Epitaph

I've seen many, many horror movies, but this one beats it all and I don't mean in a good way. First of all the film was obviously very very cheap. The camera work is the worst I've ever seen. The story is so stupid and implausible, that you got the feeling they wrote the script it in one hour. The actors are all so bad, it's beyond belief. But the worst of it is, that there is no humor at all. There are just some mediocre tasteless gore effects for splatter fans. On the video cover is written, that this film is a psychological Thriller - far from it ! It's nothing but a bad, dumb little movie,that has no, really no qualities. 1 out of 10.

This has to be the worst movie since movies came out. This movie doesnt even define cheese. There was one scene where the actor tripped over a power line, looked back at the camera, and kept on going. I even wonder if there was a director at all in this movie. I watched about 5 minutes of it, turned it off, took it back to the place I rented it from, and tore my membership card up.

It'd be easy to call Epitaph cheap or dumb or a waste of time, but this movie has a story to tell and it's proud and eager to tell it.

There's clearly not a lot of money the filmmakers were working with here. It's shot on video, it has 3 locations, and the actors all seem plucked out of community theatre obscurity, but the script itself isn't as bad as one might think and has a good time playing with audience expectations.

A family moves to a new town and the matriarch begins committing murders. Instead of shock, most family members react with a "not again" which means that I guess ol' mom has been killing people everywhere she goes. The only one who seems truly bothered by this is the teenage daughter, because how embarrassing is it to not only be the new girl in school, but to have a homicidal mother as well.

As the story progresses, Mom takes care of anyone who gets in her way to starts to suspect her nefarious plans. She'll use anything from an electric kitchen knife to a shotgun to a rat placed in a can and attached to a victim's stomach as she blowtorches it, making the rat eat through the victim's stomach. Yep. That one is a highlight.

Despite budget limitations, Epitaph isn't bad at all and I can promise you that if this script had been bought by a big studio and given to someone like Jessica Lange or Meryl Streep to play, people would love it. Look past the low budget and you'll find a pretty good movie.

(*1/2 out of *****)

It seems the Fulton family has to keep moving from one town to another, because the mother is a homicidal maniac who murders any man who doesn't submit to her drunken seductions. And Mr. Fulton, like any good, caring husband, never thinks twice about burying her victims in the backyard, packing up the family car, and setting off for a brand-new destination. This is an extraordinary movie, and when I say extraordinary, I mean it's extraordinarily moronic. If it had been presented as a dark comedy (in the vein of, say, John Waters's "Serial Mom"), then they might have had something to work with, but, unfortunately, the cast plays it dead-serious. Thus, it is extremely difficult to believe that Mr. Fulton, his traumatized teen-age daughter, and his scared old mother would put up with this madwoman's homicidal tendencies. We're supposed to accept that they would rather keep covering up her murders and moving from place to place than see her `locked up.' Mrs. Fulton offers no redeemable qualities whatsoever to warrant such absurd protection -- she constantly browbeats her daughter about her clothes and boys, she threatens her pathetic mother-in-law around the clock, and she's not exactly a hell-cat in the bedroom with Mr. Fulton (maybe if she looked like Michelle Pfeiffer, I could buy it -- but Michelle Pfeiffer she ain't.) Flint Keller, as the daughter's unlikely boyfriend, Wayne, does the most passable acting job out of this ugly group, and whoever plays Warren (who only has about a 20-second scene) sports the most amazing pompadour-mullet I've ever seen (it is almost -- I repeat, almost -- worth the rental).

Lowlight: In the ghastliest scene (and one of the more gruesome scenes I've ever witnessed in one of these kinds of movies), the crazy mother hangs a bucket with a hungry rat inside it over a woman's torso and heats up the bottom with a blowtorch until the rat has to eat its way through the woman's stomach to get out. I guess that should score points for creativity (especially in cheap and otherwise unimaginative crud like this), but it didn't exactly make the movie any more endearing. Go figure.

The main problem with this film - which isn't as amateurishly made as some I've seen - is the writing. The crazy mother's actions are just too implausibly tolerated by her family. Her husband says he loves her but you'd be hard pressed to understand why, as she's just an aggressive, screwed up bitch most of the time. Her family stay loyal even as she becomes a threat to them all, but at least this means she gets to go further and further over the top, which is what the film really wants to do. If you hate movies where people doggedly refuse to act in their own best interests then this one will drive you up the wall. But casting aside these criticisms there's a lurid, cheesy quality to the film, thanks to the shameless over-acting of the mother, and the 'Mommy Dearest' aspects of her relationship with her daughter. Fans of the TV show 'Absolutely Fabulous' should see this as it's like a trash-horror variation, even down to the doddering grandmother and dowdy sensible daughter, whilst the mad mother plays like a mixture of Edeena and Patsy from that show! And it deserves mention as a film whose set piece is a stab at that classic rat, bucket and blowtorch trick so beloved of torturers with a history degree...