For maybe the first 5 minutes of this movie-until they got to the
"se7en" ripoff credit sequence (by now, when you see a movie with
this type of credit sequence, that's a sign right there that the movie
is going to go downhill), which is intercut inexplicably with shots of
a guy mountain biking-I thought it might qualify as a guilty
pleasure. Then by the tiime Jenny McCarthy showed up, I realized
it was just really, really bad.
I saw this less than 24 hours ago but my mind is already blocking
most of it out. I think I rented this because I was looking for
something dumb and lightweight. Well I got those two, I just forgot
that it should be dumb, lightweight, but also entertaining. I haven't
looked at the credits too closely, but the movie is so wildly uneven
it looks like about 10 different directors and editors slapped it
together, none of them ever co-ordinating at all with the other, and
that half of them were just maybe random people-no, children-they
stopped on the street and handed a movie camera and asked
them if they felt like taking over for a couple days, and the other half
went out and spent all their paycheck on drugs. Actually I think
both, the 10 different directors spent all their money on drugs, then
handed the camera to some random kid on the street because
they were too stoned to focus.
A bad CGI python terrorizes a small town. that's about it. Not that
this would be a problem, if the movie were decent. Anaconda had
a pretty simple plot, and I liked it-it was trashy but at least fun.
Casper Van Dien and Robert Englund play two scientists or snake
experts or something who both try to upstage the other. Van Dien
has this mustache, which I think was supposed to make him look
older or smarter, but it just looks bad. The CGI python doesn't
seem very interested in eating people, either, just mangling them
or spitting venom on them. I guess it wasn't very hungry (though it
does eat a shower curtain at one point) or just cranky. The only
positive thing I can think of to say is at least this movie didn't try to
pretend to be anything other than it was, and had a couple slightly
amusing parts-well, maybe one. The scene with Jenny McCarthy
made me realize why she doesn't get much acting work. Her and
this actor who play a real estate salesman ham it up and overact
so amazingly in their scenes that it was way past the point of being
as amusing as they thought they were being.
The constant patting-themselves-on-the-back smugness of "hey,
look how funny and noncomformist and wild we think we're being!'"
that the film oozes gets old within minutes and ruins any sort of fun
you might have.
They must have blown their whole budget on Englund (I thought he
would have made enough money to retire by now-either he lost it
all or is just kind of bored, or took the job as a favor to someone)
and McCarthy, because as I said, the effects were terrible. The CGI
itself was OK in parts, but then it would be really badly
superimposed on what what obviously just the actors being filmed
pretending to see a big snake. The lighting didn't even match. It
looked like the snake was rearing up in front of a movie screen
that needed cleaning.
Anyway, this was just terrible and stupid in a bad way. I actually felt
sorry for most of the actors. Even Caspar Van Dien looks
embarassed, for God's sake. If you want a guilty pleasure, you can
do soooo much better. Try Wild Things, Nowhere, an episode of
Melrose Place, or Lake Placid. Caling this movie a guilty pleasure gives other genuine guilty pleasures a bad name.
