The Real Cancun

I don't think there has been another movie in history that has been released and forgotten about as quickly as THE REAL CANCUN. I myself had completely forgotten about it until recently. Shot and released between March and April 2003, THE REAL CANCUN was an attempt by reality TV producers Mary Ellis Bunim and Jonathan Murray to bring their successful "Real World" formula to big screen. Luckily, they failed. The Real Cancun was completely avoided, making only $5 million worldwide despite being billed as the first "realiy" movie. Exploitave, disgusting, and idiotic beyond belief, it remains the worst production ever put out by a major studio. I'd say New Line Cinema should be ashamed of themselves, but seeing as they've done their best to bury it, it seems they've learned their lesson. The only reason anyone should check out THE REAL CANCUN is to see what Laura Ramsey was like before becoming a mainstream Hollywood actress. As of this writing, there has yet to be another "reality" movie. 0/10

This movie (and I use the term loosely) is utterly pointless. Instead of an entertaining romp, the filmmakers have given us the longest parental advisory of all time. I am sure the families of these kids are pretty darn embarrassed (especially the parents of the twins Brittany and Roxanne ... I wouldn't be surprised if their folks took them out of college and forced them into a convent.) The situations are contrived and don't even seem real (guy comes to spring break in his glasses and never having touched alcohol and does one shot, and blammy! He's a man for the ages.) There is a young women named Sky who is very dull and only gives long "what are you talking about?" looks while we endure the most boring flirtation of all time. There are the cookie-cutter blonde girls whom you can't even tell apart who only seem interested in sex and wear cheap eye shadow (and one of them actually says, "I thought you were different.") The guys are supposed to be studly, but are just wretched (one of them clearly tweezes and shapes his eyebrows) and don't get me started on the guy who is an aspiring model; he comes across as one of the most disgusting of them all. Instead of being light-hearted, this is a depressing movie to be avoided at all costs.

The Real Cancun was a sorry excuse for filmmaking, if not on mankind. Sixteen privileged kids go out and have fun drinking and basically being idiots for an hour and half, fused together with rock songs and pointless, shallow banter. Fortunately, the negative backlash for this garbage is intriguing, considering the lust most Americans have for reality bull such as this. But then again, this movie was just boring, and idiocy of the people involved just wanted to make me toss my drink at the screen. Hopefully, this whole reality TV faze I looked back upon with distaste, and we can thank The Real Cancun for starting that much needed downward spiral.

...and in a blatant way can be seen for viewers across the world as a comparison to the Roman Empire. In fact, I could see an interesting comparison between The Real Cancun and Fellini's Satyricon, since both works deal with the constant, superfluous binging and purging of sex and partying. But of course, Real Cancun can not hold a candle; make that a lighter, to Satyricon in terms of movie-making.

The Real Cancun is a spin-off of the Real World, which in and of itself is an oxymoron of an idea for a show since the players audition to be ON the Real World and then the seasons that have since gone on in the 90's show how they don't work, sit around there houses all day, get assignments from staff people, party, or go and team up with the cast of Road Rules. Now, however, the producers have decided to turn the show into a movie, in which they find more desperate and privileged 18-24 year olds who want to have fun during spring break in Mexico's Cancun.

The docu-movie could (or now I should say could've) work as a full-on documentary, yet it doesn't seem there is anything real when dealing with HIRED people who feel they need to heighten there expressions, mannerisms, and dialogue when on camera. There is very possibly not one minute of footage where a character is caught off guard while the camera is on him and her (this excludes the quick scenes of a hidden camera in the rooms as couples have rapid-fire sexual encounters), and thus it comes off as mostly dribble for people in there age group, such as myself, to laugh at.

The people are real, to be certain, and that's the film's, as well as the show's, crutch - whenever a director tells real people to act as themselves, which is never the case when dealing with the intellect of these caricatures - when a group of staff personnel host parties and out of nowhere Snoop Dogg shows up it shows as a quasi-reality, interesting, perhaps, but certainly not something that can easily be identified with. At least in Jackass: the Movie, there was a sense of jubilant, if constantly crude, humor to the proceedings of the reality of the situation (i.e. a mother finding an alligator right in here kitchen). That there are so many booze, sex, and gossip actors going through the same motions scene after scene (should I have another body shot? Should I go out in the ocean drunk? Should I go the next step with this girl? Etc.) makes it very tough to handle after a while.

I know there is, and will be evidently, an audience for this picture; lord knows that's how the show has been running ad nauseum for the past 10+ years- but make no mistake, this is NOT for a wide range of audiences. Coincidentally, similar to a Fellini movie (except that any one Fellini scene works with a much higher intellect than this entire movie does)...I can personally say, as someone who considers himself a fairly sociable and fun-loving guy, that if I was around these people for longer than a day or night I'd have an aneurism (unless I was drunk enough, of course) ....so, as a view of my generation, objectively, I actually give it a B+. However, as a film in and of itself, it's a stinking F+ (a + for the moment with the jellyfish).

Go to the Zoo instead and watch monkeys for 90 minutes. Much more entertaining, more intelligent interactions, a lot more fun! John Lennon and Yoko Ono once made this short film about a house fly wandering around on naked bodies... an Oscar contender compared to this schmutz. Unbelievable what someone somewhere (guzzling himself into some alcohol-poisoning stupor)thought would make a cool flick. Freedom of expression not withstanding, this should be found unlawful, crimes against humanity or something of that nature, and the maker of this indescribable crap should be forced to watch his own movie until death has mercy on him. I hope that all participants will be recognized and properly laughed at for a long long time just for willingly being caught on film in what must be the darkest hour of their existence so far. If you're about to see this flick, run, don't walk, as fast as you can, away from this manifestation of terminal boredom.