- Allie: [Reluctantly agreeing to go home with Eddie] First the ground rules. If you say too many stupid things, I'll have to slug you. If you say anything nasty about Jake, I'll have to slug you. If you try to feel me up, I'll have to slug you. If you make me listen to any sexist, racist, or homophobic jokes, I'm gonna have to slug you. And finally, I might just have to slug you from time to time, simply because I find the prospect of driving across the country with you incredibly stressful!
- Eddie: All right. Sounds like a party to me.
- Jake Wilkinson: Say something romantic.
- Officer Max: Huh.
- Jake Wilkinson: say something apologetic.
- Officer Max: Huh.
- Jake Wilkinson: SAY SOMETHING ENGLISH.
- Jake Wilkinson: [stuck in the desert, dressed as Santa, thanks to Eddie and his friends. Tries to pull off the beard] Ow! You glued it on, didn't you, you jerks!
- [Tries to take off the hat]
- Jake Wilkinson: The hat too?
- [looks up in agony]
- Jake Wilkinson: THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!
- Nolan: My daddy always said it's better to go out in a blaze of glory than to rot in a state correctional facility!
- Allie: You know what I've always wondered?
- Eddie: What?
- Allie: Out of all the planets in the universe, how is it that this is the only one that's spawned intelligent life?
- Eddie: Yeah. You know what I always wonder about?
- Allie: What's that?
- Eddie: How come more breakfast joints don't serve your food right in the skillet like Denny's? I mean, think about it. They give you your meat, your eggs, your spuds right in the pan. Man, that rocks! Or like when a homeless guy comes up to you and he says he's the Messiah. And then he asks you for money, and you just want to walk away, but then you think to yourself, 'what happens if he IS the Messiah, and I'm just blowing the dude off?' Think about it.
- Allie: [unable to believe what she's hearing] I take back what I said about intelligent life on Earth.
- Mayor Wilson: [catching Jake delivering the race money] Hey, when did Santa start using the mail box?
- Jake Wilkinson: Oh, didn't you hear about the new work-exchange program? The postman should be coming down your chimney a little later.
- Officer Max: [after Jake couldn't convince Marjorie to forgive Max] So, how'd it go?
- Jake Wilkinson: You know what a swirlie is?
- Officer Max: You mean when somebody jams your head in a toilet bowl and flushes it?
- Jake Wilkinson: Yeah, it was basically like that.
- Officer Max: Ah, man!
- Jake's Dad: Well, son, she's yours.
- [offers Jake the Porsche keys]
- Jake Wilkinson: But, Dad, I didn't make make it home on time.
- Jake's Dad: Don't be silly. You were just a few seconds late. Here.
- Jake Wilkinson: No, a deal's a deal. Besides, she isn't ready yet.
- Jake's Dad: What do you mean?
- Jake Wilkinson: Well, we're not really finished fixing her up yet, are we? I mean, I'm sure it's going to take a bunch more Christmases together to get all the work done. Don't you think?
- Jake's Dad: Yeah. 30 or 40 at least.