Siga o Mestre

I remember watching this film years ago. It was hilarious bad then and it's still just as bad after rewatching it again. It had some good Kills! The acting was cheesy as hell. 3/10

I'm a devout Crispin Glover fan, and will always give a watch to anything he's in. From classics to genre oddities to mainstream pap, he's had a career that touches many points.... while the productions he's in might not all be winners, at least he can be counted-on for an entertaining (and often unique) performance.

Not so with SIMON SAYS. This movie is just dismal. Obviously shot on DV and starring a cast of poorly-played stereotypes, SIMON SAYS feels like a student-film... it tries hard at times, but just keeps failing. Story - non-existent Characters - generic and stiff Dialogue - embarrassing SFX - way wayyyy too much (unconvincing) CGI

I wanted to just stop the flick early and end my pain, but ultimately I was drawn to know what on earth Crispin Glover saw in this project. I mean, maybe he did it strictly for the money (and if this production *DID* ever have a budget, certainly most of it MUST have gone to his salary). I have to presume that's the only reason he signed-onto this pile of crap.

Avoid this one. It isn't fun, it isn't "so-bad-it's-good"... it's just a p!ss-poor piece of crap.

First of all I saw this movie dubbed in German and German dubs of horror movies most of the time are ridiculous. In this case it somehow fit the plot and the characters. You get you basic horror movie setting... a bunch of teenagers go out to camp in the woods (Good one: "You know a romantic place at the river? Something dark and creepy where serial killers walk around?"). After the characters are introduced... funny stoner guy, hunky football guy, horny annoying chick, naive chick and the smart chick that is supposed to save the day... they stop for fuel and meet Sicko Stanley played by Crispin Glover. Crispin plays the two brothers Stanley and Simon who are the same person after all because Stanley turns out to be schizophrenic and playing the role of his dead brother Simon (whom he obviously killed like everyone else). So when they get to the camping site the usual serial killer story unfolds. That is packed with as many clichés as the opening of the movie. Girls fall down when fleeing the killer, stoner guy walks into a freezer with corpses, hunk guy gets mixed up between two girls and Stanley walks around, killing people with his crazy pickaxe catapult, stomping dogs, stabbing people, building funny dwarfs out of corpses and having a relaxing dinner with his dead rotting parents. A lot of this stuff is absolutely ridiculous, Stanley seems to have supernatural powers when pinning people to trees with pickaxes and making a human shishkebab. Some party made me laugh and reminded me of the Freddy Krueger Horror-Fun like when stoner guy is killed with a giant spliff and then set aflame. Anyway, the acting of all involved is pretty medium and the movie is not horrifying at all, although there really is some gory stuff in there. To me it came across like an extremely clichéd horror comedy that in many scenes made no sense at all (for example the dead horse woman pointing somewhere) and was stolen from loads of movies you know anyway.

Ah finally, here's another absurdly grotesque and over-the-top cheesy gorefest-slasher that could have come straight out of the 1980's, with its demented killer, stereotype characters and downright insane story lines! Many avid fans agree Crispin Glover is a genuine hero of the horror genre, and he obviously experienced the time of his life starring in this unspeakably nasty homage to bad B-movies & backwoods exploitation horror. Me says: Simon Rocks... and so does his equally sick-in-the-head brother Stanley. Glover stars in a double role as the redneck twin brothers Simon & Stanley, terrorizing a van full of empty-headed teenagers on their camping trip in the woods. Whilst enjoying random sex and soft-drugs, drooling Simon sneaks up on the teenagers and kills them – as well as some other unfortunate bystanders –in some of the most ingenious ways you'll ever see! Simon is particularly creative with pickaxes, as he developed several wonderful traps and ambushes all over the woods that mercilessly catapult the rusty weapons in the direction of the victims. Needless to say Simon's macabre games result in a gigantic blood bath, with gory impalement, decapitations and dismemberment. Of course, there absolutely isn't any tension or plot-development and the only story twist that is worth mentioning can easily be guessed long before it's revealed on screen. Crispin Glover (unintentionally?) finds a perfect balance between creepiness and humor. Although constantly exaggerating in performing his odd roles, he somehow occasionally manages to look creepy & menacing nonetheless. Perhaps that's just because he is Crispin Glover and always has this aura of morbidity surrounding him. One moment he's an ultra-creepy maniac who makes eyeless puppets out of his victims, yet the next he's a sneering lunatic who crushes little fluffy dogs with his feet and yells out silly lines like "You forgot to say Simon Says!!". The camping teenagers are your average routine and colorless lambs to the slaughter, including the pot-head, the muscled macho, the bimbo (who's likely to get topless at some point in the movie), the girl who always complains and the one remotely intelligent & likable chick who will presumably survive the massacre. Textbook slasher-fodder, but I couldn't possibly care less because "Simon Says" is a highly welcome return to the outlandish splatter fun of the 80's. Even the whole clichéd "family reunion" sequence near the end of the film immediately reminded me off several titles on my endless list of 80's favorites. I personally guarantee "Simon Says" is the ideal midnight-movie crowd pleaser, terrific entertainment to watch with a bunch of buddies.

The pothead Zack (Greg Cipes); the sweethearts Kate (Margo Harshman) and Riff (Artie Baxter); the slut Vicky (Carrie Finklea); and the spoiled Ashley (Kelly Vitz) travel by van to the backwoods to camp. They meet two strange graveyard diggers that advise them to leave the place otherwise they could be murdered. Then they meet the deranged retarded Simon (Crispin Glover) in the gas station and Riff has a friction with the guy. They find a paradisiac spot to camp at the riverside, but Simon and Stanley transform their holiday in a nightmarish night.

"Simon Says" is another absurd and stupid slasher that follows the style of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", "Wrong Turn" and other films of this sub-genre of horror. Crispin Glover performs an annoying character that keeps saying "and you forgot to say…Simon says" (even in the end of the credits). But the most irritating in this story is the ability and invulnerability of his undestroyable character. My vote is three.

Title (Brazil): "Siga o Mestre" ("Follow the Master")