- Jacques Chevalier: All the people I deal with are scum. I'm a little scummy myself. You are not scum. That worries me.
- Grace Trevethyn: I take exception to that. I come from a long line of scum. My dear late husband was one of the scummiest men to walk the face of this earth.
- Jacques Chevalier: My apologies.
- Matthew Stewart: Last time you were in London was five years ago for the Chelsea Flower Show. You can't sell this stuff at a florist!
- Grace Trevethyn: What's your Master Plan Then?
- Matthew Stewart: I was going to go to Portobello Road...
- [Grace disagrees]
- Matthew Stewart: With the greatest respect... I'm the young hip one. You're the hip replacement.
- Margaret Sutton: [high on weed] May I help you?
- Diana Singer: [also high on weed] Would you like some Cornflakes? They're heavenly.
- Quentin Rhodes: No thank you I've already eaten.
- Margaret Sutton: Would you like a chocolate ice cycle?
- Quentin Rhodes: I'm looking for Lilac House. I'm trying to contact Grace Trevethyn.
- Diana Singer: I love Grace. I really, really love her. She has wonderful hair... soft and silky like a lovely Angora rabbit.
- Quentin Rhodes: Right. Where do I find her?
- Diana Singer: In a lovely, lovely house. I love her.
- Quentin Rhodes: And how do I find the lovely, lovely house?
- Diana Singer: Up the lovely lovely hill.
- Grace Trevethyn: [high on weed, she starts laughing hysterically]
- Matthew Stewart: What? What is it? What's so funny?
- Grace Trevethyn: [laughing] You're Scottish!
- Dr. Martin Bamford: I do have some bad news though.
- Nicky: What?
- Dr. Martin Bamford: There's a slight risk of ginger hairs.
- Nicky: I like it here, it's so peaceful and quiet.
- Vicar Gerald Percy: If you think this is quiet, you should see Evensong.
- Matthew Stewart: [imitating a Dalek from Doctor Who] The mutant buds are nearly ready, Great One. Soon we will release them into the atmosphere and take over the entire planet!
- Grace Trevethyn: The people I represent wish to remain anonymous.
- Jacques Chevalier: The people I represent wish to remain anonymous as well. Maybe they are the same people, no?
- Jacques Chevalier: Do I look like I would cut someone's finger off?
- Grace Trevethyn: Oh, yes.
- Jacques Chevalier: Thank you.
- Matthew Stewart: It's Nicky. Nicky doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who's irresponsible. And I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't Nicky.
- Grace Trevethyn: That's my Doctor. This one's my Gardner.
- Jacques Chevalier: Oh nice. Are you expecting anybody else... your cleaning lady perhaps?
- Matthew Stewart: I avoid confrontation. If you grew up in Glasgow in the 1970's you'd avoid confrontation too. All I want is a easy life. I want to grow some vegetables, smoke some weed, sing carols at Christmas time and who knows? One day I'd like to be a dad and raise a couple of fucking children. But that's it! I've had it! I've fucking had enough. I'm going! No more Mr. Cuddly Toy!
- Matthew Stewart: No more Mr. cuddly toy. I'm not hanging around here to be a whipping boy for ganja Grace and captain Nicky the fuckin' lobster queen.