- Artie Henderson: I'm a little overweight due to a genetic disorder that makes fried chicken delicious.
- [contest-winning punchline]
- Mr. Denby: The men's bathroom is disgusting. Tell her, Norm.
- Norm: There's a bathroom in this building? I've been using the donut shop across the street.
- Laurie: You go all the way across the street just to use the bathroom in the donut shop?
- Norm: There's a bathroom in the donut shop?
- Mr. Denby: Norm, I'd like to talk to you regarding our long distance policy (MacDonald, Norm@Norm Henderson)
- [on the phone]
- Mr. Denby: : Okay, sir
- Mr. Denby: You have all these calls to China. Who do you know in China?
- Norm Henderson: Well, no one until you call, sir. Hold on one second.
- [into phone, in Chinese]
- Norm Henderson: Ni hao ma. Ding hai Prince Albert in a can?
- Norm Henderson: He may be rich, but all his money and power can't stop me from rubbing my hands together maniacally!
- Max Denby: [looking at Artie] Norm, you never told me you brought in your pet gorilla from the zoo today.
- Max Denby: Artie, are you able to contribute or think of anything worth of USE to this office?
- Artie Henderson: [Artie farts extremely loudly and for a long period of time] Yeah I really gotta lay off the cheese blintzes.
- Norm Henderson: [to Max] I'm proud of you Max. I bet you're gonna live to the ripe old age of... how old are you again? 88?
- [after learning that Norm decided to take it easy on insulting, Mr. Denby if he wouldn't fire his friends]
- Norm: Ah, it was nothing, actually it was a huge sacrifice, it was not unlike that guy, uh, Jesus Christ Almighty!
- Norm Henderson: I hate you. You've never given me anything to be happy for!
- Max Denby: I gave you life!
- Norm: Hey Artie, have you thought about getting off my couch for once and getting yourself, oh I don't know, a job?
- Artie Henderson: Hey I just got a job recently. I stand in the unemployment line and scratch my ass there.
- Norm Henderson: Right after our special Pokemon opening. That's right kids, Pokemon! You might want to bring the littler tykes to bed during the commercial.