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Phoenix Nights

[talking about the inflatable Penis]
Jerry St Clair: We're not having that.
Brian Potter: You're damn right Jerry, we're not having that go on take it back.
Dodgy Eric: But Brian...
Brian Potter: It's a family fun day man, there's kiddies running around. They can't go jumping up and down on a love length.

[Max is almost run over leaving a French Supermarket with a trolley full of alcohol]
Max: Hey. Le Beer. Le Dickhead. Watch it son.

Brian Potter: What's the matter with you, man?
Jerry St Clair: What's the matter with me? I'll tell you what's the matter with me. Me first week as licensee, I'm stood here looking like a gay Satan cos somebody sold all me clothes on t'jumble. I've been rolled round t'car park all day dressed as a hernia and I've got 12 people in casualty with rubber burns.
Brian Potter: Rubber Burns? Weren't he a Scottish poet?

Jerry St Clair: ...and what made you apply for this job?
Spencer: The DSS.
Jerry St Clair: And why do you think I should give it to you?
Spencer: Because it will be the DSS paying me wages and it won't cost you a penny.
Jerry St Clair: Really?
Spencer: Yeah.
Jerry St Clair: When can you start? Welcome to the Phoenix, Spencer lad.

Dodgy Eric: [about the Bucking Bronco] I'll give you a week's free trial while I get your table fixed, then she's got to go to the European Finals in Dusseldorf.
Brian Potter: Dusseldorf? Oh, good. You can take "das fruit machine" back with you.

[discussing what to do with an Giant Inflatable Penis]
Young Kenny: Can't we disguise it?
Brian Potter: Yeah we can, we'll put a wool hat on it and say it's you.
Dodgy Eric: It's not what it looks Brian.
Brian Potter: Not what it looks. Not what it looks. It's a twenty-foot cock and balls man. It don't look like nothing else, it's not happening.

[Max produces a package]
Paddy: Have you done us a packed lunch?
Max: Have I.
[Opens package to reveal a gun]
Paddy: What on earth is that?
Max: That my friend, is a German Broomhandle Mauser.
Paddy: I'm not using that...
Max: Why, what's wrong with it?
Paddy: It's an antique that's what it is.
Max: Hey. It's not an antique. There's nothing wrong with that. It was my granddad's. He shot a German with this.
Paddy: Was that in the Second World War?
Max: No, it were in Benidorme. He had a row over a sun lounger.

[receiving a prank telephone call]
Brian Potter: Sick. Animals. Laughing at death, half past three in the bloody morning.

[a group of students are causing trouble in the club]
Brian Potter: Right you lot out. Before I knock you out. Sling it go on, you aren't welcome. All of you leave.
Stu: I'm not going till I get a refund.
Brian Potter: Did you here that Kenny? You best make him a bed up.
Stu: I want my money back.
Brian Potter: I want to moonwalk son, but life's a shithouse. Out.

Brian Potter: [finding the dead body of the Captain] Put him in the Pennine Suite.
Jerry St Clair: Why?
Brian Potter: Why? Because in here's murder. Next door's natural causes.

Brian Potter: Don't talk to me about upper body strength, Lesley! My forearms are massive!
Les: An' we all know why that is don't we? Too much "Trumpet Polishin'"

[Max is trying to purchase a watch from Armchair Superstore]
Max: Hello... I'd like to order the divers watch... the divers watch love... the one with the light... I don't know love... I can swim.

Brian Potter: I have a dream, people, I have a dream. If we build it, they will come.
Les: Build what?
Brian Potter: A new Phoenix.
Jerry St Clair: Here we go again.
Brian Potter: Bigger, better, faster, stronger, rising out of the ashes. A superclub, a King of clubs only this time we'll have it all. A restaurant, a bistro - we'll serve food.
Jerry St Clair: Food eh?
Brian Potter: But not just any old food Jerry. Proper food - scampi, chicken Kievs, garlic bread...
Max: Garlic bread?
Brian Potter: Garlic bread, that's right Max. Garlic bread - it's the future, I've tasted it.

Brian Potter: It just came to me in a dream, like St. Paul on the road to Domestos.

Jerry St Clair: [discovering the Captain dead] He's dead, Brian.
Brian Potter: Oh, my God! He can't be dead! Who's going to do the door? Who's going to do the door?

[Brian has been told over the phone that the club has burnt down and someone was inside]
Max: All we need to know Mr. Potter, did he have false teeth?
Brian Potter: False teeth? How the pissin' hell am I supposed to know if he had false teeth?
[laughing on other end of phone]
Brian Potter: Who is this?
[realizing it's a prank]
Brian Potter: I know who ya are, who are ya?

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