Pam & Tommy Lee: Stolen Honeymoon

It's hard to review a tape that was never meant for public consumption. Neither Pamela Anderson nor Tommy Lee filmed this with the intent of releasing it to video -- although there are rumors to the opposite.

I rented this during a dull weekend just for curiosity's sake -- thanks to all the media hype. It succeeded in making my weekend even duller.

The gist of the matter is the sex takes up at most five minutes of the tape -- unless you get the truncated R-rated version where it's more like 30 seconds. The rest of the video consists of various home movie material -- the only difference between this and other people's home movies is it features two well-known people. Otherwise it's very dull stuff.

Only a couple of moments stand out as interesting: the extremely poorly shot wedding footage (word to self: never point a video camera at people standing in front of the sun) which had an otherworldly feel to it, and a brief bit shot behind-the-scenes of Anderson's film Barb Wire.

If you're in love with Anderson, you'll probably enjoy the tape. If you're renting this to see two celebrities having sex, you might get what you paid for, but don't expect much. Reportedly a much better "naughty home video" of Anderson exists, showing her having her jollies with Bret Michaels. Unfortunately (or fortunately), Anderson won a court case in the spring of 2001 that prevented this video from being released. Too bad she didn't have the same luck with her Tommy Lee opus.

A cinematic triumph. Pamela and Tommy Lee's Sex Video, supposedly stolen from the newlyweds' house, is nothing but buoyant fun. Pamela Anderson Lee, the internationally lusted-after Baywatch star, is positively unsinkable as she frolics in the buff off the Lees' Jacuzzi-equipped pleasure cruiser.

Speaking of pleasure cruisers, Tommy's is cinema's real Titanic, although in this case it never founders. (Tommy Lee first made his name -- for what it's worth -- in the brainless 80s teen-rock band Motley Cru. You can certainly see where he got his self-confidence.)

Even Pamela's famously plasticized accessories don't ring a false note. Who's to say what's real; they show up on videotape, right? Besides, there's no faking dialogue like:

Pamela: "Where's my cocktail?"

Tommy: "It's right here, baby." (he pans downward)

It's too bad the happy couple's dissolute pleasures are marred by excessive expressions of love and devotion.

"You're the best f---ing husband in the world!" Pamela squeals.

Other than that bit of sentimentality, this is forty-five minutes worth of premium Americana -- show-biz success enjoyed the way God intended it: in a four-wheel-drive truck, rocking its shocks to pieces in the breakdown lane of the I-5.

(Note: If IMDb doesn't want certain words included in reviews, even when those words are actual quotations from the film, then perhaps IMDb should not include films that contain such nasty words in its database.)

"Baby, I gotta be preggos 'cause you were so, far, inside me, that I was like inside out." "Baby, that is one weenis." "Oh, lover, you are so beautiful." All the screenwriters Andy Warhol ever worked with couldn't have come up with the dialogue of this "inadvertent" hardcore travelogue of the Pam and Tommy honeymoon, which is white-trash cretinism boiled down to a post-bakeage minimalism that is genuinely mind-blowing. These may be the two stupidest people ever committed to celluloid. If you ever wondered what a doobie-baked stripper says to her heroin-riddled tattooed deadbeat boyfriend before he passes out on her floor, this will provide some much-needed answers.

Okay, I'll admit it. Rabid curiosity got the better of me and I actually bought the video. So bite me.

As others have pointed out, the actual sex scenes are brief and few. And yes, Tommy's hung like a horse, bless his heart. But, what really interested me about this video is that if you really, REALLY pay attention, there are elements of the relationship between Tommy and Pam which are so subtle they are likely to be missed if you're too busy waiting for the next sex scene.

Every other word out of their mouths is some derivative of the word f**k -- perhaps one of their wedding gifts should have been a thesaurus -- and their conversations are pretty boring for the most part. But, the oh-so-subtle difference in the way they treat each other was fascinating to me. While every other sentence out of Pam's mouth was "I love you!" ("I love you! Hey, look at that f***ing view! I love you! Let's make chiliburgers tonight. I love you!) there was a seeming insincerity behind it. When Tommy told Pam he loved her, much less often I might add, he said it with absolute conviction. His surprising her on her birthday with a private boat party and tons of gifts was beyond sweet. He was more excited about her opening her gifts than she was. And he's a much better listener than she is. I never really thought much about either of them beyond what I'd read or heard in entertainment news, but my opinion after seeing this video is that Pam is a vain, selfish, self-absorbed airhead and Tommy, while no neuro-surgeon himself, is really a pretty sweet, sensitive guy who, when he loves, seems to love deeply and completely.

Watch again and fast forward through the sex scenes. See for yourself.

The sexy side of this video caught my attention, but upon closer examination I noticed how revealing this home video sequence was and how normal these "Pop Icons" are. There is explicit sex and nudity but it is brief or barely distinguishable. The jittery hand held camera work or blurred lens will drive you nuts. It took the couple a few days before they realized the camera lens was filthy. Behind the scenes Pam seems more like a sweet modest girl than the sex pot her image portrays. They live in luxury and freedom and this gives you a peak at "how the other half lives". I reviewed the version with "numerous scenes restored". But this may well have translated into many long, and boring sequences like their "Alien Wedding" where the bride and groom and various guests wear tin foil and spacesuits. The video reveals some wild and drunken behavior but also reveals two people that seem like fairly typical young adults that are in love. They certainly never intended for this to be seen by the public, and their private craziness may not be too far from the lives of others of their age. I would certainly pass on this one unless you are really thrilled by the voyeuristic aspects of it all. The technical quality of the video is the lowest I've seen.