Computer Beach Party

This mid-80s "teen romp" movie is probably the worst 80s film I've seen since Hobgoblins. Unless you are a 12 year old with an IQ below 40, you will hate this movie. It begins with some teens who try to save a public beach from being bought and taken over by the greedy mayor. One boy who is a computer geek tries to use his skills to win a race to save the beach for more teenage dance parties and sex-on-the-beach. The "actors" in this movie are so pathetic and unskilled that,... I'm at a loss of words, it is so bad. Every once in a while the director inserted a scene of some topless girls, but even the occasional boobies were not enough to rescue this dreck. Absolutely dreadful.

One of my biggest pet peeves with movie lovers is when someone talks about a bad movie and says "that's got to be the worst movie ever made" because they have no fu--ing clue what they are talking about. I'm not saying Computer Beach Party is the worst movie ever made but I'm betting it makes the top 100. This movie will suck out your soul and s--t on it. This movie is so bad that from now on I am going to refer to it as Computer Beach S--tmovie. Do not watch this movie, in fact just stop reading this review. Please! Masochist huh? Well OK, but don't say I didn't warn you.

When Andy and Dennis find a gold coin they stumble upon a hunt for a buried treasure. Unfortunately the people hunting are planning on buying the now public beach and kicking everyone off. Andy and Dennis must rely on there computer beach skills to win a para sailing type race to stop the greedy locals from taking over! The first thing you'll notice when watching Computer Beach S--tmovie is every person is over dubbed and dubbed HORRIBLY. None of the voices match the people and at times it isn't even the same actor dubbing. Next you'll notice the killer of this "film": pacing. Every scene seems to have this strange pause, or moment where all the actors just kinda look at each other. I'm assuming this is because no one actually wrote a script and the actors are all making s--t up on the spot. Most of the things that happen in the film aren't funny and are totally meaningless. This film is so bad three naked girls didn't even help.

And in the end there is no buried treasure in Computer Beach Sh--movie, in fact their beach computers don't even end up helping anyone and one of the biggest dramatic scenes in the film isn't even shown (a message to the audience says it's "too violent"). It feels like all the people making the movie didn't speak English and I wouldn't be surprised if this was the case. I hope these people lost a lot of f--king money making this movie. I hope it made them homeless, no f--k that I hope someone died trying to make this sh--ty movie. Seriously. It's garbage. And next time someone tries to tell you Troll 2 is the worst movie ever made shove over your sh--ty copy of Computer Beach S--tmovie and tell them to watch and learn.

Rock Shows 3 Boobies 3 Astronauts 1

This film begins with two young men named "Andy" (Hank Amico) and "Dennis" (Andre Chimene) having some fun on the beach when a bully by the name of "Turk" (Rick Brakedale) drives up in his jeep and essentially ruins their day. Fortunately for Andy, however, is that Turk's girlfriend "Allison" (Stacey Nemour) is also in the jeep and in spite of everything else he gets the opportunity to meet her acquaintance. Not long afterward it is disclosed that an old ship sank off the coast with a treasure chest full of gold coins simply waiting to be found. Knowing this, the mayor of the nearby town-who happens to be Allison's father--has purchased that particular section of the beach and has instituted measures to restrict everybody else from going on it. Needless to say, this angers Andy and his friends and they become determined to stop the mayor at all costs. Now rather than reveal any more I will just say that this film turned out to be one of the worst pictures I have ever seen as it suffered from a thin plot, bad acting and a really basic script. To top things off, the music supplied by a rock group named "Panther" consisted of a lead singer who sang at least 2 or 3 decibels too high and completely out-of-sync with the band. Although he clearly enjoyed hearing his own voice I have to say that it became quite annoying rather quickly. In any case, although both Stacey Nemour and Hank Amico showed some acting potential there just wasn't anything else good about this movie and I have rated it accordingly. Awful.

The best movie directed by a man in coma, since the release of Star Wars!

My review was written in June 1988 after watching the movie on Vestron video cassette.

The second Texas-mae beach movie to come out recently (after "Thinkin' Big"), "Computer Beach Party" lives up to its title as an incoherent mishmash sunk by amateurish technique.

Familiar "Save Our Beach" premise has bespectacled ned Andy (Hank Amigo) and his wind sail buggy-racing pal Dennis (Andre Chimene) fighting a holding action to keep their uncluttered beach in the Galveston area from being covered with lifeguard towers and taken over by the mayor, who thinks sunken pirate treasure is in the vicinity. Coincidentally, Andy is romancing the mayor's beautiful daughter Allison (Stacey Nemour), Padded with lengthy song performances, 185 production is haphazardly constructed with some atrocious post-synching. The cast of supposed high schoolers looks on average at least 10 years too old to qualify, and the hero's computer prowess is used pointlessly to set up guest lists for two beach parties is a weak justification for pic's title.

Comedy content is weak, leaving little more than the bodacious bod of Nemour as reason to sit through this effort.