- Ms. Weiner: [Upon seeing Tito reading a porn magazine while masturbating] Tito! What do you think you're doing young man?
- Tito: Listen, bitch! Just because I'm a tard, doesn't mean you have to treat me like one. But because I'm "special", I don't think I'm ever going to get laid. So why can't I masturbate?
- Evil Kabukiman: I knew it! I knew something was wrong! You're not the real Noxie after all, are you?
- Toxie: That may be! But I know Sergeant Kabukiman N.Y.P.D... and you, sir, are no Sergeant Kabukiman N.Y.P.D.!
- Evil Kabukiman: I had a bad feeling about that crack dealer from day one! I guess you can't trust school kids these days!
- Toxie: Crack dealer? Sergeant Kabukiman N.Y.P.D. what are you talking about?
- Evil Kabukiman: Sergeant? N.Y.P.D.? What? What's wrong with you, Noxie? Are you selling the crack or you smoking it?
- Evil Kabukiman: [to Claire] You read sign language don't you? Well read this!
- [slaps her]
- Evil Kabukiman: .
- God: And tell the Pope to stop talking about me, he dosen't know me and tell him that his hat looks fucking stupid.
- Prologue: 15 years ago, A mop boy named Melvin Fyrd fell into a case full of toxic waste and became a hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength, he became... The Toxic Avenger, the first superhero from New Jersey! Then came two shitty sequels, sorry about that. This is the real sequel.
- Toxie: We've got to get the other heroes of Tromaville and storm the hospital!
- Sgt. Kabukiman: They're all dead.
- Toxie: All of them?
- Sgt. Kabukiman: Yeah.
- Toxie: Even Dolphin Man?
- Sgt. Kabukiman: OH yeah.
- Dex Diaper: Toxie's got his head up his ass.
- [Toxie grabs him, turns him upside-down and slams him into the ground causing his head to come up through his ass]
- Dex Diaper: I've got my head up my ass.
- [laughs as Toxie knocks his head off]
- Toxie: [being mistaken by three thugs for the Noxious Offender] Didn't you learn your lesson the last time I disemboweled you, shoved your head up your ass, and killed you with your own diaper?
- Rex Diaper: What?
- Tex Diaper: What?
- Dex Diaper: Huh?
- Toxie: Guess not.
- [attacks them]
- Toxie: I keep calling you "sweetie" and "honey." What's your name, little girl?
- Sweetie Honey: Sweetie Honey.
- Abortion Receptionist: [on the phone] Tromaville Abortion Clinic! May I help you? I'm sorry, but the doctor just died of rectal hemorrhaging. Would you like his voice mail?
- Prologue: [Last lines; footage of Kaufman in his underwear spraying deodorant on himself plays out as Parker narrates] Due to the depletion of the ozone layer and the careless dumping of hazardous nuclear waste, thousands of people find themselves trapped in an evil parallel universe every year and the numbers are rising.
- [Kaufman disappears from the bathroom and re-appears on the street amidst a crowd of outlookers, who laugh at him. He runs off in fear into an alleyway]
- Prologue: This film is respectfully dedicated to those who have lost their lives facing down their own evil doppelgängers.
- [a doppelgänger of Kaufman appears and shoots him dead]
- Prologue: So, if you find yourself thrust into an alternate reality, look to the horizon: one hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength will be there. Yes, dear reader, he'll be there. He's the Toxic Avenger.
- [the screen fades to black, followed by a text asking the viewers to recycle their bottles and cans]
- Prologue: And please don't forget to recycle your bottles and cans.
- Evil Kabukiman: [to Toxie after flipping his car in the air] This is an American-made car! Every time they flip twenty-five feet in the air and crash down, they blow up! Let's get out of here!
- Dex Diaper: [to Bikini Anchor Samantha Chambers] Well, Samantha... looks like I won't have to frisk you for weapons!
- [everyone laughs]