbell: Ok, here's the deal. I'm gonna stall the wonton one-ton which should give you... Oh I don't know, maybe thirty seconds to find a way to stop him before he rips my head off and shoves it in my face
- Clayton: So uh, why haven't I seen you around school?
- Big Debbie: It's 'cause I'm never there.
- Clayton: Cool. You seeing anybody?
- Big Debbie: No.
- Clayton: Cool.
- Jeff: A group of teenagers unwittingly unleashed Guan-Di, the Chinese god of war and protector of the dead. And unless you help us stop him, he will kill every one of us!
- Bruce Campbell: Okay, settle down. I'm gonna give you some advice, okay? Keep it under a million and a half, get one name actor, and if you go straight to DVD, you might break even. Now fuck off!
- Wing: [rough asian accent] Guan Di has been unleashed from his grave.
- Bruce Campbell: Wait, did you say 'unreashed'?
- Wing: Unleashed! Unleashed! What's matter, don't you speak Engrish?
- Bruce Campbell: Have you seen Rawhide?
- Wheelchair Fan: Yeah.
- Bruce Campbell: You like it?
- Wheelchair Fan: Yeah.
- Bruce Campbell: Well, then you gotta keep those doggies rollin'!
- [Pushes Wheelchair Fan]