Terror em Alcatraz

The bad big snake movie redux

First off, people who throw around the epithet "worst movie of all time" haven't seen enough bad movies. Go watch Turbulence 1, 2 or 3, or Druids to know what the phrase really means. This movie is bad, but it's fun bad. It's heckle-able (is that a word? it is now). There's plenty to make fun of but it's hardly unwatchable. If you go in (as I did) knowing that this is going to be a bad big snake movie (or a bad CGI-thing movie) then you can enjoy it on it's own terms for 90 minutes. Granted, they are stupid terms, but hey, why else would you rent a straight-to-video movie starring Dean Cain & a CGI snake?

I watched this movie a few nights ago for the first time. I was astounded at the low production values, the poorly written script, the extremely inept CGI, and the incredibly bad acting of the ensemble.

The plot is something like this: A New Alcatraz is built at the North Pole or the South Pole, in any case, where someone cannot easily escape. Retirement plans for the prison staff must be hell and what happens if you get fired? Anyway, back to the supposed storyline -- this new state of the art prison is supposed to house the worst of the worst (criminals and politicians, maybe an insurance agent or two, certainly the former execs from Enron). The construction crew hit a snag, i.e. some nitrogen filled chamber wherein lies a 100 ft snake that has managed to survive for 10 billion years without eating. I figure it must have swallowed a T-Rex and had been digesting it for a bit before it decided to come out and have a little nighttime snack. OSHA must have had a fit when they learned about the construction crew going against safety guidelines.

Obviously the writers know absolutely NOTHING about snakes because this one zips here there and everywhere faster than my dog eats McDonald french fries. Large snakes are quite slow, watch Animal Planet and you'll know what I mean. And how come this snake had FANGS IN THE FRONT OF HIS MOUTH? And why does he growl? And how can he rip people in two, toss the individual parts into the air and then catch it? I thought boas constricted their dinner and then swallowed it. At least that's what Animal Planet is leading me to believe.

Anyway, Dean Cain and his wife have quit their posts as teachers at a university and are digging around at an archealogical site in the middle of a desert. Maybe they were looking for more frozen snakes in the desert? They are having a huge fight about having children in their future - Dean wants them, the wife doesn't. In the midst of this loving relationship, the military comes out and hints around at something BIG (it's always BIG) and off they go, no questions asked. They end up at this prison wherein they find out about the SNAKE. And of course only two people have the secret code to get in or out of the prison. The Major who leads the military operation and the Warden. Guess who dies?

For some reason, the prisoners do not seem unduly concerned with being eaten by this HUGE snake. This is a snake that eats guards at an alarming rate. They must be extra tasty. The prisoners are pretty happy considering their predicament. And of course NO ONE listens to reason so everyone gets eaten.

Then Dean's wife gets taken by the snake and I was really hoping she'd be eaten but unfortunately she wasn't. He didn't appear upset, probably because she refused to have his baby, and was thinking of the new wife he'd get as soon as he left this place. Come to think of it, all of the actors appeared to be thinking of the new wife Dean Cain was going to get since his current wife was taken by the snake.

And why didn't the snake eat her? Too bitchy? Maybe it's because she wasn't wearing a uniform. I think the snake has something for people in uniforms.

Could someone explain to me why in every single Sci Fi channel movie only two people ever survive? Can't we have more than two -- like THREE or more?

Someone smarter than the lead characters and more likable? It'd be a change.

All in all, it's an interestingly bad movie to watch. Not as horrible as Raptor Island, this one just had lots of holes. Like when the snake ate the co-pilot in the plane as it was airborne and no one got sucked out of the open end of the plane except the only sympathetic character. And that woman still survived. Do you think she and Dean Cain's character had any babies? Do you think that maybe the snake impregnated her while she was gone and she's going to give birth to a whole new breed of giant guard-eating snakes?

And does this mean we won't get to send any more Enron execs to the New Alcatraz?

Worlds better than Python, maybe a little bit better than Python 2, and in terms in entertainment, better than Snake King. Boa is a unique film with the same kind of bad graphics like those used in others like it, but it is more entertaining than Python, a film I absolutely hate. Dean Cain leads the cast and he is perhaps the best actor on the screen, although his character's mood changes constantly and impossibly. First he's all upset because he thinks his wife has been killed by the snake and next scene, he's just concentrated on getting out of the prison and not even thinking about her. And the other members of the cast are either so-so or terrible. Overall, Boa is a better film than others of its kind, but not anywhere near a decent motion picture.

The movie is best described as any typical poorly produced horror type movie where the characters will do the stupidest things to get themselves killed for no reason (eg.-walking into places knowing that you'll be killed or not taking anyones obvious warnings). The acting itself was not bad but the movie doesn't make much sense as to how a giant snake can move around the prison but can't really be seen until at least the last 45 minutes of the film. Some scenes were just written poorly. for example, dean cain promises a prisoner her safety when she was freaking out about the snake eating her and 5 minutes later, all he did was shoot her (but not the snake) so she wouldn't have to deal with the pain of being eaten... I guess that's still keeping his word. I'm no animal expert but this snake goes around this prison eating a bunch of people...don't snakes eat and then go hide and sleep it off since they're most vulnerable when they are full?? I don't think it's even worth the time watching this film. if dean cain would show some skin, perhaps it's still worth the rental.

Anybody who sees this film expecting the second coming of Citizen Kane is fooling themselves. Folks, it's just a movie meant to entertain us. And in that sense, I think it did a fine job. Sure there were holes in the plot and some mediocre CG effects, but overall it didn't do too badly in my book. My main gripes were in the opening scene. So if I'm flying a giant cargo plane and it starts making funny noises, I'm certainly not going to open up the crates. And that CG snake is pretty badly done. Why a snake? A monkey would have been more convincing, and most importantly, monkeys make us laugh! I was impressed with the set design though. Very effective use of set design to give us the sense of claustrophobia. The main control room was quite a contrast to the rest of the cold blocky hallways. Overall, not a bad job, especially from the typical giant snake movie. Faced between Anaconda or Boa at the video stores, I'd take Boa in a heartbeat.