Celebrity Boxing

Yes, FOX is up to no good again. If you thought the one-off reality 'events', "WHO WANTS TO MARRY A MILLIONAIRE", "BOOT CAMP" and "LOVE CRUISE: THE MAIDEN VOYAGE" weren't trashy enough - wait till you see "CELEBRITY BOXING"!

A 'ratings extravaganza', six washed-up former celebrities are united to headline this sporting farce where they will couple off in pairs of three to box for cash. I kid you not. Former Patridge Boy, Danny Bonaduce battles it out with former Brady Boy, Barry Williams for title of 'Best career move for former child star of a 60's sitcom'. Bonaduce deals a few good blows and mops up the ring with Williams, claiming the title after three two minute rounds.

Next up is former "Diff'rent Strokes" idol, Todd Bridges who is up against Vanilla Ice, or Robert Van Winkle to be exact. One might expect the former 'Ice Ice Baby' star to take home the trophy in this round, but it is in fact Bridges who sends the MC Hammer wannabe packing.

Last but not least are media pariahs Paula Jones and Tonya Harding. What good would a celebrity boxing match be without a good cat-fight between two strapped-for-cash ladies? Harding plants a few shiners on Jones and halfway throughout the second round, Jones quits and Harding takes home the championship and title for 'Most embarrassing stunt pulled by a former Olympian for this week's rent check'.

Unfortunately, "CELEBRITY BOXING" does not end here. It is graciously followed by "CELEBRITY BOXING 2" in which we get to see not THREE couples, but FOUR battle it out to the death - Dustin Diamond, Olga Korbut, Dava Conger and Ron Palillo to name a few. I can't *WAIT*! Not.

I don't know exactly who deserved to take home the crown for winning their match, but FOX definitely deserves the award for 'Network to count on for producing trashy celebrity reality shows'! Well done!

Actually, this turned out to be better than I thought it would have been. First, we get the battle of the Seventies' Sitcom stars: Danny Bonaduce ("Danny" from "The Partridge Family") vs. Barry Williams ("Greg" (a.k.a.: "Johnny Bravo") from "The Brady Bunch"). I have two words for Williams if he should decide to do another one of these things: "Gym time"! Within the first ten seconds of the match, Bonaduce sent Williams to the mat. The match on a whole reminded me of the first fight between Joe Frazier and George Foreman. It apparently reminded announcer Ray "Boom Boom" Mancini of that fight, too, as he did a riff on Howard Cosell's famous line "Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier!". Williams went down the same number of times as Frazier: six (four in the first round; two in the second), before the ref stopped the match because it was clear that Williams was REALLY hurt after the last knockdown. Next was Todd Bridges of "Diff'rent Strokes" fame vs. Robby "Vanilla Ice" Van Winkle. I had hoped like crazy that Bridges would have knocked Van Winkle out in the first round, but we had to settle for a three-round unamimous decision as Todd showed that he truly DID have some boxing skills. Perhaps he made the wrong choice in his childhood. He sent Van Winkle to the canvas three times within the match and just battered him around the ring enroute to victory. That'll teach Van Winkle to sample great songs by the likes of Queen, David Bowie and the Rolling Stones.

The "main event" was disgraced figure skater Tonya Harding vs. Clinton accuser Paula Jones. I found it odd that, while they revealed their ages, neither woman disclosed her weight. Considering that Harding videotaped her honeymoon (although I don't think it was her idea to sell it, blame THAT on ex-husband Jeff Gilooly) and Jones posed nude in "Penthouse", I find it odd that their weight is the one secret they wish to keep. The match was originally to have been Harding vs. "Long Island Lolita" Amy Fisher, but Fisher's parole officer put the kibosh on the deal. Jones was thrown in as a last minute substitute. In the first round, Jones surprised Harding and everyone else when she connected on Harding with a good jab to the nose that snapped the skater's head back. After that, however, it was all Harding as she kept connecting on Jones, who kept running and hiding behind the referee (it reminded me of Charlie Chaplin's boxing match in CITY LIGHTS). Jones lasted until the beginning of the third round, when she finally surrendered. Harding, though, got in one last shot after Jones' quitting (to be fair, Sugar Ray Leonard did the same thing to Roberto Duran in their rematch in 1981, the famous "No Mas" fight). Maybe we'll see a match between Bonaduce and Bridges? Looks interesting.

I watched this. It was like watching a train wreck. Absolutely horrific, but I could not tear my eyes away. I felt like I was literally watching the last lingering shred of Fox's dignity and integrity being destroyed. I can't believe they're actually doing Celebrity Boxing II. This was not only degrading and stupid, but it was completely boring. There were like 10 punches thrown the entire 30 minutes. Complete waste of my time.