- Mark Tobias: The one time my father shows up to Cub Scouts and I earn a merit badge in covert evasion techniques.
- Mark Tobias: [walks in the men's restroom while Steve and Angela are sitting up the man Steve beat up] Oh, an unconscious person. You must be working.
- Jerry Peyser: I'm sorry I called you the worst father in the world. I'm sure there's at least two or three guys who are worse.
- Steve Tobias: Thank you, Jer.
- Jerry Peyser: Six people on a beach! I could have saved a fortune.
- Steve Tobias: Jer, they're gonna be fine. In fact, the whole family's gonna be just fine.
- Steve Tobias: Doctor, do you know what a roofie is?
- Jerry Peyser: Yeah I know what a roofie is, frat boys give them to girls at parties.
- [Steve nods]
- Jerry Peyser: Oh no. Oh don't rape me.
- [passes out]
- Jerry Peyser: I would contract what they call wet bone.
- Jean-Pierre Thibodoux: I'm curious to know more about wet bone.
- Jerry Peyser: I got what they call wet bone.
- Jean-Pierre Thibodoux: I'm curious to know more about wet bone.
- Jean-Pierre Thibodoux: People think we are crazy. But they don't know the joy of holding a man's beating heart in the palm of your hand.
- Jerry Peyser: Aww, that's a good feeling.
- Jean-Pierre Thibodoux: But there are certain things I can only do with a man, no?
- Jerry Peyser: Like golf?
- Jean-Pierre Thibodoux: No! I am not gay!
- Melissa Peyser: You guys, my dad wouldn't buy a Russian submarine... I mean, he wouldn't even buy a foreign car!
- Steve Tobias: [after large snake is served at ethnic restaurant] Uh, Jerry, you alright? You haven't even touched your food!
- Jerry Peyser: My food is still eating.
- [last lines]
- [as Jean-Pierre is being taken away by the police, he waves at Jerry]
- Jean-Pierre Thibodoux: Call me!
- Jerry Peyser: You know something? He might actually like prison.
- Steve Tobias: Like it? He's gonna LOVE it!