- Lance: Why are you dicking with me, you little dick. You wanna play, dick face?"
- Kelly Ernswiler: Wait, you just used "dick" as a noun, adjective, and a verb.
- [after Kelly speaks out in class]
- Principal Holmstead: Kelly we have to stop meeting like this.
- Kelly Ernswiler: I mean, it's not my fault the teachers here suck.
- Principal Holmstead: How am I going to get through to you?
- Kelly Ernswiler: Well, advertising executives use status and sex to appeal to my demographic.
- Kelly Ernswiler: So you invited me to your wedding?
- Tabby: [crying] There isn't going to be a wedding. Minor kissed this woman he works with.
- Kelly Ernswiler: Honestly, I didn't think you two were right for each other. Like that painting. When you walk in you know exactly what it is, but when you look at it closely...
- Tabby: I don't need your bullshit right now.
- Kelly Ernswiler: I'm just trying to understand you, Tabby.
- Tabby: I'm not as complicated as you think.
- Kelly Ernswiler: I didn't say you were complicated.
- [Tabby starts to cry, and Kelly goes to sit next to her]
- Kelly Ernswiler: Don't cry. Please, don't cry.
- Tabby: [laughing] You like me, don't you?
- Kelly Ernswiler: Of course.
- Tabby: No, like, you really like me.
- Kelly Ernswiler: I think you're amazing.
- [first lines]
- Maurice: [in German] I have to take a leak.
- Kelly Ernswiler: [holding a knife to his neck from behind] Ssh.
- Kelly Ernswiler: War is hell.
- Sarah: Oh, well then, why do you do it?
- Kelly Ernswiler: You're never more alive than when faced with simulated death.
- Principal Holmstead: I know that some of the teachers around here can be pretty trying for you sometimes. But you've got to learn to work in the system, not against it.
- Kelly Ernswiler: Why is that?
- Principal Holmstead: Because growing up is a hard enough process as it is.
- Kelly Ernswiler: Is that what your box of tissues is for?
- Kelly Ernswiler: You know, a funny thing just happened to me. I thought you were dead on the couch.
- Abe: Oh, you mean Emmet. Well, they didn't have any empty beds at Care House.
- Kelly Ernswiler: Emmet.
- Abe: Uh huh.
- Kelly Ernswiler: So you bring him to our house? Why don't you ever think about maybe he might be dangerous to me and mom? Or steal all of our furniture.
- Abe: He needed a place to sleep tonight.
- Kelly Ernswiler: Well, having him here makes it feel more like home anyway.
- Abe: Hey, I've been straight for five years, almost six. That's a thid of your life.
- Kelly Ernswiler: Big deal. I've been straight the whole time.
- [walks away]
- Miner Weber: You still in high school?
- Kelly Ernswiler: Yeah, I am. But I also moonlight as a stock boy over at the Shop Ease. And President Dawn Cominsky says every employee's part owner, so I guess you could say I'm a captain of industry - in training. Sort of, um, a "capitalist larvae".
- Miner Weber: Wow, that's quite an image.
- Kelly Ernswiler: Only if you see the most magical part. You see it?
- Miner Weber: No, what is it?
- Kelly Ernswiler: One day I'm going to be a beautiful butterfly, right? But first I have to be a pupa. And pupas don't really go out that much, so I don't think I'm going to be going out that much. Pupa, the awkward adolescence of the insect world.
- Eve: When are you going to forgive him?
- Kelly Ernswiler: When am I going to forgive him? That's quite a question, mom. When am I going to forgive him, hmm. I don't know, maybe, maybe when I forget all the lyrics to Little Mermaid sound track that he'd play me every time so he could go score. Maybe when we don't live in a house that's always for sale. I don't know - you know, I'll forgive him when I go to college. That's when I'll forgive him. I can't go, can I? 'Cause he took all the money out of my college fund, and bought Mexican black tar with it. And you're asking me to forgive this guy. No way.