- Homeless Guy: Sonny was real nice to the kid. Wish my father was like him. My father was a military man. Guess I wasn't such a good soldier. Anyways, when I was 35, he tried to give me a crew cut while I was asleep. I woke up, broke his arm, haven't seen him since. I'd rather live in a dumpster then under his freaky ass rules! (Notices a McDonald's bag in Sonny's hand) Anyways, I think Sonny Koufax should be acquitted of all the charges. If O.J. can get away with murder, why can't Sonny have his kid? (points at a black man) This guy knows what I'm talking about! No more questions!
- [at McDonald's]
- Sonny: Okay, what do you want?
- Julian: Cheerios.
- Sonny: Cheerios? They don't got Cheerios. What else?
- Julian: Lasagna.
- Sonny: Lasagna? What the hell is the matter with you? Um, we'll take hot cakes and sausage...
- Employee: Sorry, sir, we stopped serving breakfast.
- Sonny: What are you talking about? We're FOUR seconds late.
- Employee: No, you're 30 minutes and four seconds late. We stopped serving breakfast at 10:30.
- Sonny: Aw, HORSESHIT!
- Julian: But after my nap I always watch the Kangaroo Song.
- Sonny: It's overtime right now and there's a penalty shot about to take place. This happens about once every ten years so...
- Julian: Kangaroo song, kangaroo song, kangaroo song, KANGAROO SONG!
- Sonny: ALLLRRIIIGGGHTT! God you were normal yesterday!
- Sonny: [Julian is bouncing up and down in front of the TV on a rubber ball] Hey.
- Julian: Hey!
- Sonny: You like hockey?
- Julian: You like hockey?
- Sonny: This is a big, important game.
- Julian: This is a big, important game!
- Sonny: Cut the crap.
- Julian: Cut the crap!
- Sonny: I'm being serious, don't do that.
- Julian: I'm being serious, don't do that!
- Sonny: [quickly] How much wood would a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
- Julian: [stops bouncing]
- Sonny: That's what I thought. Shut up.
- [Julian resumes bouncing in front of the TV]
- Sonny: Hey! You just made the biggest mistake of your life, baby. I know you're gunna be missing me when you have that big, white, wrinkly body on you with his loose skin and old balls... gross! Ugh!
- Ted Castellucci: Objection, Your Honor! The court is interested in the truth, not the opinion of the defendant's father.
- Lenny: You want my opinion? My son is a moron.
- Ted Castellucci: I withdraw my objection. Please proceed!
- Sonny: Say "Happy Halloween".
- Reluctant Trick-or-Treat Giver: Happy Halloween.
- Sonny: Yeah, next year be prepared!
- Mr. Herlihy: Goddamn Jets!
- Waitress: Hey, cutie! What are you doing here?
- Julian: Watching football.
- Waitress: Oh yea, who do you want to win?
- Julian: The Goddamn Jets.
- Tommy: How long have you delivered food to Mr. Koufax?
- Nazo: I deliver food for six years. Plus, I'm stripper. But I've gained weight so that's a problem.
- Tommy: I see. And, in your experience, was Sonny a good father to Julian?
- Nazo: Oh, yes. They make terrific pair. They went together like lamb and tuna fish.
- Tommy: Lamb and tuna fish?
- Nazo: Maybe you like spaghetti and meatball? You more comfortable with that analogy?
- Homeless Guy: Yes, considering we're in America. I mean, if you don't like spaghetti and meatballs, why don't you get the hell out?
- Nazo: Listen, I'll come down there and give you a crew cut, Mister.
- Homeless Guy: Let's see your clippers.
- Nazo: Not my problem your father was sick.
- Homeless Guy: That - well - -Stop yelling at me! AAAhhhhhhhh!
- Sonny: I had a mother lined up for him, but she's bangin' the Pepperidge Farm guy and the kid won't stop peeing and throwing up, he's like a cocker spaniel.
- Sonny: Don't worry about me making money. I'm in love with a woman who makes plenty of it. She'll be my sugar mamma.
- Homeless Guy: I gotta get me one of those.
- Sonny: I'm thinkin' about keepin' the kid.
- Phil D'Amato: Sonny, remember that time you went with me to the pet store to get fish food and you saw that cute little puppy and you wanted to get it, but then I reminded you about feeding it and cleaning it and toilet-training it?
- Sonny: Yeah...
- Phil D'Amato: Well, this is kinda like that - except with a human!
- Sonny: Hey man, who won the Knick game?
- Angry Guy: Who cares?
- Sonny: Don't worry. He can't hold you down forever.
- Angry Guy: What are you talking about?
- Sonny: You know what I'm talking about.
- Angry Guy: You're a loser.
- Sonny: You're mad at your dad, not me. I forgive you.
- Angry Guy: [walking away crying] I am. I hate my father.
- Sonny: I'm going through a rough patch in my life right now. Syracuse is 0 and 3. I got those medical problems.
- Vanessa: Medical problems? A cab runs over your foot 2 years ago, you spend one night in the hospital.
- Sonny: First of all that cab was huge. And a jury decided that one night of pain was worth two hundred thousand dollars, so there ya go.
- Sonny: Everyone's so busy with their crap lately, no one ever comes.
- Mr. Herlihy: Like I'm not busy?
- Sonny: Hey Mr. Herlihy, how bout you shut up before i smack you through the wall like last week?
- Mr. Herlihy: Last Monday was a fluke. Bring it on woman. Oh... hah... hahahahahahaha
- Sonny: He drinks alot of soda.
- Nazo: What are your cards?
- Julian 'Frankenstein' McGrath: I got a six, a five, a Jack, a four and an eight. I win!
- Sonny Koufax: What do you mean "you win"? I had a hand just like that before, I didn't win?
- Julian 'Frankenstein' McGrath: Because I win.
- Nazo: This is bullshit!
- Sonny Koufax: Alright, take it easy man.
- Nazo: Every time different cards, he still wins?
- Sonny: Where's Kevin?
- Corinne: Oh, he already left. He forgot to say goodbye to you.
- Sonny: Then why are you here?
- Corinne: I'm cleaning because you're useless.
- Sonny: Then are you going to go to your Hooters reunion? And talk about who's ass sticks out the most while wearing your shorts?
- Corinne: At least I can fit my ass in to my shorts, fatty.
- Sonny: [Taking out leftover food from fridge] Speaking of fatty, whose is this?
- Corinne: I don't know.
- Sonny: I'm eating it then.
- Mr. Herlihy: Koufax is a good egg, he was nice to that kid. But he fights like a girl. You like that? I'm right here Miss, what are you gonna do about it? Hahaha.
- Sonny: What are you drunk Mr. Herlihy?
- Mr. Herlihy: Well, I-I had a few chardonnays, what of it?
- Sonny: Get off the stand please.
- Mr. Herlihy: You got it. Got a few problems.
- [Phil is cross-examining Corrine]
- Phil D'Amato: And how long have you disliked Mr. Koufax?
- Corinne: Since the day I met him
- Phil D'Amato: And for the record, where did you work while attending medical school?
- Corinne: Hooters
- Phil D'Amato: No further questions?
- Corinne: No!
- Corinne: [under her breath] ... asshole!
- Julian: [after finding out he has to be taken from Sonny by the social services] You don't want me here anymore?
- Sonny: [close to tears] No, that's not it, pal. You just have to go away for awhile.
- Julian: How long am I going away for?
- Sonny: [trying not to cry] I don't want to lie to you. I don't think we'll be seeing each other anymore. I screwed up, I'm so sorry. Come here, put your coat on. This is not your fault, okay? I'm the idiot
- Julian: I don't wanna go!
- Sonny: I know you don't, but you have to. You'll be okay, alright?
- Julian: [clings to Sonny] Please don't make me go. I won't play the Kangaroo Song anymore.
- Sonny: I know buddy, that's not it.
- Julian: [as the social worker is dragging him out of the apartment] Please, I promise! I'm sorry, I don't even like that song anymore! And I wipe my own ass! I wipe my own ass!
- Sonny: I know!
- Sonny: I know this is the right thing because I would die for this kid just so he won't feel one ounce of sadness. That's why you're here right now, to protect me, to be scared for me to be a good father. And that's exactly what I'm gonna be.
- Nazo: [to Arthur Brooks] Hey, I remember you. You always order three piece of cheesecake!
- [Arthur Brooks looks embarrassed]
- Sonny Koufax: I got some interesting news?
- Lenny Koufax: Oh yeah, what?
- Sonny Koufax: I kind of adopted a kid
- Lenny Koufax: What the hell are you talking about?
- Sonny Koufax: I'm talking about you being a grandfather! Congratulations!
- Lenny Koufax: Who the hell would give you a kid?
- Sonny Koufax: Social Services.
- Lenny Koufax: You idiot! You better give that kid back!
- Sonny Koufax: His mother's... hang on, hang on.
- Sonny Koufax: [shouts at Julian, from afar] Go play with them pigeons, buddy!
- Sonny Koufax: I tried to give him back. I just, I just, I just can't, Dad. I need your help. I'm in a bad way right now, Vanessa dumped me, I don't know what the hell I'm doing!
- Lenny Koufax: You're damn right you don't know what the hell you're doing!
- Sonny Koufax: The kid is always around, especially for the last few days. You think he'd give me a little privacy but he just never leaves me alone, I'm in deep shit.
- Lenny Koufax: Just give that kid back right now, before you ruin BOTH YOUR LIVES!
- Sonny Koufax: Oh, I appreciate that Dad.
- Lenny Koufax: He'd be better off living in a dumpster then living with you!
- Sonny Koufax: WELL I'LL BE A BETTER FATHER THAN YOU!
- Lenny Koufax: That's impossible, all you ever care about is yourself.
- Sonny Koufax: I care about you saving money on this phone call.
- [banging phone receiver several times before hanging up]
- Sonny: You can be scared that I might get pickpocketed in a bad neighborhood or break my legs skiing. But don't be scared about me being a dad, because I will not fail. I love this kid too much. I love him as much as you love me, Dad. I'm gonna give him advice and I'm gonna guide him and I'll be there whenever he needs me. I'll fly to New York to be at his court case even if I disagree with why he's there