Crypt of Dark Secrets

This is an ultra-rare outing from New Orleans filmmaker Jack Weis, who's later work included the more widely received MARDI GRAS MASSACRE. Whereas MASSACRE took place in New Orleans the city, this film takes place in the bayous beyond.

The plot concerns a drab war veteran who seeks isolation in the swamps of Louisiana. However, when three robbers find out that he has a stash of money from his army days, they seek to rob him, only to kill him in the process. Ted, the war veteran, is not dead, however, and is revived by a snake woman named Damballa, who is constantly naked, and has yellow eyes. Together Damballa and Ted seek revenge on those who've wronged him.

This is easily one of the best movies I've ever seen. Weis was the king of demented cinema long before there was a David Lynch or Cronenberg, or Wes Craven. His depiction of Louisiana is one of a foggy, mystic, shrouded place where anything can happen, and does. And, although MASSACRE was a bit more exciting, CRYPT's scripting and FX soar above the film that followed it.The FX are impressive, and dated. The acting is as bad as it gets. And the style of the movie is pure Midnight Movie material, from one of the most underrated and unappreciated directors of our time (right up there with H.G. Lewis and Fredrick Hobbs).

Though known for many years as an alternate title for MASSACRE, CRYPT is its own movie entirely and is being distributed through Something Weird Video since 1998.

A Vietnam vet gets shot and is revived by an Aztec swamp witch (Maureen Ridley) who then... I'll stop here because the only thing that matters is Maureen Ridley as the witch. She levitates, gyrates and discombobulates in complete and utter nudity. She occasionally turns into a snake, and sometimes her amazing eyes glow via a shaky matte. She is a real beauty, with no apparent plastic surgery marring her natural, lithe hotness. She looks like Julie Christie, but prettier...and nuder. The dripping swamp locale, and the short running time (71minutes) are nice pluses, but in all honesty, I ended up fast forwarding to the scenes of Maureen Ridley dancing. If this film had been more widely seen, this swamp witch would have gone on to some kind of career. As it is, this is her one and only credit. Shame.

Hi and welcome to my review of The Crypt Of Dark Secrets.

The story gets a 0.25 out of 2: Even though Irwin Blanche and Jack Weis have an adequate story concept, their structuring and character construction leaves a lot to be desired. The story is all over the place. The Sheriff already believes in the supernatural and has demanded a professor look into a local spirit, Damballa, for no reason. Then off they go to the haunted island, again for no tangible reason. As for the characters, these are pretty two-dimensional, and their dialogue may injure your ears as it's downright dreadful. One of the gravest things is there's no damned crypt anywhere in sight.

The Direction and Pace receive a 0 out of 4: Now, this may be a bit harsh because Jack Weiss' cinematography isn't that terrible. However, it's the dreadful cutting and horrendous performances that null and voids the sole evidence of talent on show.

The Acting gets a 0.25 out of 2: Thanks to the writing, the characterisations are two-dimensional, though this doesn't stop the actors and actresses from trying their hardest to assign them one-dimensionality. And, I'll be blowed, they practically accomplish it. The rating is for Herbert Jahncke, who plays Sheriff Buck. This guy is the radiant light in the darkness. And for Maureen Ridley and her naked dancing. This lady sure can grind. Shame she's the worst actress I've ever witnessed.

And, my Enjoyment level scores a 0.25 out of 2: This rating, once again, is for both Jahncke and Ridley and their respective talents. Usually, I disagree with the way directors use older people to play teenagers. Fantastically, in Crypt, Weiss reverses this element. The old voodoo woman is played by a young twenty-something tolerating one of the worst grey wigs you'll ever see. Now, this is garbage at its worst, but there's something enormously enjoyable about it at the same time. While I was shaking my head, I was giggling. Oh, yeah, and the end of the film: I experienced such relief when the end credits rolled.

Giving The Crypt Of Dark Secrets a 0.75 out of 10:

Crypt is one hell of a stinky film and if you ever smell its stench, run as far away as possible. Do Not Watch this garbage.

Now come, explore my Crypt and check out my Absolute Horror list to see where this Haunted Horror landed in my rankings. And to find something more entertaining to watch.

This rural low-budgeter was pretty shocking for something coming from the Something Weird DVD line, in the fact that it doesn't look or feel like some softcore porn, like probably 90% of their output. Of course, Damballa is pretty hot without her clothes (which you get to see in ample amount)! The film is fairly well-made under the conditions, with some rich color photography and it moves along at a good gallop, being only 71 minutes, and could have probably gotten away with some editing out of the overly-long ritual and dancing sequences. Granted, the acting is pretty poor, but that's to be expected in something like this. All in all, worth a look if you buy a copy.

Vietnam vet Ted Watkins (Ronald Tanet) lives deep in the swamp on a place called "Haunted Island." Local legend has the spirit of shape shifting Damballa (Maureen Ridley) living there. After three crooks hear of Watkins' small cash fortune (he is overheard telling the town banker "I keep all my money in my bread box"), they sneak onto his land and kill him. But Damballa (which everyone pronounces as Damn-bella) does a naked dance and brings him back to life, setting out a plan for revenge.

Should I be angry this has no crypt and no dark secrets? This regionally-produced snoozer from writer-director Jack Weis doesn't really offer much unless you are looking for some swamp photography. Well, Ridley, who has a British accent for some reason, does get naked a few times. Weis handles everything with a dull "point and shoot" style and the make up consists of some blood dripping on money. He went on to do MARDI GRAS MASSACRE (1978). I looked up Damballa on Wikipedia and it is indeed a voodoo God that can transform into a snake. But it is a male, so you have to give Weis points for at least recognizing some exploitation value.