- Ali G: Jezzy, iz you wearing green? I knew it - you iz defected to the Iver 'Eath posse, innit? Come on - let's stab him!
- Jezzy F: No, no - wait! Me mum, yeah, she put me yellow top in the wash with me brother's blue football socks even though they ain't colourfast.
- Ali G: All right. But you tell that slag, that in the ghetto, washing non-colourfast synthetics at 60 degrees could cost you your life...
- David Carlton: [to Ali] Have you ever considered becoming a member of parliament?
- Ali G: What me wanna do that for? It's full of pricks.
- David Carlton: That's a little harsh. I'm an MP, am I a prick?
- Ali G: Yes.
- David Carlton: Tell me, Ali, do you have a job?
- Ali G: Unfortunately, I iz recently gone on the dole...
- David Carlton: Really? When?
- Ali G: Eight years and three months ago.
- David Carlton: Says here you claim disability benefit, are you...?
- Ali G: Yes, I iz actually spasticated. I iz got a terrible DJ'ing injury - I still ain't got full mobility in me main mixing finger...
- [starts to air-mix, winces, feigns pain, and stops. Notices Carlton's fit secretary looking at him, so he points to his crotch]
- Ali G: Everything down there's still working, though! Oh, yes...
- Ali G: You wanna know 'ow I make diz country bettah? Iz simple, two words: keep it real!
- Cabinet M.P.: That's three words!
- Ali G: Don't be a spannah, it ain't a real word. It's short for innit, innit?
- Ali G: R.E.S.T.E.C.P! Do ya even know wha it spellz?
- Cabinet M.P.: Restecp?
- Ali G: Yes, Restecp. 'Owz anyone out there meant to restecp each otha? If you lot in 'ere, don't even start restecpa-ing one another.
- Ali G: If you iz watching dis in da UK, you may remember me from da telly. If you iz in Belgium... you iz living in a shit hole.
- David Carlton: As of 12:00 all rizla's will be free. To discourage their use, there will be a 25p-per-pound levy on panties. This will exclude thongs. As for the health service, marijuana will be available on the NHS to treat chronic diseases such as ichy scrot. Furthermore I am a bell end...
- Ali G: HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!
- David Carlton: Prime minister, I really can't be expected to...
- Prime Minister: Go on now, David!
- David Carlton: [Looking annoyed] I like to take it up the batty. Yes, I do. It feel really nice and is me favourite. I used to be a girl and wear knicks, honest. Ask me mum!
- David Carlton: Swan, is there any reason why there should be an absurdly dressed, half-naked man chained to a fence, being tossed off by an old blind council worker?
- Delegate from Chad: Gentlemen, I want you all to know that the minister was very hard, but also very straight.