Merlin e a Loja de Artigos Místicos

Films don't get any cheaper than this stitched together piece of padding, in which retired screenwriter/grandpa Ernest Borgnine relates "sweet" bedtime stories about the legendary Merlin (Yes, that Merlin. Merlin probably changed management after doing this movie) to his world-weary, seven year old grandson. Grandpa Borgnine's sweet, folksy, suitable for children tales are chock full of horrible death, crying children, murdered house pets, and abusive husbands, plus a fun cameo by Satan himself!

The makers of this film probably didn't realize that their kiddy movie wasn't kid-like at all- because the bulk of the "stories" are footage from some other mid-to-late seventies movie about a killer monkey toy. Despite all the ugliness in these segments, there is a charming moment where a young boy happily sings "Rock and Roll Martian" to the stuffed monkey. This is probably the best scene in the whole, feature length movie.

The other story segment, the one with the bickering, self-hating couple who can't conceive (kids love those kinds of stories!) has all the style and substance of an episode of "Monsters".

This movie is filled to the brim by horrible acting, atrocious dialog, and some of the most laughable editing since Ed Wood's legendary day/night/day scenes.

So don't hesitate to watch this movie.... if it comes on the late, great Mystery Science Theater 3000. Otherwise, you've been warned! ROCK AND ROLL MARTIAN!!

This is a truly magical episode of MST3K. Though the movie itself is stupid beyond telling, the episode is arguable the most funny I`ve ever seen. My dad thinks it is anyhow. From the opening lines thrown out by Mike and the `Bots ("Let`s predict some crap" "I forsee I`m gonna get hammered" "Is there a cheaper vodka than Popov?" "The ants have been screwing with her like that for years") to the part when Jonathan confronts Merlin ("I bid you lick me") to when Jonathan fights his cat ("So the cat`s flesh was roasted" "No Grandpa, no!" "Sit down, you`re gonna listen- The cat`s flesh melted, the horrible screams!" "No grandpa!" "Heh heh") to the cheesy 80s part ("Yep, that first morning beer is always the best!") and the priceless finishing line, which is so memorable that it begs full transcription. Contrary to what some of these commentators have said here (and I`m not blaming them), Crow, not Servo, says "Remember to believe in magic...Or I`ll kill you." This episode truly made me believe in magic.

Ernest Borgnine is a great storyteller. I think the boy suffered from random epileptic seizures after this film was made.

This is awful. Merlin has decided to join the business world and has opened his shop of yore. Run by him and Mrs. Merlin, they first must deal with a cynical critic who threatens to ruin the shop's business. Good old Merlin gives him a book of evil wizardry. After fire breathing, cat from hell, levitating, and so on, the critic learns that this film has aged him (he's not alone).

The second half is a rip-off of the monkey's paw, except in this case it's a duracell running monkey toy with cymbals. Ha ha. Of course, someone buys it as a present for a little boy and that's when the fun starts. One of the only saving moments is when Merlin goes around asking, "Have you seen my monkey?" Hee hee, that one always works!

Merlin's gift shop.....to be avoided at all costs.

"Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders" is too dark to be a children's movie and too cute to be a horror flick. Which makes it perfect "Mystery Science Theater 3000" fodder! An incompetent mixture of "Poltergeist" and any wizard movie, it makes one wonder how they got a great actor like Ernest Borgnine on board. Although the movie has 1996 as its date, a large portion of it looks as though it was filmed at least ten years earlier (a very corny '80s look).

As for the "MST3K" version, jokes naturally abound. I don't remember which jeers came from Mike, Servo or Crow, but someone notes that Merlin probably shouldn't ask women if they've seen his monkey! And when the ground starts caving in, one of them declares that Bugs Bunny must have missed that left turn at Albuquerque! Among the famous people who get mentioned are Tom Bosley, Madeline Albright, Bella Abzug and Linda Blair. So just stick with the "MST3K" version and you'll be fine.

Yeah, she did look kinda like Julie Hagerty.

Wow! I question as to why this was made into a movie instead of a terrible anthology TV pilot. Along with being bad, this is just truly bizarre. It starts off with a burning building, which turns out to be a little kid watching TV. I guess the television program he's watching may foreshadow later events, but it's still pointless. The kid's Grandpa (Ernest Borgnine) tells him to turn that trash off, only to tell him a couple of strange horror stories to put him to sleep.

Before the first story really starts, we are introduced to Merlin and his wife who now own a shop to bring magic to the world. Merlin ends up giving a book of spells to a jerk who's wife can't have a baby, but wants one. This guy ends up dabbling in the spells and doing some crazy stuff, including spitting out fire at the cat. Then there's a really dumb twist ending that I'm not going to give away. This segment was really strange, mainly because the first 15 minutes of it was Merlin, then it switches to a short 15 minute story. Also, by the rationale of this segment, Merlin gets his power from Satan. The second segment is better than this one...and the second one was terrible.

A dad ends up giving his boy a stolen wind up monkey with symbols toy for his birthday. This doll claps the symbols together and bad things happen. To stop the bad things, all you have to do is put your finger in between the symbols, so it really isn't a very effective killer. The dad finds out the toy is evil somehow when his dog dies in a fire, which leads him to ask a psychic for help. Meanwhile Merlin walks the streets searching for info on where the evil toy he has for some reason, may be. The plot all leads to the dad trying to dispose of the doll before it hurts anyone, but when plans fail, will his family be fine? Who cares. This story is a big rip-off of two Twilight Zone episodes, "Living Doll" and "It's a Good Life", and even though they were made 30 something years earlier, they were much scarier and more believable.

Along with these two stories sidetracked by Merlin and his wife's wacky antics, we have this dumb wraparound. The wraparound is stupid and pointless, but even more pointless is the title character, Merlin. There was no need to have Merlin in this. It would've been slightly better if they put in 3 stories and cut out the stupid old wizard and his cantankerous wife. Plus the music in the film I'm pretty sure is stolen from various films, including "the Pagemaster". In the end, this is a very bad and bizarre film. Adults will feel it's too violent and profane for little kids, older kids won't like it, and little kids will be too scared. For my final thought, I know this review sounds like a big complaint, and it really is. Let's hope the movie studios learned from their mistakes.

My rating: BOMB/****. 85 mins. Contains some violence, language and some mildly sexual innuendos.