Frankenfish: Criatura Assassina

Deep in the bayous of Louisiana, something is munching on the inhabitants of a small community of houseboats. A coroner and a biologist are sent to investigate, and discover that huge genetically engineered man-eating fish are responsible. Specially designed to be tracked by big-game hunters seeking the ultimate quarry, the fish are fast, vicious and intelligent. When the scaly terrors attack the boats and scupper the floating houses, the survivors think they are fish food; but help is at hand when the hunters arrive, armed to the teeth and hoping to bag a trophy or two...

Had the makers of Frankenfish planted their tongues much further into their cheeks and not taken proceedings quite so seriously, this movie may have been a fantastic addition to the monster genre; unfortunately, they refuse to accept the complete preposterousness of the premise and deliver an average movie when the result should have been so much more fun. It doesn't help that the fish themselves are, for the most part, badly rendered CGI. Loads of nifty gore and a few tasty babes (China Chow and K.D. Aubert provide the main eye candy for the blokes) help to compensate somewhat, but Frankenfish ultimately fails to match the genius of its wonderfully camp title.

I give this film 5 out of 10, plus a bonus point for the impressive amount of blood and guts on display.

To my surprise, this actually turned out to be a rather amusing B-Movie. The characters, handsome cop, brainy female scientist, unpleasant young lawyer, taciturn Vietnam vet (how many Vietnam vets in the movies are ever eloquent conversationalists?) and superstitious Voodoo lady are so much cut-out cardboard, but the actors make the best with what they have to work with. Even the fish look like they are enjoying themselves.

There is the odd witty line, some great low-key action sequences and the Frankenfish themselves are great - chewing up most of the cast with great gusto and not without some excellent black humour.

There are some genuine surprises and a couple of unexpected deaths amid the usual B-Movie clichés. There's plenty of gore and plenty of fun. Not a bad way to spend an idle hour or so.

Something big and nasty is hanging out in the Bayou, so baaad it can bite a gator to pieces. Could it possibly be a scientific experiment gone awry? Might it possibly threaten a group of people trapped in the middle of nowhere? Is it conceivable that the above group would be offed one by one? In various bloody circumstances? Would you believe the hero and his babe will somehow survive? Is there any way a rich evil middle-aged white male might be responsible? Is there anything in this movie you haven't seen before? the fish are pretty well done, but too high a body count (and too much foul language) for me. Think of Deep Rising with a smaller budget. If you like that sort of thing--enjoy.

A man gets eaten in the swamps, so the government sends in a cop and a medical examiner. They find a group of people with eclectic qualities, and one of the meanest and biggest fish ever to try and eat a human being. (This review should have a "Jaws" reference, but it won't... I'm not even going to write "they're going to need a bigger boat".)

Despite this film being incredibly cheesy (and this cheesiness leading to my lower rating), it was also really fun in the sense of a 1950s b-movie where things always had to be bigger. Backwoods swamp people are fun, as are hippie Rastafarians. And then we have Chinese mafia people working for a big game hunter who have women at his beck and call. It's really silly if you think about it (so just don't).

Some great effects are in this movie, as well as some really awful ones. The bad ones pretty much revolve around the CGI of the fish... although I still appreciate blood and guts in any form. The best effect for me was a shotgun blast scene (I won't say who gets it) that literally made me jump from my love seat and cheer. Yeah, maybe I'm deranged. You'd be deranged, too, if your idea of a good time was staying up all night watching "Frankenfish" and "The XXXorcist".

I also wanted to say that this film stood out in my mind as a film with a strong black lead. Aside from Ken Foree and maybe Tony Todd, horror has a long history of marginalizing black characters and often kills them off as soon as possible. But this film places a black man as the hero, without using his "blackness" as any kind of joke. (It's actually sad I feel the need to point such things as this out, but horror films are one of the last genres to enter the modern world.)

Anyway, you're going to find cheesy effects and cheesy acting if you watch this movie. The plot is also strange (the connection between the mafia and the fish is really strained). But I honestly liked it, so maybe this will appeal to you if you like those sorts of films... think "Eight-Legged Freaks", but without David Arquette.

It's the name that does it. Not only does it fail to make sense in context, it just plain doesn't work. If they really wanted to go with some kind of Franken-animal they could have at least picked something that started with 'st', like... a stoat. Frankenstoat. Studios, are you listening?

Anyway. Against all odds Frankenfish is actually no worse a giant mutant creature romp than, say, Anaconda - I'd even go so far as to say it could have made a passable cinema release. Everything (with the standard exception of logic) is handled competently, from the acting to the effects, and the tiny bayou community setting of the whole thing actually feels quite novel. It's not even entirely predictable, I guarantee you won't see at least one of the deaths coming...

It's also a fine film for playing Name The Actor They *Really* Wanted. Robert Downey Jr. and Michael Wincott are lock-ins, while Anaconda veteran Jon Voight would have been a fine choice to play the hunter (who is, as it turns out, the most rubbish hunter in the world). Come to think of it, if they'd asked Jon Voight he'd probably have said yes - he usually does.

Overall, it's a surprisingly not-awful piece of work, which still manages to be entertaining despite its not-awfulness. I wouldn't say I'd recommend it, exactly, but you could do worse. Sci-Fighter, for instance. Now THAT's genuinely awful film-making (and as such comes highly recommended).