Back from Hell

DON'T STAIN THE TASSLED BOAT SHOES!

This is the one of the greatest films ever produced. It would be an insult to the makers of this major motion picture if you simply labeled it "horror." Its message and subversive themes extend deep into a realm of social conscience and philosophical consciousness.

My recommendation is to purchase this movie and add it to your collection. It sits on my shelf at home between "Toxic Avenger" and "Mondo Magic."

When you meet so many people in your life who call themselves Christians (but will chastise, condemn, beat up, or even kill someone for something as minor as a Marilyn Manson shirt), you often forget that there are more interesting Christians out there who are actually somewhat fun to be around. It seems that it is people out there who are the latter that are ready and willing to make splatter movies in the name of Jesus Christ. The result is low-budget wonders like this rare, little gem that is way more fun than any kind of church sermon one might hate to sit through. (I, regardless of any of the very few religious/spiritual standpoints I might have in common with Christianity, I am no Christian and I REALLY HATE churches!) In this movie, Jack (Larry DuBois) is a young Hollywood star, who, to maintain his fame, has sold his soul to Satan. Jack must follow through with a human sacrifice, but he doesn't have the heart, making the forces of darkness quite upset with him. Any one person who looks into his eyes becomes possessed by evil and hellbent on killing him in some very unpleasant ways. So, Jack, having one last very old and long-lost friend to turn to, contacts (an unrealistically non-judgemental) Father Aaron (Shawn Scarbrough) to help him combat Satan's army of masked killers, Ninja-looking types who carry axes. It all culminates in an outrageous bloodbath of limbs sawed off, gallons of spurting blood, and airborne guts. The FX (done on an obvious shoestring) often look pretty cool considering the practically nonexistent budget and, though the acting truly is the ultimate pits, it all makes for one good n' cheezy splatterfest classic. (The highlights are definitely the demon hand that grabs Father Aaron by the crotch from his own bible and when the good father shouts, "Tell Satan I said he can kiss my black ass!" before firing off a bloody hole through one last adversary. The latter scene leads to a particularly bizarre and unexpected twist.) For undemanding fans of the gory and goofy (like myself), this is a movie that starts off with an unsure and slow-moving feel, but speeds up and comes to life rather quickly and unpredictably, grabbing you (no pun intended) until that hellacious grip just gets tighter and tighter, climaxing in a release of the viewer into a very strange (and oddly eerie) non-ending which will leave all watching thinking, "What the hell was that?" Still, I'm a fan of David Lynch and Gregg Araki, so I do know that this isn't exactly a bad thing. You won't really know until you try this one out all the way through, so I urge all daring and bored sickos to give it a look!

I've seen a lot of junk in my day and I admit it freely. But every now and then a movie stands out for being so hideously inept you can't believe money ever exchanged hands in connection with it. Someone PURCHASED this? Someone spent money MAKING it? It looks for all the world like some dudes got some money together under the erroneous belief that all it takes to make a feature film is enough cash to pay for the film and equipment, and enthusiasm.

No, that's not true here because that's the biggest flaw of the movie--the two leads look more embalmed than any of the animated corpses, so enthusiasm must have been left out too! I wouldn't want to judge, but it's usually a good idea when casting leads to consider their abilities as actors...and their visual appeal! Maybe it's just me, but the sight of a pudgy guy with a mullet running around in late-80's stone-wash jeans (and please, God, if you exist, don't ever let that fashion style be resurrected!!) as a "hero" distracted me too much to enjoy this curdled, disappointing pile of mind-rot. Well, it WAS funny, but probably wasn't meant to be.

However! The filmmakers knew one thing--when you can't afford acting or sets or lights or sound or costumes or a decent script...bring on the splatter! It was the only thing that kept me from shutting this off--it was literally doused in blood, and grotesquely funny and satisfying in that sense. There's something heartwarming to a splatter fan when a filmmaker lets the camera linger on spurting grue, and here the grue sprays all over the actor's faces at every occasion. No, it makes no sense, but it's hilarious and satisfying cinematically to see the suffering actors repeatedly sit there and be drenched in red syrup, like a splatter version of the old show "You Can't Do That On Television" or something! This is one of the bloodier films I've seen, and I've seen some serious crap.

Other than that, utterly worthless, save your time and money for something else...

Jack dickered with The Devil to improve Jack's efforts in Hollywood, in exchange for Jack providing two souls for Lucifer. But gentle Jack's constitution is such that he's unwilling to fulfill his end of the deal, so, Satan punishes Jack by causing anyone who looks into Jack's eyes to want to kill Jack. In the interest of self-preservation, however, Jack kills them first. Jack's childhood friend, who became a priest, is immune from these effects 'cause he's a "Man of God". Therefore, Jack seeks the clergyman's help. If that's not enough, they also learn that Mr. Pitchfork intends to take over he world. The rest of the movie shows the duo taking on the many that would do them in. I'm not surprised that Jack turned to The Devil to work with Jack's acting. It's obvious that The Alternative had nothing to do with that element. The sound is terrible, the continuity is distractingly laughable, and so is the over-abundance of gore. (Is it odd that blood always spurts on somebody's face or shoes?) If you're searching for the absolute worst flick, you're gonna remember this one.

i couldn't beleive they released this,first off the acting is the worst i've ever seen the main character jack remained calm throughout the movie even when a cop stuck forks in his arm while he was tied down but yet after the priest shoots the cop that was tormenting jack he pulls five forks out of his arm and has full use of it ,doesnt complain about it and you never see any fork marks on his arm then to top it off a bunch of satanic ninjas are going around trying to help satan take over the world and jack made a deal with the devil ,he sold his soul to become famous so when ever he looks into someones eyes they want to kill him so the demon he made the deal with can have his soul. then theres a bunch of cheap fighting sequences against the satanic ninjas,my favorite is when they are in the woods and the priest has a chainsaw so he sees a ninja and all the sudden the camera blacks out for a second and it is a wooden dummy dressed as a ninja supposed to be the one he was fighting and he cuts off its arm. then at the end after the big budget fight scene in the woods a ninja calls jack's name and jack says "how did you know my name"? i dont know if the writer snorted crank along with the cast members on this one but jack sold his soul to be famous so wasnt the ninja supposed to know his name well i just gave you a couple good ones from this great big budget blockbuster you have to rent it to see the ending and also for a good laugh it doesnt get any worse than this