Teenage Van Dolls

I the more I see from pornographer Bob Kirk, the less I like. TEENAGE VAN DOLLS is a typically underachieving exercise from a guy who evidently just ground out "product" to feed Adult Cinemas the way current hacks crank out video "titles" by the thousand.

Heavily reliant on voice-over at the intro, non-story involves three women who hop in their van and head for Marin County to pick up three guys for sex, after latter's car broke down on Hwy 101. Sounds like a stag movie and it is, bloated to an hour of running time.

They land at Jesse Adams' home, where they pair off, with Jonathan Younger (cast for mixed combo action) getting two girls. Jesse decides to hump his best friend's girl Joanie, a wise choice since the willowy blonde is the best looking thesp in the picture.

Après-sex the van girls run off, refusing to stay for dinner, on some unknown pretense.

Part two of the film has them back home, as their regular boyfriends roll in. Kirk's gimmick is a porn thesis - casual sex is all that matters, and personal relationships are implicitly and explicitly ridiculed. Now I can't blame Big Bob for things like the initial AIDS epidemic, but he certainly didn't help matters.

To this end, none of the three (future superstar) boyfriends come through on treating their ladies to dinner, but callously insist on immediate hump gratification. Kirk's gynecological closeups reduce the sex act to merely clinical visuals. Closest thing to style is the questionable staging of Jon Martin's sex scene in a children's room filled with plush toys.

Mike Horner, barely recognizable in one of his first feature films with gaudy outfit, glasses and longish hair, doesn't get to act much in the improvised format -he's merely an interchangeable sex performer under Kirk's direction.

Third guy shows up late, and it's Richard Pacheco, perhaps the most callous of the lot. After his money shot, he's off to the races, asking his girl to dine alone, as he has to run off on a previous bowling rendez-vous with the guys. She blows her top, but he grabs his clothes and awkwardly splits anyway.

The gals conclude that men are beasts and plan their next Marin County adventure. Finis.

This slipshod trash only proves that even when a hack is blessed with a quality cast, he can fritter away any chances of producing interesting footage. The soundtrack is truly horrendous Muzak, including such put-you-to-sleep ditties as "September Song", "Leaving on a Jet Plane", "Happy Together", "More" (theme from MONDO CANE), "Moon River" and theme from "Alfie", not by Sonny Rollins but rather performed by some untalented sax player.