- Dr. P: How many of you have self-help books? Okay, that's your first problem. You can't help yourself, because your *self* sucks!
- Dr. P: This is not a goddamn Tony Robbins seminar. If you're looking for "Chicken Soup for the Soul," get the hell outta here!
- Dr. P: Every once in a while, a shepherd has to pluck a sheep from the heard and challenge him. It lets the man know he's worthy of leading him.
- Roger: Well, you know what? I don't want to be a shepherd anymore!
- Dr. P: You're not the shepherd, DUMB ASS, I'm the shepherd! Its called an analogy, moron!
- Roger: Look, you dont understand. Everything was going so well between us.
- Dr. P: Well, clearly I'm sure you're just days away from adopting a Chinese kid together.
- Ian: Roger, I used to be just like you. But look at me now, I'm awesome! I run this entire place. I'm dating TWO Asian chicks!
- Dr. P: There are two kinds of men in the world: those who run shit, like me, and those who eat shit, like you.
- Lesher: [during date-training, after Walsh whistles] Keep whistling and I'll bite those lips right off your goddamn face!