- Cam Wexler: I wanna be part of someone's life not all of it.
- Joe: Have you taken a look at your bedroom lately?
- [she loves penguins and her bedroom is filled with pics and stuffed penguins]
- Joe: If you love something, sometimes you just wanna be surrounded by it.
- Cam Wexler: Shit! Shit shit SHIT... pardon my French.
- Charlie: I speak a little French and that sounded like "shit."
- Cam Wexler: Why teeth?
- Charlie: Same reason as every other dentist. Couldn't get into med school.
- Cam Wexler: That's funny!
- Charlie: My parents didn't think so.
- Cam Wexler: [about penguin behavior] When a male is sweet on a female, he searches the entire beach to find the perfect pebble to present to her. When he finally finds it, he waddles over and presents the stone by placing it at her feet. If she accepts, they'll be life-long mates.
- Charlie: It's kind of like an engagement ring.
- Goth Girl: Charlie Logan, you are not my boyfriend anymore! I hex you!
- Young Charlie: You what?
- Goth Girl: I hex you. You will never be happy! Around you love will fall like rain. You won't hold it. Your heart will pain! Once the girl has been with you, to the next she will be true!
- Young Stu: Was that Phil Collins?
- Young Charlie: Stu, run it by me again? Kissing is first base. Second base is boob. Third base is...
- Young Stu: Finger.
- Young Charlie: Finger?
- Young Stu: Or thumb.
- Charlie: Megan, I swear I know you from someplace.
- Megan Gilles: We went to high school together.
- Charlie: Megan... What's your last name?
- Megan Gilles: Gilles.
- Charlie: Gilles. I knew a Matthew Gilles. God, you do look like him. Is that your brother?
- Megan Gilles: Actually that was me before the operation.
- Charlie: I don't want to take advantage of you.
- Woman in Car: Aww. Look, don't take this so seriously. I'm not. I'm doing this on a lark. And you won't be taking advantage of me. Do you know how many loser boyfriends I have had? Do you know how many times I have given myself, body, mind, soul, hoping this was it, this was the one, only to find out he was just another asshole? Look, if there is even a chance, and I mean a .0001% chance that you're the key, that being with you could open the door to something better, well, I think I'd be taking advantage of you.
- Charlie: [after a pause] Do you want to have sex before or after dinner?
- Woman in Car: Actually I have dinner plans.
- Stu: [Charlie wants Stu to change his looks through plastic surgery] Chuck, take a look around man. I mean, I can give you tits. You want tits?
- Charlie: My entire life, I've been nothing more than a stepping-stone to every relationship I've ever been in. There's always been a next guy who's better than me. For once in my life, I want to be that next guy. I've never said this to anybody before in my whole life. Cam... I love you. I love you, Cam.
- Stu: If you were a hamburger at McDonald's, I'd name you my McBeautiful Titty Sandwich with titties on top.
- Charlie: Stu, Cam. Cam, Stu
- Stu: It's actually *Doctor* Stu. I'm a reconstructive surgeon. If anyone has an accident or was born with a deformity, I'm there to help.
- Charlie: And by "deformity" he means small breasts.
- Stu: He's just jealous because he has to clean plaque all day long while I'm out making the world a better place.
- Young Charlie: What's a blowjob?
- Young Stu: I have no idea. But I overheard my dad saying that he gets one once a year on his birthday, so it must be good.
- Dirty Talker: It's really good. Fuck me. Fuck me harder. Oh, yeah. Fuck me! Fuck me!
- Charlie: I'm fucking!
- Dirty Talker: Fuck me, you cocksucking, cum-guzzling shithead! Split my pussy in two! You motherfucking asshole!
- [awkward pause]
- Dirty Talker: Is something wrong?
- Holy Lover: Oh, God.
- Charlie: Oh, God!
- Holy Lover: Oh, God!
- Charlie: Oh, God!
- Holy Lover: Oh, Jesus Christ, almighty! God, my savior! I shall adore thee now until forever more! Oh! Amen! Would you like to pray with me now?
- Charlie: Uh... no.
- Woman in Car: [pulls out a condom from her bra] Do you want top or bottom?
- Charlie: Put that back in your secret boobie place.
- Stu: You remember Lara? Lara stepped out of heaven - and into my office to correct a "condition." She's got polymastia. Has more than two boobs. Isn't that perfect for me?
- Charlie: I've got to put the curse to the test. Where is she?
- Stu: She's beached over there next to the giant garbage bag full of doughnut holes. Eleanor Skepple. She's angry, rude, and she smells bad. In addition to back acne, she's got front acne and side acne. You see that glass of water there? She keeps her teeth in that glass.
- Charlie: So you're saying she's single.
- Stu: She's your best bet, man. You sink the soldier all you want. This chick ain't never getting married. If she was the last woman on the face of the earth, humanity would come to a screeching halt.
- Joe: [That was a quote from] Nietzsche. I roll joints in pages from philosophers' books. It's like smoking their thoughts.