They Crawl

The only way I got through this movie was by watching it with my brothers, continuously adding our own humorous commentary over the dialog. There are so many "also-ran" actors in this film it began to resemble a Burgess Meredith re-union party. Oh, and what is the deal with Mickey Rourke? He appears in one scene, and leaves the viewer aghast at his silly antics. I mean, was there a point to him knocking that door off it's hinges? Surely it's a bad sign for a film when the producers rely on Mr.Rourke for his "star power" to pull in the crowds. One can only ponder what next for Mickey, perhaps a starring role in Ishtar II? About the only redeeming feature of this film, were the sporadic CG cockroach attacks, and even they left much to be desired. Avoid this film unless you enjoy boredom, or simply need evidence of how far Mickey Rourke has sunk. 4/10

With Mickey Rourke listed as one of the stars, I expected some straight to video drivel or a bad Sci-Fi original movie. Surprisingly, it was pretty cool save for (you guessed it)Mickey Rourke. His involvement is one of only two complaints I had about the movie (the other was the reuse of stunt footage from other movies i.e., Rush Hour and Red Heat). Credible special effects (particularly the end) and strong characters (especially the female lead) made this an enjoyable surprise.

Not a bad movie all in all. It plays out as a murder mystery with a secretive sci-fi experiment back story. The acting is good, the plot keeps you guessing what's coming next, the special effects are above average. It's entertaining for a lower budget film. The ending is a little difficult to suspend your disbelief, but that's a only a small complaint.

The only reason I rented this movie from Netflix was because a very good friend of mine worked on it. Even he said it was awful, and that he only took the job to keep his bills paid.

But my god, what a piece of absolute rubbish! Aside from the pitiful performances, a plot that made little sense, the cheapest CGI since the Atari 2400, a script with no punch, and a directorial style that lacks .. well, direction .. it's not a bad film.

How, exactly, did "Lazarus" command the cockroaches? What exactly was the point of Mickey Rourke's character? We know why Mickey Rourke was hired, he was the celebrity "draw" that's supposed to make us viewers say "Wow, it must be a great movie if it has Mickey Rourke!" And when all the cockroaches group together to become one giant cockroach .. well, yeah .. Lame.

One positive note; the actor who played Lazarus was actually a pretty good actor. Sure, he had a stupid role and ridiculous lines, but he actually pulled the part off pretty well. He reminded me a little bit of a Benicio del Toro.

If you're thinking of renting this movie, do yourself a favor and just stick an ice pick in your eye.

Another hokey Sci-Fi channel offering, this time the monsters on the loose are smart cockroaches that swarm around a lot. The cucarachas croak a bus driver who likes to smash his bus through office building lobbies, then somebody gets killed in a bombing. You guessed it: a government conspiracy is behind it all.

Our heroes include a Jordache Jeans commercial guy (brother of the bombing victim), and a lady cop who shoots anything she sees: roach swarms, boxes, trucks, cars, buildings, into mid-air, and occasionally even a bad guy. When Officer Ripley runs out of ammunition with one weapon, she grabs another gun and resumes firing. As for Jordache, he just sticks his nose everywhere, while bodies pile up. The cop captain is the usual skeptic who does nothing, and the head honcho nasty guy is a comical stereotype, who snarls when he talks. They even had the nerve to use the ridiculous "bad guy pauses to explain the evil plot to the good guys before shooting them" routine. The obvious poetic justice is served, of course.

But stay tuned for the grand finale. The debut of one of the most hilariously inept monster creatures ever spawned still awaits you. He was about as intimidating as a Teletubby, and the final scene had me laughing until I could hardly breathe.

A hilariously stupid movie.