Supermen Dönüyor

Several years ago there was a news story about a group of children who made a re-enactment of The Raiders of the Lost Ark. Turkey's The Return of Superman is a spiritual cousin to the "film" those kids made. This is adults playacting in front of a camera.

There is so much wrong with the Return of Superman that one feels overwhelmed. Let us start with the special effects, which could have been in a film from the nineteen tens! The flying scenes consist of a toy on strings with bad rear projection behind it. Need more? The audience is treated to the sight of an attempt to kill Superman via a cardboard guillotine. We get fight scenes where the punches clearly fall several inches from the victim's face. Finally, in the film's most mouth dropping scene, the villains get the female journalist to pull over by shooting out one of her tires. However, this is accomplished by some poor schmuck hiding in the trunk of her car who leans far enough out of the trunk to do the dastardly deed. The mind boggles at the film's sub-Ed Wood ineptitude.

The film is not helped by either the script or the cast. The plot mostly consists of people running here and there, the Lois Lane stand in getting kidnapped, and Superman rescuing her. There are no super villains for Superman to fight, so the threat is minor. What happens if the villains get a machine that turns things into gold? Who cares!

Finally, one must address the casting of an actor even worse than Henry Cavill for the role of the caped crusader. The inexpressive Tayfun Demir plays Superman as if he was just some guy in a cape. Demir's one asset is apparently that he is tall enough to fit into the suit.

If all of this sounds amusing to a reader, then he or she might get some laughs out of the film, but I didn't. Even at sixty-eight minutes The Return of Superman feels tedious. This is Manos, the Hands of Fate territory. The 1994 Fantastic Four film is better! If you groove on this type of anti-cinema, knock yourself out, but you have been warned.

Oh The Return of Superman, how can I express in words how truly wonderful and glorious thou art? This is less a film and more a glorious, timeless tale of humanity, weaving an intricate, twisting narrative with spectacular visuals. My theory is that Shakespeare has actually been reincarnated and he came down and wrote this. Many have said to me "But isn't it terrible?" I like to hit people that say this, as they don't understand the true artistry that is displayed through subtle nuances, such as the plagiarised music or it not making sense. To conclude, this is truly the greatest thing ever made by a human and it has changed my life forever.

This was, hands down, one of the most unique and indescribably special viewing experiences I ever had in my life. I was familiar with the fact that Turkish directors/producers bluntly imitated the biggest blockbusters during the 70's and 80's, but I've never actually seen one. I laughed quite hard over the sight of such titles like "Seytan: Turkish Exorcist" and "Last House in Istanbul", so I was very enthusiast when a buddy of mine told me he got hold of the one and only "Turkish Superman". You can tell right away from the opening sequences that this will become a non-stop spitfire of hysterical laughter and stomach aches, and you don't even have to be drunk or intoxicated! It begins with an allegedly mysterious voice-over whilst the camera atmospherically browses through space. The galaxy, however, exists of second-hand Christmas decoration. When we witness Superman flying for the first time, he looks like a Ken Barbie doll hanging by a thread in front drawn clouds and people waving at him from the deck of a ship. It's brilliant, truly brilliant! Clark Kent, named Tyfun in Turkish, is a tremendous dork with a spectacular pair of glasses and he walks around like there's a cloth hanger stuck in his suit. His nemesis isn't bald like Lex Luthor is, but actually looks a lot like the Turkish version of Lee Van Cleef. The most striking thing about "Turkish Superman" is how very anti- spectacular it is! Our hero hides behind trees, doesn't bother much to hide his double identity and conducts the lamest rescue operations ever. Superman stops an out-of-control truck descending a mountain road, NOT by jumping in front of it, NOT by pushing it back up a cliff and NOT by pulling the rear end like he's an anchor… Superman stops the truck by taking place behind the wheel and using the brakes. Oh, how heroic! I guess the budget didn't allow them to wreck the truck. That's also the same reason why the lead actress drives a Lada instead of a real car. The fight sequences are hilarious as well, since they look like a bunch of heavily mustached men group-hugging each other. The creators of "Turkish Superman" didn't just steal the plot of "Superman" but also the soundtrack of James Bond. The scene where Superman single-handedly prevents a train collision from happening is perhaps even the ultimate highlight of the film. According to the most rudimentary rules of physics his rescue act is just impossible, I don't care if you're a superhero or not.

Really don't know why they are "trying to" copy the originals but it was very common in Turkish cinema.

I didn't have the opportunity to watch this "SUPERMEN" but frankly I have to see it. I know for sure that it will almost look, sound and feel like crap when I watch it.

Also there is another one. The copy of "The Woman In Red" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088414/) was shot by us (Turks). In fact, I have to tell the truth, I almost liked our version better. Again it was a copy but some of the scenes and especially the attitudes of people has been made compatible with our culture. This way, it feels closer if you are a cheater or have been cheated :) (I still know that it is disrespectful to the original)

Anyhow, the "SUPERMEN" is E.T. living in Metropolis and a comic hero which anyone even shouldn't try to apply for other locations or origins. I have seen many movies (but not this one) similar to this copy and they are mostly full of dirt.

Turkish filmmakers, it seems, have little respect for copyright laws. They tend to rip off Hollywood blockbusters with no compunction, yet what results is reminiscent of what Jack Black and pals threw together in "Be Kind, Rewind."

"Supermen donuyor" (Superman Returns), filmed not long after the first Christopher Reeve epic, retells the familiar story of the Man of Steel, here played by an actor who looks like Charlie Sheen with acromegaly. Krypton, and its place in space, is represented by undisguised Christmas-tree ornaments. Clark Kent, here called Tayfun (pronounced Typhoon), tearfully parts with his adoptive parents after he finds a sea-green paperweight and, in a cave, discovers the spirit of his dad Jor-el (played by an actor dressed like Marlon Brando in "Superman: The Movie"), who informs Tayfun he is ready to fulfill his destiny as Superman, complete with the wisdom of Solomon, strength of Hercules... wait a minute, folks, you've got your Shazam in my Superman! Tayfun suddenly finds himself in the familiar Super-uniform (looking spectacularly un-buff) and takes for the sky. Oh boy, does he! I can't contain my laughter as his flight is represented by a Superman doll dangling in front of a rear projection screen.

Mild mannered Clark, er, Tayfun finds employment at what is apparently the Istanbul Daily Planet, attempting to get to first base with Lois, er, Alev, while using his X-ray vision to check out the underwear of random ladies in the hall. The while, a downright colorless villain plots to steal the "Krypton stone" (what they call Kryptonite) and use it in a machine that transforms objects into gold. Said stone, in possession of a scientist (who happens to be Lois/Alev's father), is identical to the paperweight Tayfun has.

I won't spoil it for you - this must be seen to be disbelieved.

Forget about "Sweded" films - I love 'em "Turked"!