- Amanda Shelton: My friend Nolan told me this thing about men and sex, that they think about it 238 times a day and when they do they adjust their belts.
- Tom Bartlett: That's ridiculous, no, no, not the belt- I meant the amount. That's ridiculous. Do the math I'm awake maybe 17 hours a day. Times 60 would be 1020, divided by 238, that would be sex about every 4 minutes... yeah, yeah, that's about right.
- Amanda Shelton: I've been here 20 minutes.
- Tom Bartlett: Very bold plate selection, I might add. Explains the outfit.
- Amanda Shelton: To eliminate a necklace would've taken another half hour.
- Tom Bartlett: I see.
- Amanda Shelton: Doesn't look like it takes you very long.
- Tom Bartlett: Touché. I do seem to come out of the shower fully dressed in a blue suit.
- Nolan Traynor: We can get other jobs.
- Amanda Shelton: Sure, we can take out an add. We can afford it. "Situation Wanted: Shitty chef and sous chef seek restaurant to ruin."
- Tom Bartlett: She cursed me. She said in this creepy little voice, a man's character is his destiny...
- Lois McNally: Oh... She's a wise witch. She casts her spells in proverbs.
- Jonathan Bendel: Lois, are you busy after I'm done chewing Tom's head off?
- Lois McNally: You're the boss, Mr. Bendel.
- Jonathan Bendel: No, no, no. Y-you-you be the boss this time.
- Nolan Traynor: Amanda, if I have to hear about him one more time, I'm gonna cut my ears off and mail 'em to him.
- Tom Bartlett: I love shoes.
- Brian in Shoes: Me too Mr. Bartlett.
- Tom Bartlett: I love how we sell shoes. I love how we sell them in twos, it's so... Noah's ark!
- Amanda Shelton: That's impossible.
- Tom Bartlett: Why's that?
- Amanda Shelton: One good sexual thought takes at least 20 minutes.
- Lois McNally: If you need anything call me, although I don't know how to do anything except buy clothes.
- Lois McNally: There's a very thin girl in your office.
- Tom Bartlett: That's Chris. Lois, what is she doing in my office without me?
- Lois McNally: I don't know, but I offered her a sandwich.
- Tom Bartlett: I think I've loved you since that first day in the market.
- Amanda Shelton: You mean the day I had my hand up your pants. Men are so easy.
- Tom Bartlett: Oh yeah.
- Amanda Shelton: Taste this.
- Nolan Traynor: Mmmm... It's good.
- Amanda Shelton: You do know you can't lie? It sucks. Ugh! It tastes like blue cheese and dirt.
- Nolan Traynor: And there's only one thing worse than blue cheese and dirt.
- Amanda Shelton, Nolan Traynor: Rum raisin.
- Chris: I just downloaded my schedule onto your computer.
- Lois McNally: I hope you were using a condom.
- Nolan Traynor: They all look dead.
- Aunt Stella: No, no. I don't think they're dead at all. They're just in a trance.
- Amanda Shelton: This is amazing.
- Nolan Traynor: Did you say trance? So we can make them do whatever we want?
- Aunt Stella: No, no. We couldn't, but she could.
- Nolan Traynor: Amanda, you must make all the women love me and all the men give me their wallets.
- Amanda Shelton: [giving Tom the eclairs he forgot] I love dessert. It's the whole point of the meal.
- Tom Bartlett: It's like riding a bicycle. The first nine times you fall off but the tenth time you can go on for miles.
- Jonathan Bendel: Every time I looked down at my shoes, Henri was sticking his tongue out at me. Why do you think he was doing that?
- Jonathan Bendel: I don't know why I ever doubted you. I admire you. Just like my grandfather. Only, I don't hate you!
- Valderon: This is no knife!
- Tom Bartlett: Hey, what the...
- Valderon: I spit on your knife.
- Tom Bartlett: Hey!
- Valderon: I spit on your restaurant. And finally, I spit on...
- Tom Bartlett: No, no. Allow me.
- [spits on his own arm]
- Tom Bartlett: There.
- Valderon: That is the first intelligent thing you have done. I fire you!
- Tom Bartlett: What you can't...
- Valderon: Au revoir, Dickhead!
- Chris: Tommy, what am I doing with someone like you?
- Tom Bartlett: Me?
- Chris: Me! With my perfect hair.
- Chris: I have decided that you are a waste of my perfect wardrobe, with matching shoes.
- Tom Bartlett: Nobody's that perfect.
- Chris: [looks down at her chest] Oh, oh, I am.