- Alex: Anyway, I was wondering if maybe I could crash here for a while.
- Dante: Whoa, I don't know, man. I got a business to run. This is like my office as well as my home. Plus, the lion comes in a couple days.
- Alex: You're getting a lion?
- Dante: Yeah.
- Alex: Why?
- Dante: To protect my shit.
- Alex: Never heard of a dog?
- Dante: Dude, you can get past a dog. Nobody fucks with a lion.
- Alex: Yeah, that's true.
- J.P.: All I've ever cared about was video games and they made me a millionaire. So maybe I don't know what the Civil War was, or who invented the helicopter even though I own one, but I did beat The Legend of Zelda before I could walk. I'm thinking about getting metal legs. It's a risky operation, but it'll be worth it.
- Mr. Cheezle: I had a dream last night. I dreamt I was a dove flying over the sea. And then I dove into the ocean... And I swam with the dolphins. I was two animals joined as one... which meant - good things are coming. Good things.
- Jeff: Crap that's Alex's intercom.
- [answers Alex's intercom and impersonates him]
- Jeff: Yello?
- Receptionist: Delivery at the front desk for you, Alex.
- Jeff: Cool! I hope it's a naked dude with a boner!
- Receptionist: What?
- Jeff: Nothing.
- Jeff: Do you have bathrooms here, or do I have to shit in a plant?
- [Alex and his friends laughing]
- Shiloh: [mimicking laugh] Stupid fucking idiot, red-shirted ass! You guys think you're so fucking cool, it makes me sick! "Let's go make fun of the vegans, and their crazy lifestyle!" We're not hurting anyone! Go eat a hamburger and choke on a cow dick!
- Grandma Lilly: [ghostly voice] Ohhh... I died on the floor... and *nobody* helped me!
- Alex: You have got to be fucking shitting me.
- Grandma Lilly: Ohh it's so cold... when you're dead...
- Alex: I swear to God, I would've helped you, Sophie. Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. I would've helped you. I just wasn't here...
- Grandma Lilly: [jumps up] Gotcha!
- Alex: Ahh! Oh my God!
- Grandma Lilly: You scaredy cat!
- Alex: What the hell are you doing, Grandma?
- Grandma Lilly: I told you we were going to have fun!
- Josh: I love them so much...
- Alex: You love who?
- Josh: The Girls at Madam Camae's Filipino Palace...
- Alex: You've been spending our rent money on Filipino hookers?
- Josh: They're not hookers, they're massage therapists.
- Mover #2: Yeah, that'll massage your cock for money.
- Mover #1: There is a word for that... I think it's hooker!
- Josh: You're a hooker!
- [movers throw their stuff down and stare at Josh]
- Alex: Whoa! Wait.
- Yuri: Alex I make you special deal, I'll give you five minutes to grab all the shit you don't want thrown out, but if you take one extra minute, my friends will take your testicles and remove them, through your anus!
- Dante: Wow... where do you get your weed?
- Mr. Cheezle: From you, Dante.
- Dante: Oh... THAT'S RIGHT! What's up, Mr. Cheezle!
- DDR Machine: [Jeff has just won a DDR Challenge] A NEW HIGH SCORE!
- Jeff: [to Bobby, the defeated co-worker] What does "high score" mean? New high score, is that bad? What does that mean? Did I break it?
- Alex: [as Alex turns around and Jeff's mom screams bloody murder] Oh, oh my god! I'm sorry! I can't stop coming, I'm sorry! It feels so good!
- Grandma Lilly: Grace you remember my grandson Alex - our new "roommate."
- Alex: [waves]
- Grace: How long you stayin'?
- Alex: Um, just until I find a new apartment.
- Grace: Have a girlfriend?
- Alex: No.
- Grace: How old are you now?
- Alex: I'll be 36 in October.
- Grace: My grandson's gay, too. I'll give you his number.
- Alex: I'm not gay, but, thank you?
- Grace: Denial.
- Alex: [Masturbating to a Tomb Raider barbie doll] Come on Lara. My cock is lost in the jungle and it's up to you to find it. Oh Lara you dirty dirty adventurer. Let's see what's under you skirt. Lara, no panties? You know I like that.
- Alex: Dude, why don't you pick up your phone? I've been calling for the past half hour!
- Dante: Sorry bro, I was putting up my Christmas tree!
- Alex: Dude? It's the middle of July.
- Dante: Get the fuck outta here! It is?
- Alex: Dude? Why are you naked?
- Dante: Ooohhh shit! I am naked! Come in.
- [turns around]
- Alex: Your ass is tanner than my face.
- Dante: It's not tan, kid, it's bronzed.
- Grandma Lilly: Oh listen, your father tells me that you need a place to stay.
- Alex: Yeah...
- Grandma Lilly: Just so you know, Sophie left us two weeks ago, so her room is available if you need it.
- Alex: Oh? Where'd Sophie move to?
- Grandma Lilly: Heaven.
- Dr. Shakalu: [Samantha drinks two shots] Someone ass getting laid tonight.
- [everyone laughs, Dr. farts]
- Alex: Doctor, we're not in the rainforest, man.
- Dr. Shakalu: [inhaling] My beef strong!
- Dante: Your beef wrong!
- Jeff: You're the reason Alex has been tired all week?
- Grace: Well, we have been sort of rough on him. But, he is kind of soft if you know what I mean.
- Grandma Lilly: We're not used to having a man in the house, so I guess we ride him pretty hard.
- Barry: Ohh, that is so gnarly.
- Alex: Hey, uh, Sophie didn't die on the bed, did she?
- Grandma Lilly: No.
- Alex: Good, good, good.
- Grandma Lilly: She fell out of bed and died right here.
- Alex: Eww!