- Debbie: I'm not gonna go to the end of the fucking line, who the fuck are you? I have just as much of a right to be here as any of these little skanky girls. What, am I not skanky enough for you, you want me to hike up my fucking skirt? What the fuck is your problem? I'm not going anywhere, you're just some roided out freak with a fucking clipboard. And your stupid little fucking rope! You know what, you may have power now but you are not god. You're a doorman, okay. You're a doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, so... Fuck You! You fucking fag with your fucking little faggy gloves.
- Doorman: I know... you're right. I'm so sorry, I fuckin' hate this job. I don't want to be the one to pass judgement, decide who gets in. Shit makes me sick to my stomach, I get the runs from the stress. It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth.
- Debbie: What?
- Doorman: You old, she pregnant. Can't have a bunch of old pregnant bitches running around. That's crazy, I'm only allowed to let in five percent black people. He said that, that means if there's 25 people here I get to let in one and a quarter black people. So I gotta hope there's a black midget in the crowd.
- Pete: Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.
- Ben Stone: Do you want to do it doggie style?
- Alison Scott: You're not going to fuck me like a dog.
- Ben Stone: It's doggie style. It's just the style. We don't have to go outside or anything.
- Jack: ...there's gonna be some things that you are going to be able to get, that other people in the office don't get... one of them: Gym membership.
- Alison Scott: You want me to lose weight?
- Jack: [laughing] No, I don't want you to lose weight!
- Jill: No, uh, we can't legally ask you to do that.
- Jack: We didn't say lose weight... I might say tighten.
- Alison Scott: Tight?
- Jack: Tighter.
- Jill: Just liked toned and smaller.
- Jack: Don't make everything smaller, I don't wanna generalize that way... tighter.
- Jill: We don't want you to lose weight, we just want you to be healthy. Y'know, by eating less.
- Alison Scott: OK.
- Jill: We would just like it if you go home and step on the scale, and write down how much you weigh, and subtract it by like, 20.
- Alison Scott: 20.
- Jill: And then weigh that much.
- Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!
- Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal!
- Dr. Pellagrino: [after staring at Allison's vagina for the gynecology appointment] Wow, you do look like your sister!
- Sadie: Where do babies come from?
- Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
- Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
- Debbie: That's exactly right.
- Jill: Oh, no, we're not asking you to lose weight. That would be illegal. We just want you to be healthy, by eating less. So go home, weigh yourself on a scale, write than down. Then subtract 20 from that number. And weigh that. Yeah.
- Ben Stone: Hey Doc Howard, Ben Stone calling, guess what the fuck's up? Allison is going into labor and you are not fucking here, you know where you're at? Your at a fucking bar mitzvah in San Francisco you motherfucking piece of shit, and you know what I'm gonna have to do now? I'm going have to kill you, I'm gonna pop a fucking cap in your ass. You're dead, you're Tupac, you are fucking Biggie you piece of shit, I hope you fucking die or drop the chair and kill that fucking kid... I hope your plane crashes, peace fucker!
- Ben Stone: Yeah, it's a cure-all. My buddy Jonah broke his elbow one time. He just smoked some weed. It still clicks, but it's cool.
- Doorman: What the fuck is she doing at the club? That's not even good parenting right there. Your old ass should know better than that.
- Jonah: We got pinkeye.
- Ben Stone: Were you giving butterfly kisses or something?
- Jason: Ha ha ha, very funny That's not how you get pinkeye. You get it from poo particles making their way into your ocular cavities.
- Jay: Um, I farted on Jason's pillow as a practical joke. He farted on Jonah's, thinking it was mine, and then eventually pinkeyed my pillow. I'm not proud any of this, but I think we're all forgiven each other. Um, but we can't go anywhere.
- Pete: You can get pinkeye from farting in a pillow?
- Jonah: Totally!
- Pete: That's awesome!
- Jonah: Jesus, Martin got it bad. What, did someone take a dump on your eye?
- Martin: No. No pinkeye for me. I'm just really... high.
- Ben Stone: [watching Cheaper by the Dozen after taking mushrooms] This isn't funny. This guy's got twelve kids, that's not funny. That's a lot of responsibility to just be... laughing about. This is sick. This is a sick movie. I gotta turn this off. It's freaking me out.
- Jack: We decided that, we want you to be on camera.
- Alison Scott: Oh my god, really?
- Jill: I know, I was so surprised too.
- Debbie: [to Alison] Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?
- Debbie: Well, what'd you do last Wednesday night when you said you went to see a band?
- Pete: I went to the movies.
- Debbie: With who?
- Pete: By myself.
- Debbie: What'd you see?
- Pete: Spider-Man 3.
- Debbie: Why do you want to go by yourself? Why didn't you ask me to go?
- Pete: Because I needed to get away, you know. With work and you and the kids, sometimes I just need some time to myself.
- Debbie: I need time for myself. I want time for myself, too.
- [Debbie holds back tears]
- Debbie: You're not the only one.
- Pete: It's not that big of a deal.
- Debbie: I like Spider-Man.
- Pete: Okay, so let's see Spider-Man 3 next week.
- Debbie: I don't want to go see it now.
- Pete: Well...
- Debbie: I don't want to have to ask you to ask me. I want you to just come up with it on your own.
- Pete: What? I don't even know what to say. Uh, what do you want me to do?
- Debbie: You just think because you don't yell that you're not mean, but this is mean.
- Pete: I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. You're telling me I need to be honest. Just...
- Debbie: No, you're not. You're lying.
- Pete: I'm doing it because I need to keep my sanity a little bit.
- Debbie: You know what? I don't want you at the house anymore. Okay?
- Pete: Come on.
- Ben Stone: I'd like to be in there with Alison without you.
- Debbie: OK. I understand how you feel, but this isn't up to you.
- Ben Stone: Look, Debbie. You are high off your ass if you think you're coming into that room. If you take one step towards that door, I will tell security there's a crazy chick in a pink dress snatching up babies, ok? So don't even try to come into that room, that's my room now. That little area with the Pepsi machine, that's your area. My room, your area, stay in your area, stay out of my room, back... the... fuck... off.
- Jason: You stay here.
- Martin: Why?
- Jason: Cause your face looks like a vagina.
- Martin: Dick!
- Jonah: How's it going Crockett, been hanging with Tubbs lately?
- Martin: Come on man, I'm getting it from all angles here, I really don't like it anymore.
- Jonah: I know, me either. Was it weird when you changed your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?
- Martin: Yeah, it was really awkward.
- Jonah: All right, see you later Scorcese on coke.
- Jay: [Makes a roar like Chewbacca from Star Wars]
- Martin: What the fuck was that?
- Jay: You know, Chewbacca.
- Martin: Oh, another beard joke.
- Jay: [walks away, embarrassed] Fuck.
- Martin: Fucking hilarious!
- Alison Scott: Why don't you go fuck your fucking bong you fuck!
- Ben Stone: I will! I'll do it doggy style, too! For once!
- Pete: Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you? The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. And I can't even accept that? I don't think I can accept pure love.
- Alison Scott: I love your curly hair! It's great... do you use product or anything?
- Ben Stone: No... I use, uh, jew it's called.
- Alison Scott: I hope your apartment's big enough for the three of us.
- Ben Stone: Oh it definitely is. That's why I got one in East LA. The rent, it's HUGE. The only thing is we have to decide if we're gonna be Crips or Bloods before we get there.
- Alison Scott: Well, I look good in red.
- Ben Stone: I look good in blue... The fighting continues.
- Alison Scott: [to Debbie] What do you think? He's funny, right?
- Ben Stone: [to Debbie's kids] Fetch!
- Debbie: [to Alison] He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs.