Kunoichi ninpô-chô: Yagyû gaiden

I have to tell ya, I really wanted to like this movie. Hot ninja chicks, revenge plot, spurts of blood, and Jubei Yagyu doing his thing. And yet, I was left wanting so much more.

A mission is set upon by an evil clan and the mistress is murdered. Several of the young girls (called the 'Hori women', try to say that and not laugh) decide to seek revenge and enlist the help of swordsman Jubei of the Yagyu clan for aid and guidance. They also discover that they have magic powers that can only be released under extreme duress. Then the plot is off and running.

Everything is in place for a great hack and slash fest. The heroins are, every one of them, cute as they come. The villains are wacky and eccentric. Plenty of blood, dismemberment and a considerable amount of bared female flesh. So why was I disappointed? For one the direction is not very good, even by the conventions of the genre. For another, the fight choreography is limp at it's best, and in a sword fighting movie that really hurts. And a movie that tries to use SFX should at least put a little money into how they look.

What else? Well, the girls' magic powers are just plain ridiculous (one shoots lighting out of her nipples and another sucks things into her...you get the picture) and both the writing and acting flat out suck. Also, these girls are supposed a bunch of tough as nails assassins, yet they start dying early and at regular intervals. Oh, and don't get me started on the dubbing, which is so bad it's damn near good.

So what's left? An OK genre piece that should hold over rabid fans (maybe), but won't win over any new ones.

5/10

A bunch of lady ninjas must kill a bunch of demons for some reason. It is suspect but I think Kunoichi: The Lady Ninja is a very loose remake of 1983 film Legend Of The 8 Samurai or maybe a straight adaption of some Japanese novel called 8 Dog Chronicles. I don't know and I don't care. Kunoichi is a frantic action fantasy film. This film is caulked full of bizarre crap like weird characters with weird mystical techniques like lightning hooters and some broad who can absorb magic through her c··· and spit out fireballs. There is also some of eroticism with drug induced (?) orgies and rape. Yay. The action is reminiscent of early to mid 90s Hong Kong Wuxia Pian added lots of dismemberment and gore which is happy fun. Though the pacing is brisk, the story is disjointed as all hell which only adds to this films lunacy. It's a messy, incoherent movie but it's insanely fun with enough crackhead s··· to choke an elephant.

The other review hit the major points. A screaming howler of a bad movie. The version I saw was subtitled in English. I really wished I knew Japanese because I'm sure plenty of "entertainment" was lost in translation.

I'm not a Ninja movie fan, and the fight sequences are poorly shot - edited - directed, so I found it funny that during fight sequences you just had to wait to the end to see who would loose body parts. The high pressure misting blood was classic! C'mon! The shear goofyness was bizarre! This was based on a story and I kept wondering who made more trips to the Opium Den? The original story writer, the one who adapted it to the screen, or the Director? In one scene a hero & heroine fall through a trap door into a slime pit rife with the remnants of others. As they think on how to escape our heroine mentions the hero will need a sharp blade upon their escape. Wouldn't you know a virgin's blood would be just the trick. Let the fornication begin! The nasty bad guy is appalled they would have the gall to have sex in his Pit O' Death and starts shooting arrows at the copulating couple. Our hero dances and parries about with his good woman still mounted. His sword slicing each arrow. Cut to an extreme close up of the shining blade deftly held for one drop of blood to sing the blade electric! Now that's "Bad Cinema" at it's best and there is plenty more.

This is trash but it's somewhat entertaining. Young Lady Ninjas on a revenge trip with lots of strange special effects and cuts that make you dizzy. You guess there is a fight but you can't see what's happening until the fight ends and a huge blood fountain gushes out of one of the fighters. I only saw this movie because I was too early for the film I really wanted to see and that was the only choice. It wasn't boring but I wouldn't recommend this film to anybody.(4/10)

There are so many movies about Ninjas out there in a day and age when obtaining them is the easiest it has ever been. There are dozens upon dozens of flicks with just the word "Ninja" in the title alone, which only makes it more of a daunting task to actually find one that is worth your time. The good news? Not only does this movie feel like you are watching a live- action anime like Ninja Scroll, with all the over- the-top sword induced blood geysers raining across your screen but Lady Ninja (1998) actually stars an eye patch rocking Jubei Yagyu, the protagonist from the anime and novels. So for all you Ninja Scroll, Samurai Reincarnation, Reborn From Hell fans, you might want to check this out for the Jubei action alone. Based on the novel,'Yagyū Ninpōchō'(1964) by Futaro Yamada, the basic plot of the movie centres around legendary real life butt-kicker Jubei (portrayed by Hitoshi Ozawa, who also directs) as he leads the seven female survivors of the Hori clan on a revenge mission against the Seven Spears, acting as their demon protector and donning a gnarly oni mask to conceal his secret identity from the bad guys like a samurai Spiderman.

The quickest way to find out if this movie is for you or not is to ask yourself these three questions;

"Did I like the classic 90's anime Ninja Scroll?"

"Do I like ninja movies in general?"

"Would I like to see a movie where someone has the superpower to be able to absorb a Dragonball Z type energy blast up their who-ha and regurgitate it out of their mouth?"

You now have your answer. You're welcome.

PROS

• Sexy Ninja Magic!

• LOTS of blood (possibly the most I've ever seen in a Ninja flick since the 1983 flick Duel to the Death)

• Starts with the action right away (literally one of the best openers I've seen) and keeps a good pace all the way until the end credits.

• Some very inventive bad guys ("Eyeball Minions" Ninja was a favorite)

CONS

• Possibly TOO SEXY Ninja Magic (a 10 on the creepy raunchy meter sometimes - so a warning to those more sensitive)

• Weird wound logic. Somebody will get sliced one time and multiple blood fountains will pour out from random parts of the body that couldn't possibly have been hit with one swipe of the sword. Or could it?!?

• Confusing subplots. At some point one of the leads starts channeling the spirit of a blind swordsman Zatoichi type character and it is never fully explained why the bad guys can't tell it's this famous person with just their eyes closed pretending to be blind. Worse than Superman simply removing his glasses and slicking his hair back

FINAL SCORE

3/10 stars if you are an average movie goer but if you answered yes to all three questions like myself, Lady Ninja is an easy-

7/10 stars