Carlita's Secret

It might interest you to know that we're privy to the filmmakers who created this piece:

First of all their composer--if you can call him that--wrote the music under the influence of drugs, so that's why you hear the same loop--which is what the producers wanted to use. What do you expect of penny-pinching white trash from Miami? These jokers get into the business to make a buck on you using canned stories and cheap sweatshop labor. They don't care about the quality at all--it's all about the bottom line.

We happen to know from some LA sources that the reason this movie was botched from the beginning is 1) they had no money to pay professionals properly, 2) the had no idea how to make a movie in post. The director was hampered from the beginning by scenes that had to be cut because execs at the company were flying around the country taking 5-martini lunches.

Secondly, the director shot only 60 pages of a 90 page script, but the producers wanted to the project to exceed 90 minutes. It came up short at 71 minutes--so the editors had to find all kinds of doubled up shots from other noble films like Miami Tail and Race Exploitation Whatnot to extend this wondrous vehicle for Eva Longoria.

Don't get me wrong. I love independent films. But that is not what this was.

This was a travesty of film-making. The director must have quit halfway through the film.

Here's my biggest beef with this "movie". THE MUSIC. Did the producers owe a debt to some local rappers because the soundtrack is so bad that it's actually funny. Whether the scene is sad or serious or funny, it's the same horrible rap music.

The plot is ridiculous, the set design was non-existent, the dialogue was enough to put a baby to sleep. They literally walked out of jail with not so much as a chase scene. Horrible.

If Eva Longoria wasn't in this monstrosity and my curiosity to see her wasn't prickled, they would give copies of this away at the local shooting range for target practice.

Horrible. I gave it a two only because of Eva.

Why Why did I watch this movie? Well, during the past weekend I was hanging out at my friends house and he wanted to watch this movie because of the lead actress. I wasn't excited to see it, nor was anyone, but we had nothing better to do.

How bad is it?

Sound - 0/10 It's pretty bad. The sound volumes are very annoying and there is a constant barrage of wind in the background. The music overpowers the dialog in almost every scene. Plus the gun shots sound like popping plastic bags.

Music - 0/10 Very lame background music. Sounds sort of like cheap porno music, yet there's no naked girls. Plus there's this one rap song that repeats the word "mutha-f-cka" that plays in almost every scene. Durring one instance, it was on a loop for 12 minutes.

Girls - 4/10 It didn't really do anything for me, nothing to rave about.

Action - 3/10 I'll give it 3 more action points than it deserves. The gun scenes in this movie are hilarious...

Comedy - 6/10 It's a very funny movie because of how bad it is. I love the bar line where the cop goes up to a girl and says "Hey sweetie, can I buy you an orgasm" and then he lays his hand on another girls butt cheek... Classic.

Overall - 1/10 Please don't see this movie. Life is too short to waste.

The only positive thing i can say about this movie is that eva longoria is easy on the eyes. I hate to judge without viewing in entirely, but it was very difficult to watch. Scenes were predictable, and acting was bad. Looked like something my college buddies and i filmed on spring break.

Usually when you see a video / DVD cover with a picture of a well-known star but a title that you don't recognize, it's a movie made early in their careers before they got famous which gets re-released to capitalize on their current fame, even if sometimes they only play a small part in it. Well, at least in the case of "Carlita's Secret" the cover doesn't lie: Eva Longoria IS the main star of this movie. The script (co-written by three people who have barely worked on anything else) is a complete mess (lamest part: after being witness to a club shootout at a club that results in a cop's death, Carlita (Longoria) changes her name and after a few years no one recognizes her, despite the facts that she looks EXACTLY the same, and she even works as a dancer at the same club!), most of the male characters can barely complete a sentence without the word "f**k" in one of its variations, and what little action there is is amateurish at best, but the film does tick off many of the right Eva Longoria boxes: she dances seductively, she kisses another woman, she wears a bikini, she fires a gun, etc. Plus, her co-star Alejandra Gutierrez (a Playboy Playmate) is a total knockout as well. So not all is lost. ** out of 4.