O Exterminador de Nova York

This is another film I happened upon at my local DVD rental outlet of which I had no prior knowledge; having watched a spate of belated Euro-Cult sci-fi outings over the last couple of years, I suspected I’d be in for a ‘so bad it’s good’ ride – but the end result, though certainly unintentionally hilarious, is a wretched piece of junk.

To begin with the plot doesn’t make a lick of sense: little wonder, since it lifted a good deal of footage – including Woody Strode’s entire performance – from THE FINAL EXECUTIONER (1983), a film directed by Romolo Guerrieri (hence his unofficial credit above)! Anyway, here we get a rookie sheriff in a futuristic New York – replacing Strode (dubbed, what else, “The Black Man”) – who has to quell an ongoing conflict between a colony of androids and one comprised of renegade humanoids (the script even makes some dumb comparisons between the latter’s fate and that endured by Native Americans over the years!); incidentally, don’t ask me to explain the difference between each faction of robots, because I sure as hell couldn’t tell them apart!!

As is usual for this kind of film, we’re treated to a crappy electronic score and characters who could best be described as scum; ironically, the would-be hero doesn’t do much of anything throughout (even if he’s relentlessly undermined by martinet Strode during his period of training). As a matter of fact, the lead is actually...er...the leader of the humanoids – a short-tempered beefcake wearing a ridiculously undersized sleeveless shirt and who’s supposedly fallen in love with a human; when she’s raped and murdered by rival androids, he sets out to infiltrate the latter’s castle base (having by this time befriended the cop). Margie Newton (from Bruno Mattei’s equally lamentable HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD [1980]) is the bimbo leader of the villainous robots – who, amusingly, gets an itch for lovemaking just as the final onslaught is about to begin!

While there are some undeniable howlers throughout – particularly the humanoid leader’s dumb monologues – the film is simply too poorly handled (in all departments) to be easily enjoyed; in fact, even if less than 90 minutes in length, I found it virtually unbearable...

Why ?? Why ?? Why ?? This movie starts out bad and ends up bad. It is bad all around. The first 5 minutes of the movie is saturated with images... images of video editing equipment. This is followed by the stock footage Circle Line tour of New York complete with narration (notice the Queensborough bridge panoramic pole shot - classic). There is no reason to watch this movie .. unless it is late night and you can't sleep, or your are completely wasted and want to lose some more brain cells. If this is not enough for you, how about the addition of veteran movie actor Woody Stode (aka black man - in this movie thats what he is referred to) to improve the movie. WRONG !!! It only gets worse. Woody was a pro-football star in his days, too bad he was 70+ years old in this movie. Not only that, but he does his own stunts. I have not seen fight scenes this bad since I watched a Jean-Claude van Damme movie. Truly horrific action. Action so boring, you may want to break out the coffee to stay awake through them. This movie was so cheaply done that they could not even afford fake blood for the death scenes. The sound effects are horrible. The Atari 2600 had better and the soundtrack sounds like it was ripped from a bad porn movie. This movie is so boring, "Margie" actually watches a scene from the movie (Spaceballs - save me). So in that scene we are watching the actors watch their own movie. There are endless scenes of "Dakar" driving and whining on his 2-way radio. There is a 2-second fully-clothed rape scene. And no thats how long it actually lasts - 2 seconds. Incidentally, that is the scene that "Margie" watches later. There are 2 scenes which stand out in my mind - the training of the new sheriff (which involves "white man" shooting at a film projection on a wall) and the sheriff shooting through the castle at the end (think Wild Gunmen for the Nintendo). If you want to watch a better movie ... try just about anything. If you want to see a post apocalyptic Italian exploitation movie about New York .. watch 2019: After the Fall of New York.

-Celluloid Rehab

A whiskey stream of consciousness review.

"Time to get busy" Nothing like a fade out into an android crotch. Not sure where this was filmed, but it looks more like a giant quarry outside an Italian villa more than a post-apocalypse Bronx, NY. Machine pistols, .22s, carbines, and nail guns galore! Never will you see more proficiency with the "spray and pray" MAC-10 than how head cyborg Shark uses it in this film. The amount of perfect technique and accuracy he displays with his machine pistol is another example of why we really need to prevent AI from becoming Skynet. By the way, you know you have genius-level creativity when the main baddie is named "Shark"! Woody Strode is pretty good as the intense sheriff of NY. Sadly, he is sorely misused in the film. Dakar (Alex Vitale) the sympathetic hulk of an android with a heart, is a cross between private Pyle and Lou Ferrigno with maybe a dash of "Raw Deal" Schwarzenegger. "You're only an android which is zero!" And the first credit at the films finish is for continuity! Bwahahaha! Ridiculous, almost like the director put it there to say "blame this one!" Continuity aside, how about the editing?! Looks like the editor may have also worked on Troll 2. Seriously. It shows. Could have used better effects and maybe a few gore shockers. Not the best "so bad it's good" film, but enjoyable enough. Especially with a dram of Wild Turkey Rare Breed! Cheers!

I'm the post-apocalyptic Bronx, evil androids and humanoids engage in a war for supremacy.

Director Vanio Amici's Bronx Executioners, released in 1989 but feeling like a B-Movie from 1982, extensively uses footage from the 1984 film The Final Executioner. The Bronx setting, despite claiming a post-apocalyptic vibe, bears little resemblance to the actual Bronx. It lacks the fun, futuristic elements, and coherence found in films like 1990: Bronx Warrior, Rats: Night of Terror, and The New Barbarians, among others. The gunplay, dog attacks, staged fights, and severed heads contribute to the film's chaotic mix.

Woody Strode's reused footage as Sam from The Final Executioner now portrays the character Warren, while Alex Vitale, previously the Russian in Strike Commando, plays Dakar, aspiring to be human. Margit Evelyn Newton, known for Hell of the Living Dead, is the only actor from the first film with new scenes in the second. The inclusion of saxophone in the last act attempts to evoke a Blade Runner vibe. Notably, Paolo Rustichelli's music, borrowing much from The Terminator (1984), stands out as one of the film's highlights.

Overall, Bronx Executioners feels like a poorly assembled remake of 'The Final Executioner,' lacking coherence. It may appeal to those who enjoy sporadic scenes of men rolling and falling around.

The Bronx Executioner is truly an hypnotic experience. There is something mesmerising about the film's sheer lack of plot, continuity and credibility. Viewers searching for an intelligent sci-fi thriller should look elsewhere. However, if you enjoy car crash cinema, then this is the film for you! One of the most charming things about this movie is the fact that it is entirely unapologetic about making absolutely no sense.

This is signalled from the very first sequence in which an ancient looking computer bleeps. For about 2 minutes. From there we get a confusing voice-over about a trainee sheriff, James, and warring humanoids and androids. Before you can say, "what the?", our stony faced trainee has been given a sheriff's badge - after completing an obstacle course and doing a few chin-ups.

The film then shifts almost entirely away from James, to the leader of the humanoids, Dakar. Dakar spends most of the film driving around in his jeep, screaming incoherently into his walkie talkie. When Dakar realises that Margie is behind the rape and murder of his girlfriend, he finally puts the damn walkie talkie away and joins forces with James to bring Margie down.

The characters of Dakar and Margie are truly hilarious. Dakar looks like a WWE escapee, while Margie runs around in a red leather dress and at one stage sports a truly fetching peroxide blonde mullet. Both actors are fabulously awful. In all fairness, lines like "the only thing I love is death" and "why do those damn androids hate us so much?" really didn't give them much to work with.

Other moments or jaw dropping incompetence include the rape of Dakar's girlfriend, who is apparently violated in 5 seconds while fully clothed and a sub-plot involving killer dogs and green lights on a computer monitor that makes no sense whatsoever.

This film is definitely not for everyone, but fans of camp 80s Euro-action films or car crash cinema could do a lot worse than spending 90 minutes of their time on "The Bronx Executioner".