Supermen Dönüyor

Turkish filmmakers, it seems, have little respect for copyright laws. They tend to rip off Hollywood blockbusters with no compunction, yet what results is reminiscent of what Jack Black and pals threw together in "Be Kind, Rewind."

"Supermen donuyor" (Superman Returns), filmed not long after the first Christopher Reeve epic, retells the familiar story of the Man of Steel, here played by an actor who looks like Charlie Sheen with acromegaly. Krypton, and its place in space, is represented by undisguised Christmas-tree ornaments. Clark Kent, here called Tayfun (pronounced Typhoon), tearfully parts with his adoptive parents after he finds a sea-green paperweight and, in a cave, discovers the spirit of his dad Jor-el (played by an actor dressed like Marlon Brando in "Superman: The Movie"), who informs Tayfun he is ready to fulfill his destiny as Superman, complete with the wisdom of Solomon, strength of Hercules... wait a minute, folks, you've got your Shazam in my Superman! Tayfun suddenly finds himself in the familiar Super-uniform (looking spectacularly un-buff) and takes for the sky. Oh boy, does he! I can't contain my laughter as his flight is represented by a Superman doll dangling in front of a rear projection screen.

Mild mannered Clark, er, Tayfun finds employment at what is apparently the Istanbul Daily Planet, attempting to get to first base with Lois, er, Alev, while using his X-ray vision to check out the underwear of random ladies in the hall. The while, a downright colorless villain plots to steal the "Krypton stone" (what they call Kryptonite) and use it in a machine that transforms objects into gold. Said stone, in possession of a scientist (who happens to be Lois/Alev's father), is identical to the paperweight Tayfun has.

I won't spoil it for you - this must be seen to be disbelieved.

Forget about "Sweded" films - I love 'em "Turked"!

THE BEST: How shabby it is. With an endless list of unforgettable notations: Soundtrack taken directly from the original "Superman", including the James Bond theme. Retro-projections made with the doll Ken (Barbie's boyfriend) replacing the actor; fights more false than Maya the Bee's memories, the new powers she has: Telekinesis, Zoom View, Ability to see girls in their underwear, See the past and Deconcentrate their enemies; and a long etcetera that I recommend to everyone.

THE WORST: That being a Z series movie, it is hated by many. Being so bad that it deserves its own thesis.

WHAT IS IT: Made exclusively for Turkish export because at that time in Turkey, American films were prohibited from being released; For which reason these "remakes" of budget 0 were made to be shown to the public. A real "suecada" as they already did in "Rewind please". This time the argument is as follows (extracted with the help of English subtitles): The only Survivor of a race of Supermen who live on the planet Krypton is sent to earth. There he is welcomed by an old couple who ends up calling him Tayfun. When he is an adult, his parents tell him where he really came from, and give him a green stone (a square) that leads him to a cave. The square shows... his father of him? And he tells him his real origin and what will be his destiny: to become the last of the Supermen. Curious fact, the stone that came with him is Kryptonite, and here it does not cause death, but having it next to him has no powers. After becoming Superman, a professor (it is not known how) has obtained the Kryptonite to study it. One of his group of colleagues is the Turkish Lex Luthor (who is called Ekrem here and is not bald) intends to get the stone because he has discovered that the Kryptonite material connected to a device of his invention could turn any material into gold. That's when this story begins in which our Turkish Clark Kent gets involved, and his companions; Alev (Turkish Lois Lane) and Nazi (Turkish Jimmy Olsen, and yes, he is called that in Turkish) and Ekrem's henchmen. Will they get the stone?

ONLY FOR: Those who dare to see it. Obviously not in Turkish, there are already subtitled versions. It has no waste (that's why I give it a 6/10). Plus it only lasts 67 minutes!

Several years ago there was a news story about a group of children who made a re-enactment of The Raiders of the Lost Ark. Turkey's The Return of Superman is a spiritual cousin to the "film" those kids made. This is adults playacting in front of a camera.

There is so much wrong with the Return of Superman that one feels overwhelmed. Let us start with the special effects, which could have been in a film from the nineteen tens! The flying scenes consist of a toy on strings with bad rear projection behind it. Need more? The audience is treated to the sight of an attempt to kill Superman via a cardboard guillotine. We get fight scenes where the punches clearly fall several inches from the victim's face. Finally, in the film's most mouth dropping scene, the villains get the female journalist to pull over by shooting out one of her tires. However, this is accomplished by some poor schmuck hiding in the trunk of her car who leans far enough out of the trunk to do the dastardly deed. The mind boggles at the film's sub-Ed Wood ineptitude.

The film is not helped by either the script or the cast. The plot mostly consists of people running here and there, the Lois Lane stand in getting kidnapped, and Superman rescuing her. There are no super villains for Superman to fight, so the threat is minor. What happens if the villains get a machine that turns things into gold? Who cares!

Finally, one must address the casting of an actor even worse than Henry Cavill for the role of the caped crusader. The inexpressive Tayfun Demir plays Superman as if he was just some guy in a cape. Demir's one asset is apparently that he is tall enough to fit into the suit.

If all of this sounds amusing to a reader, then he or she might get some laughs out of the film, but I didn't. Even at sixty-eight minutes The Return of Superman feels tedious. This is Manos, the Hands of Fate territory. The 1994 Fantastic Four film is better! If you groove on this type of anti-cinema, knock yourself out, but you have been warned.

Gang of thugs are after the mysterious piece of green, glowing rock known as "Krypton stone", which is the last remaining piece of Planet Krypton, and which this film tells us can turn any ordinary metal into gold when used in the correct formula. It's up to 1979 Turkish Superman (in a surprisingly well made costume) to foil their plans.

1979 Turkish Superman is technically inept, and obviously filmed on no budget, (the opening uses Christmas lights and decorations against black curtains to simulate planet Krypton and deep space, while an off-screen narrator tells us what we've missed: "gasses that mixed suddenly caused explosions and wiped it out of the Universe.") and that's a shame, because I think this film has the best story out of the trio of Superman ripoffs I've watched lately. It has a fun, Z- movie vibe to it, which elevates it, and at only 65 minutes, it's over and done with quickly, compared to the other films' 123, and 135 minutes run time. Toward the end, there is also a good showdown on a viaduct, a confrontation which results in one of the villains plunging to his death.

Tayfun Demir does fairly well as Turkish Superman, he has a good build, and handles himself well in the action scenes, intently staring at people with his cold, piercing blue/ grey eyes, before kicking massive amounts of ass. Seriously, this guy seems more like The Terminator, than Superman, and he looks a lot like B.J.Turner, from 1988's Scarecrows.

I genuinely enjoyed this one, and not in a "so bad it's good" way.

Yes, this film is so bad in so many ways it's hilarious.

I don't want to delve to the already mentioned special effect or the craptastic actors / editing / everything. Suffice it to say that this film excels in absolutely nothing and looks more of a home video filmed probably in the film makers' homes and offices with zero budget.

What interests me more was the blatant disregard for copyrights: Not just the use of Superman character, but also the soundtrack which consisted of the original Superman theme with a couple themes ripped from James Bond films. The best part (for me) was the use of Giorgio Moroder's Oscar-winning theme from "Midnight Express", a film which portrayed Turks in a bad light. Were the film makers unaware of that and they just liked the song? Funny, whatever the answer is! If copyrights were not a problem, why didn't they just show a bootleg and dub it in Turkish? Of course the original didn't have actors with Turkish amounts of mustache, but I can't really come up with other reasons.

This film also raises the questions whether it had wide release in Turkey, what did Turks think of it (then and now), and whether it was aimed for children - little kids' films can be flimsy efforts and some of the criticism would thus be moot.