Ninja Assassins

I'm given to understand that this film is actually a Godfrey Ho picture, made under a pseudonym. That tracks. The man has made some movies that are very fun (see Cynthia Rothrock's 'Honor and glory,' for example), but at his worst and most carelessly insouciant, his movies are just total slop. Amateur filmmakers, with nothing to their name except earnest effort and hard work, have made some incredible features; Ho, at his most indifferent, churns out features that seem to actively decline any but the most minimal of effort. From the name alone one doesn't expect much out of 'Bionic ninja,' and "not much" is exactly what we get. It's not the worst thing ever made - I've seen the bottom of the barrel, and this isn't it - but for the level on which it operates, the distinction means glaringly little.

We can at least say that the stunts, practical effects, fight choreography, and action scenes look pretty good. Or rather, some of them look pretty good. A few of them look pretty good. Sort of. A modicum of thought arguably went into This or That at one time or another. This, regrettably, is the most praise that the picture earns. Even the best of the action is diminished by awful camerawork, and the worst of it marked by weak choreography and direction. And that's what the title does best! Otherwise, this is plagued by egregiously terrible editing, rotten direction, and more of that insipid camerawork; bottom-dollar production values including tinny, uneven audio, and grainy, unfocused imagery; simple-minded dialogue, disconnected and commonly incoherent scene writing, and an incohesive, desperately thin plot; astonishingly bad acting; and still more. Even the music is a quizzical grab bag: some of it is baseline suitable, much of it bland, and an early theme to greet our ears has the worst "drum" tone I think I've ever heard; on the other hand, some of it is terrific, but suffers from the poor production values, and I have to assume all of it was lifted from another source. A short clip from James Horner's score for 'Krull' certainly was.

There is a story here, at least in theory. A MacGuffin is loose in Hong Kong, you see, and an American agent and other individuals (of indeterminate allegiance) on the ground are all involved (somehow), with apparent worry that the MacGuffin may fall into the hands of the KGB. That's about the most cogent the storytelling gets. Maybe Ho knows of a way that the gratuitous sex and nudity fit into the saga, or the needless suggested animal cruelty, but I don't. Maybe he knows who all the characters are, and how they and the scenes fit together into the story, but I don't. I mean it when I say this isn't the worst thing ever made, but gosh golly, I also mean it when I say it's not too far removed from that horrid nadir. It's utterly baffling that this is somehow ninety minutes long; before even one-third of that runtime has elapsed it feels like we've already been watching for at least an hour.

It's funny, really. Folks regularly point to films like 'Madame Web,' 'Ishtar,' 'Cats,' 'Manos: The hands of fate,' or 'North' and say they're the worst films ever made. They're all bad, for sure, but anyone who employs such language for these flicks should count their lucky stars that they've never seen stuff that's far, far, far worse, as I have. 'Bionic ninja' is far, far, far worse. I suppose I'm glad for those who get more out of this than I do, but I don't know how they do it. Were the folks involved not embarrassed by what they contributed to? Had they no shame? The good news is that this is the sort of muck that one can easily check out of, and watch passively while not actually missing a thing, so one's pain is reduced to at least that extent. My recommendation is just to avoid 'Bionic ninja' outright, but if you do make the mistake of watching, please take care of yourself as you do.

Bionic Ninja? More like Psionic Ninja! This is a martial art movie. The plot is reasonable, but the storyline is point on in a way. The choreography is a bit on the sloppy side. I've seen a lot of kung fu flicks that are better than this. Enter The Ninja was way better than this. This one is more comedy than martial arts.

Ninjas being sent by the KGB? Clashing business associates. That's a plot. And a CIA agent is the hero of the film who must learn how to fight with ninjitsu. A weak version of "American Ninja". Having a soundtrack mix does help the just a little bit. Hearing "Miami Vice" for the fight scene is a bit hilarious.

A bit Jackie Chan-ish, but not quite, something to beat boredom with.

I have found with these faux ninja movies coming out of Hong Kong is that they are either so bad they are hilarious, or they are tedious enough that you'll be hoping their ends come quickly. Sadly, with this particular Hong Kong ninja movie, there's not much entertainment value. Though these movies' plots are usually quite incoherent, the plot of this one is quite bewildering - something to do with a stolen microfilm. More disappointing was the newly shot ninja footage edited into an already existing movie. For the first third, just about all the ninja footage consists of ninjas observing the events of the already existing movie. Eventually the ninjas get to do a lot more, but what they do isn't particularly exciting or hilarious. It's just tedious. In fact, the entire movie more or less plays out this way. Even if you are a fan of these ninja mishmash movies, this particular one is best skipped.