- Elvis: Get old, you can't even cuss someone and have it bother 'em. Everything you do is either worthless or sadly amusing.
- JFK: [picks up red telephone] Hello?
- Elvis: Mr. Kennedy? Ask not what your rest home can do for you. Ask what you can do for your rest home.
- JFK: Hey, you're copying my best lines!
- Elvis: Then let me paraphrase one of my own. Let's take care of business.
- JFK: Just what are you getting at, Elvis?
- Elvis: I think you know what I'm gettin' at, Mr. President. We're gonna kill us a mummy.
- Elvis: [looking up Callie's skirt] The revealing of her panties wasn't intentional or unintentional, she just didn't give a damn. She saw me as so physically and sexually non-threatenin', she didn't mind if I got bird's eye view of her love nest. It was the same to her as a house cat sneakin' a peek. I felt my pecker flutter once, like a pigeon havin' a heart attack, then lay back down and remain limp and still. Of course, these days even a flutter was kinda reassurin'.
- Elvis: Here I was complainin' about loss of pride and how life had treated me, and now I realized... I never had any pride. And much of how life had treated me had been good. The bulk of the bad was my own damn fault. Should've fired Colonel Parker by the time I got in the pictures. Old fart had been a shark and a fool, and I was even a bigger fool for following him. If only I'd treated Priscilla right. If I could've told my daughter I loved her. Always the questions. Never the answers. Always the hopes... never the fulfillments.
- Elvis: I was dreamin'. Dreamin' my dick was out and I was checkin' to see if that infected bump on the head of it had filled with pus again. If it had, I was gonna name it after my ex-wife 'cilla and bust it by jackin' off. Or I'd like to think that's what I'd do. Dreams let you think like that. Truth was
- [pause]
- Elvis: I hadn't had a hard-on in years.
- Elvis: But I still have my soul. It's still mine. All mine. And the folks up there at Shady Rest... they have theirs, too. And they're gonna keep 'em. Every single one.
- Elvis: You fuck off ya patronizin bitch! I'm sick'a yer shit! I'll lube my own crankshaft from now on. You treat me like a baby again I'll wrap this goddamn walker right around yer head!
- Elvis: In the movies, I always played the heroic types. But when the stage lights went out, it was time for drugs, and stupidity, and the coveting of women. Now it's time. Time to be a little of what I had always fantasized of bein' - a hero.
- Elvis: The revealing of her panties wasn't intentional or unintentional. She just didn't give a damn. She saw me as so physically and sexually non-threatening, she didn't mind if I get a bird's eye view of her love nest. It was same to her as a house cat sneaking a peek.
- JFK: That's where they took a piece of my brain. They got it back in D.C. in that God damn jar.
- [pause]
- JFK: I got a little bag of sand up there now.
- Elvis: But Jack uhh, no offense but
- [pause]
- Elvis: President Kennedy was a white man.
- JFK: That's how clever they are. They dyed me this color, all over. can you think of a better way to hide the truth than that?
- [Elvis begins reading an incantation against an unconscious Bubba Ho-Tep from JFK's "Book of Souls"]
- Elvis: "You nasty thing from beyond the dead, no matter what you think or do, good things will never come to you. And if evil is your black design, you can bet the goodness of the Light Ones... "
- [begins to slow the recitation from disbelief]
- Elvis: "... will kick your bad behind"?
- [muttering to himself]
- Elvis: For chrissake!
- [to the heavens]
- Elvis: That's it? That's the chant against evil from the "Book of Souls"? Oh yeah, right, boss. And what kind of decoder ring comes with that, man? Shit, it don't even rhyme well!
- Bubba Ho-Tep: [regains consciousness, rises, and speaks in ancient Egyptian] Eat the dog dick of Anubis, you ass-wipe!
- Elvis: [Sitting down on the wheelchair] It's dog shit!
- Elvis: Where'd my youth go? Why didn't fame hold off old age and death? Why the hell did I leave the fame in the first place and do I want it back, and could I have it back? And if I could, would it make any damned difference?
- Elvis: That's it? I mean, we're investigating a scuttling in the hall, trying to figure out who attacked you last night, and you bring me here to look at stick pictures on the shit house wall, man?
- Elvis: So I signed everything over to Sebastian. Except for enough money to sustain me if things got bad. I was determined to make myself a new life. A better one. But me and Sebastian, we had us a deal. If I wanted to trade back, he'd let me. It was all written up in the contract. Thing was, I lost my copy in a barbeque accident.
- Elvis: What do I really have left in life but this place? It ain't much of a home, but it's all I got. Well, goddamnit. I'll be damned if I let some foreign, graffiti writin', soul suckin', son of a bitch in an oversized cowboy hat and boots take my friend's souls and shit 'em down the visitors toilet!
- Elvis: Look, man, do I look like an ichthyologist to you? Big damn bugs, all right? The size of my fist. The size of a peanut butter and banana sandwich. What do I know? I got a growth on my pecker!
- [after Elvis tells the story of how he switched with Sebastian]
- The Nurse: Don't carry it too far. You may just get way out there and not come back.
- Elvis: Oh, fuck you!
- [Nurse and Callie laugh]
- Elvis: Shit! Get old, you can't even cuss someone and have it bother 'em. Everything you do is either worthless or sadly amusing.
- Elvis: My God, man. How long have I been here? Am I really awake, or am I just dreamin' I'm awake? How could my plans have gone so wrong?
- Elvis: My own daughter... lost long ago to me... if she knew I lived, would she come and see me? Would she even care?
- Callie: But why would you want to leave all that fame, Mr. Presley? All that money?
- Elvis: I don't know. 'Cause they got old. The woman I loved - Priscilla - she was gone. The rest of the women... were just women. I mean the music wasn't even mine anymore. I wasn't even me anymore. Just this thing they made up. And my friends... well they were sucking me dry.
- Elvis: Shit, Bubba Ho-tep comes out of that creek bed, he's going to come out hungry and pissed. When I try to stop him he's going to shove this paint can up my ass and he's going to shove me and that wheelchair up Jack's ass.
- Elvis: Kemosabe was dead of a ruptured heart before he hit the floor. Gone down and out with both guns blazing. Soul intact.